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AppleBlossom posted 10/30/2013 04:23 AM

Hello my life saving SI community.

I am divorced from the father of my three children. There was no infidelity involved with the breakdown of our marriage. The marriage was characterised (in hindsight) by me basically taking care of a grown man who could not and would take responsibility for anything. For about six years, he lost job after job, made ridiculous and dangerous mistakes, did nothing to address his depression and anxiety despite all the love and support I could give him. For me the beginning of the end was when he took to his bed seven weeks after my mum died, having another breakdown. Even in his divorce affidavit he stated that I abandoned him emotionally at this time, and could not provide for his needs. WTF??

A couple of years later, it was getting worse and worse and worse. I was working full time, he wasnt working and he was looking after the kids - even though I was paying for two of them to be in day care three days a week to give him a break. One day he called me while he had my then one year old son to tell me he wanted to kill himself. That for me was it - that night I told him our marriage was over, and then about a month later he moved out. We divorced a year later.

For the next year he did everything he could to impede me moving on. Wouldnt assist in any of the paperwork to deal with the bank, and I had to finish renovating a half falling down house, and sell it. All the while fighting repossession by the bank. His view was that I should declare bankruptcy and live in rental accommodation in the once horse town we were in, and become as fat and unhappy as he was.

Throughout our financial settlement the only thing we had to split was his superannuation. He resisted for months and months to give any details, saying that it was his money and he worked for it, while I stayed at home with the kids. I had to take him to court and spend $9,000 to get what was mine. He had his paid out in cash due to a "disability" - and that money that he said was to take care of the kids? Gone in six months.

In amongst this is him and his toxic many girlfriends, ridiculous money making schemes, no child support for about four of the last six years, alienating his family from me, trying to alienate my family against me, and then physically and emotionally the children.

For the last issue, he hasnt seen the kids overnight for a while, but with the help of mediation, and various agencies, we have been moving towards him being with the kids more.

I tried mediation, but everything he agreed to he broke. Everything.

So now I have sent a parenting plan and he has not responded. All I get is snarky comments.

My question - at long last - given I have zero funds to seek consent orders in the Family Court to enforce a parenting plan, and given he hides his cash and income and I will never ever get child support - how do I deal with him?

My thought is that I, at least, abide by the parenting plan.

The trouble is, emotionally I really struggle. I really, really do. I find him abusive and he makes me feel as bad as my abusive father did.

I dont know what I am looking for here, really.

Thanks. Love you all

summerain posted 10/30/2013 04:36 AM

well no experience in divorce. However since no-one''s replied (just us aussies atm) I don''t see why you need to promote him spending time with the children. He is not a good role model and I wouldn''t want him influencing my kids (if I was a parent).

The trouble is, emotionally I really struggle. I really, really do. I find him abusive and he makes me feel as bad as my abusive father did.

I think the title mum and dad is earnt not a given. He doesn''t deserve that title. Just because he provided the sperm doesn''t mean he''s a dad. Even if the kids miss him, it reminds me of a story in another thread

''the daughter asks about sex, the father says carry this suitcase, the girl goes "it''s too heavy", the father says "exactly I need to carry this burden for you know, but one day you will be strong enough''.

The money part, well I''m not entirely sure what to say about it. I would leave it. I know sometimes our country falls short in community resources, that''s if you need them, but organisations like Centacare would be good.

[This message edited by lauren123 at 4:38 AM, October 30th, 2013 (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 10/30/2013 05:47 AM

Have you spoken to Relationships Australia? Surely you are eligible for some sort of Legal Aid?

The parenting plan is not really enforceable without consent orders.

I have to say I would be forcing his hand by taking advantage of the fact the HE is also not protected by a parenting plan. No parenting plan = no access to the kids. CS is a separate issue. Unfortunately you can't stop him seeing his kids just because he is a deadbeat.

Sometimes you need to play hard-ball. I'd talk to Relationships Australia and ask them to help you resolve this. No parenting plan - no access. Full stop.

((AppleBlossom))

Chrysalis123 posted 10/30/2013 08:48 AM

From your description he sounds like he has severe psychological problems and that he is projecting his issues onto you.

Work really hard on getting yourself strong and healthy. Are you in IC?

I am sorry he is such a manipulative, abusive jerk to you and the kids.

Nature_Girl posted 10/30/2013 11:01 AM

I learned the hard way that it is not in the best interest of the children to force a reluctant, mentally unstable parent into their lives. If your ex is as emotionally unhealthy as you paint him to be, then thank your lucky stars he takes no active interest in your children. You're well rid of him, as are they.

dmari posted 10/30/2013 11:26 AM

(((((AppleBlossom))))) I'm glad you received a couple of responses from people from where you are from.

I just wanted to let you know that it is a different ball game when dealing with an ex who has untreated, undiagnosed, and/or under treated mental health issues. BTDT.

Your job is to do what is right for the children. If he is acting like a snarky asshole, that's on him. Document what you are trying to do. At some point, all the mediation and agencies won't make a difference if he is being a jerk.

I hope there is a way for you to get the money you and your children are entitled to.

I find him abusive and he makes me feel as bad as my abusive father did. From what I have read, YOU should not feel bad. You are doing and have done everything right.

My stbx also has depression and anxiety that is untreated. IC has really helped me.

Sending you strength and hugs!