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Am I 'killing' his love & feelings for me?

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Hope2B posted 10/30/2013 04:41 AM

WH and I are going to MC and IC. He is trying to do the work to save our M by reading recommended books & reflecting, by being transparent, by working on being thoughtful, but sometimes he just misses the mark.

I feel dead inside. He killed the *me* I used to be, the me that had the bright, sparkling personality and delighted in our marriage and in him. I don't laugh or smile around him any more. I "pretend" everything is fine when I'm talking with my friends. Aside from our MC and ICs, only my sister and my attorney know about the LTA.

He is working on "talking with me" when we're driving somewhere, or if we're out having a lunch at a little cafe or somewhere. He's not always successful as he's used to sitting there and letting me converse & he participates minimally. He also tends to do the 'easiest thing' and & it's always been about what he wants to make him happy. Yeah, he's been a selfish self-centered narcissistic s.o.b. & is starting to realize it, and how his self-serving brought him to this edge where he is really close to losing his lifestyle and losing me.

I don't know who I married anymore, and he's obviously not the man I thought he was because that man would not have lied, betrayed, deceived me. So who am I married to?

I had complained that when he exits out doors, he holds the door for a few seconds then lets go of the door, and if I'm not through the doorway fast enough (he's not looking out for me!), I have to watch out for a face plant with the door.

Today, we visited a friend in the hospital, and as we exit the building, he holds open the door and lets me out first--no face plant (good sign) ...then he notices blonde woman approaching and waits for her, all the while holding the door open. She thanks him prettily! Oh, what a gentleman he is! Makes me wonder about his holding open the door.

She was far enough away from the door that he could have closed the door and walked with me, instead of waiting for her. This triggered me in two ways--the LTA prostitute was blonde, and he made sure he waited and held the door open for the approaching young woman when it was not necessary because of the distance she was from the door. (No offense meant to any blondes here!)

As we walk to the car, I say "and why am I pissed now?"

He says, curtly "because she was a little, pretty blonde and I held the door for her." I say that's right, and am silent.

Then, on the way home, he is using his angry voice to apologizes. I tell him I will NOT accept any apology given in an angry voice, so when he can use a sincere voice, he can try again.

After about 10 minutes, he uses a nice voice, apologizes, acknowledges that not only is being a blonde woman a trigger (for me, it's if he pays attention to them!), but it was a trigger that he "opened the door for her." Huh? He held the door open for her, he didn't open the door for her. Oh well, same difference in his head, I guess.

I'm also having to model responses for him. For example, he says yes, he would have still been in the A if he hadn't been caught.

I tell him a better way to say that to me would be to add that he was glad he was caught, he is so sorry he lied to me and betrayed my trust, and from now on, he'll be there for me to protect me and keep me safe because he's learned his lesson about how wrong his behavior was.

He is still here because it serves me to have him around, we don't have children, I do not want to support him if we D in our community property/alimony/support state, and I don't want to be alone at my age, and for the most part, he is easy-going and we get along so that works for me, for now.

He says I Love You to me every night (he sleeps in a different bedroom because he's a restless sleeper, has apnea and uses a C-PAP machine), but I say nothing back to him. I'd say Thank You but I think with his hearing loss, he'd probably not hear me correctly and think I'm saying I Love You back to him.

My affect to him is flat. I cannot show him love, happiness and contentment because I'm still raw from DDay#2.

Is my behavior extinguishing any positive behavior he has towards me? I don't want my feelings and behavior to doom the possibility of us staying together--all the while acknowledging that this is going to be a loooooong process.


[This message edited by Hope2B at 4:43 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

isadora posted 10/30/2013 05:11 AM

You're doing fine. Hang in there. Your second dday was not that long ago. Give yourself time to process.

painfulpast posted 10/30/2013 07:51 AM

He had a 7 year affair. You've just found out more about this. You aren't 'killing' feelings. He knows how badly he screwed up. He knows how hurt you are. You don't sound like you're being abusive or over the top.

Please, do what you need to do for you, not for him.


TrustGone posted 10/30/2013 08:05 AM

NO!!!! He is the one that majorly screwed up and had a 7yr LTA. Nothing you did was over the top. I still feel the same way, maybe one day I won't. Betrayal takes a long time to get over, especially LTA's. Hang in there, it does get better with time.

Shocked2believe posted 10/30/2013 12:45 PM

I would imagine that the way you are dealing with all of this is a way of protecting yourself from any further 'blows' to your self esteem and self. Give yourself time to process it all and go through the stages of 'bereavement' at your own pace. This is not a race, he messed up and has to do some serious hard work to even come close to making amends (if that is humanly possible). Concentrate on YOU! (((Hope2be)))))

Ostrich80 posted 10/30/2013 14:14 PM

It's hard to let yourself feel because youve been betrayed, then a 2nd DD. I had the same sich, trusted after first DD, then BOOM, another. I won't allow myself to get smashed again. We aren't R'ing but even if we were, it takes time and a lot of work from him to show he's trustworthy. You can't ignore your feelings and he is the one that should be fretting over how to fix it

Hope2B posted 10/30/2013 15:27 PM

Thank you all for your collective wisdom. This certainly is a process.

My sister cautions about my "always finding fault with him because who would want to be around THAT person", but it's not "always" of course.

I will no longer be silent or gloss things over when there is an opportunity to *teach* him how to do better, let him know what I'm feeling and what I need from him to show me he is stepping up to the plate.

crazyblindsided posted 10/30/2013 17:06 PM

I know what you mean (((Hope2B))) I am feeling that way currently. My WH is doing everything right and I'm just not the same happy go lucky person anymore. I feel like a a dark cloud just looms over me.

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