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Newest Member: Romulus (45761)

User Topic: Adultery and children.
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kicker with adultery....I still feel it is a pain that is confined more to being carried in silent then any other pain I can think of. If my wife or I had cancer the reaction of people is pretty similar...stranger or your Mom, most would be compassionate and caring and supportive.....even your kids could grasp that.

But the reaction and support for the aftermath of adultery being invited into your M is not nearly as easy to seek support from, to community around it, to share with your children.

Our girls have been affected, continue to be affected, by my wifes decision to have an A and my actions and reactions regarding it.

Our counselor advised us to communicate at age-appropriate ways with our girls...6 and 9.

So we visit with them, tell them that Mom and Dad are working on some problems, that we still love each other, love them, ask them how they are feeling, suggest to them it is okay to feel uncomfortable (sad, nervous, angry, scared) when they notice my wife and I discussing solutions to our problems. Our Pastor also recommends this same course of interaction with our girls.

We are no longer in counseling...mutual decision based on our counselors apparent lack of infidelity MC experience (recurring HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL type of cycle after 1 year of weekly sessions was feeling repetitive and unproductive to both of us).

So I understand and have respected the advice of both our professional counselor and our Pastor....but our kids are having trouble...particularly our eldest.

My wife and I have occasionally fought in front of them....3 times in 1 year that I can firmly remember, and those are horrible memories so I believe this is the correct number. But we have had discussions while we were all in the house. Typically we go to our bedroom and shut the door or we lock the house with the kids inside and walk 300 feet either side of our front door.

Typically this results in either a knock on the door with a What Are You Guys Talking About? and Can I Come In? To which we say we will be out in a bit and that Mom and Dad are needing to talk alone....or it results in two little faces peaking out the door or opening the door and asking When Are You Guys Coming In?


Our eldest is very aware of where we physically are...she will hurry to get her shoes on to join us for a walk, want to know exactly which yard (back, side or front) I will be in when I tell her I am going out to mow, then is followed up by a request by her Can You Tell Me If You Go Somewhere Else?

I have tears in my eyes as I write this! How is this my reality, how is this her reality!!!!!?????

But that is me being selfish.

The point of this post is to see if anyone has received good advice that worked to help ease our girls anxiety about what we are doing.

I work a professional job...my wifes part time business primarily involves weekend work. We are no longer in counseling so evenings are our time to learn to R. Even when we were in counseling that was 1 hour a week.

Okay....another long post by me.

Is there a better solution to our situation then what we are currently doing?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:32 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I projecting onto our girls my frustration I would feel if I were in their shoes? The frustration over being told Mom and Dad are working on problems in such general terms that they cant figure out what the problem is? Given no specifics a mind fills in the blanks...mine did during the trickle truth period...it was more damaging then the truth.

Is it possible our girls are filling in the blanks with their names....thinking they are the source of the problems between Mom and Dad?

I know all parents fuck up their kids in one way or another...but we are trying to fuck them up less.

My wife and I come from dysfunctional, D homes. Neither of us remember a sit down, real, truthful conversation about what the D was about, what the real friction in the M was about....my wife comes from an alcoholic home so she as a child could see more of the problems in her parents M then I did.......but I wonder if either of us would have had sit down, truthful conversations about what was going on within our family, would that have helped ease some pain?

My wife and I agree that sometime in our future our girls will know about my wifes A. We both pray our girls never experience being a WS or BS.

It just seems like at 6 and 9 what we are doing is appropriate...and, yet, it is not easy and I wonder if we are allowing them to emotionally grow by engaging as we are or if we are stunting them by our actions.

I don't intend to raise princesss, I have prayed for years that I would have the courage to prepare my daughters for the road and not prepare the road for my daughters. I envisioned this with regards to THEIR decisions and THEIR stumbles. I never thought they would be burdened by my wife and I interactions....not to this extreme. It was my wifes A that caused this disruption in our family, but my reaction to it is every bit at play on my daughters as the A is. This is the full reality of our situation.

I realize it does them a disservice to completely protect them from reality.....but how do you temper a reality that is so very challenging for ADULTS to the point a child can handle without allowing confusion to set in, and their little minds assume and fill in blanks incorrectly?

God be with me.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:10 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Marathonwaseasy
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This stresses me out too.
Different situation. Same worries.
My oldest two are 15 and 12 and have suffered a lot from their dad being ill and in denial for years. His hospital admissions. Him doing a runner from hospital in June and us all thinking he might be dead.
They do not need to know about his A
But I also know that secrets are dangerous and this is a pretty big secret. A FOO obsessed with secrets and lies and compartmentalisation definitely led to fwh being so capable of having an A. I don't want to give my children that legacy.
We are spending a lot of time on R and I'm really wounded. I know I'm not as hands on with our 3 year old and she misses that. Sometimes I just can't handle the fact that I'm so needed. I have to make the effort with her but I can't be as engaged with everything while I'm this devastated. And R is needed for us all.
Fwh is making great ground with our 12 year old but our 15 year old is so angry and has distanced himself from us both - not so much over his dad being ill or the A aftermath (I don't think he knows) but because of more typical teen stuff and a computer game obsession. But we need to break through that for his sake and how do we do that when we have barely the strength to get through the day as it is.

So in summary - I have no idea


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((marathonwaseasy)))

I am sorry for your struggles.

Perhaps we are doing what we can do.

I knew this would hurt...letting reality into the innocent world of a child...but envisioned myself in a safe, firm place when my girls were tested like this....never thought I would be such a part of the reality that tested them.

Foolishly, ignorantly I thought this would be more like.....Dad, I want to buy these $50 jeans, but I want to buy a car too. What should I do?

I thought it would be hard for me NOT to buy her jeans so that she could save $50 to buy a car.

That is what I thought it was going to look like to help prepare my daughters for the road ahead. God help me, I was praying for courage to do that task! How simple a person I am....


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Marathonwaseasy
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((blakesteele))

Life is a messy business all round
I have seen all manner of crap in my job and seen kids grow into great adults despite the challenges they face and sometimes in part because of them. I have to fight against my old strategy of thinking I'm so lucky to be alive and therefore negate all the pain I face and all that I achieve.
My main desire is that my children learn to express their feelings and own their selves. Me and fwh in our different ways failed to do this until now.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
ILINIA
♀ 39836
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good topic. I would like to hear what others say.

I think about this every night when we put ours to bed (7 and 8). All of our discussions happen after 8:30, but I know there are times our DD is awake and I'm sure she knows something is up. If we have to talk during the day, which happened a lot this summer, we would excuse ourselves and say that we need to have an "adult conversation". They seem to understand that and will give us some space, but after a few minutes if they aren't engaged they knock on the door. It is heartbreaking to tell them, "Just a few more minutes." We haven't given them any information, except there are times when adults need to talk.

We have been more aware to ask about feelings. We do that tell me one thing that went well and one thing that didn't go well. I think if we can get them to identify feelings and talk, we have a chance not to mess them up.

The summer was hard because I was pretty much comatose. They made their breakfasts, grabbed food when they were hungry, watched more tv than normal and we rarely left the house. Everyday my face was red from crying or I would start crying randomly, because I would look at them and this how innocent and full of life they are and WH's selfishness could implode that for them. Our DD sees that, but thankfully she is still little and doesn't understand the ugliness of affairs. So if she happens to see the computer screen, she will see the skin and doesn't get too concerned. I don't know how people do it with older kids.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 520 | Registered: Jul 2013
Merlin
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Infidelity is something that happens to families. Waywards like to pretend that it doesn't - before, during and (if it stops) after.

'Thou shalt not commit adultery' is less a commandment than it is a warning.

The wreckage that flows from infidelity is unmeasurable for all.

But, no matter their age when it happens, 'suffer the children' is the worst of it.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The summer was hard because I was pretty much comatose

This is a whole nother can of worms and concerns...and a topic my wife and I cant fully discuss...the whole "were you there for our girls during your A period" issue....suspect that will be a process that will have to involve a trained counselor...pain and anger on both sides. I am processing through how MY actions post-DD have removed me from our daughters lives....and they have. God help me, they have.

That whole spontaneous crying thing? Yeah, I hide it from them too...had to duck in the garage or bathroom quickly and compose myself several times... I hide it at work too....luckily I have a job that requires me to make solo trips to the field sporatically throughout the day. Been caught a few times by co-workers and our daughters...but have been able to deflect any serious discussions.

It is hard but doable.

It sounds as if we are doing a proper thing here....maybe a nothing post. A trained counselor and a Pastor gave me the same advice, as have the many books I have read regarding infidelity and working with children affected by it do...I think I was just looking for "If you eat cheese cake with them every other day it will not affect them." sort of answer.

Peace to us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:43 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning ((blake)). Long note right back at ya!

We did not tell our kids that we had problems. We saved our talks for when they were in school (I feel so fortunate that my H's work is not 9-5 and I so feel for those whose D-Day's happened in the summer) and late at night. The older one did hear a bad fight this past summer.

While they have seen us have more "adult convos" this year but they have also seen us hug, kiss, speak more lovingly to each other as well and talk about being fair, honest and kind.

My two boys have always been somewhat anxious - esp the little one. I suspect this was from watching me during the early years. I was not a great baby/toddler mom. I can admit that now.

As for DS1 who will be 9 in a few weeks, I have noticed he is more anxious since grade 4...I also noticed that he is much more aware of the bad things in the world. I realized this is when I became more aware of that as well - crime, bad people, meanness/pressures from other kids, etc.

He also keeps saying, "I don't want to get older" and is sleeping with all of his stuffies!

Do you think part of the anxiety is coming in part from your eldest being more aware of the ways of the world? If your children feel loved by you and your wife and I suspect they do, I am betting they will grow into happy, healthy children.

R is difficult. Our children do sense when things are not right with mom/dad but the fact that you two are demonstrating the impt of talking things out is wonderful. I also believe kids have their own troubles and that this anxiety is partly due to that as well.

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:45 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2616 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for DS1 who will be 9 in a few weeks, I have noticed he is more anxious since grade 4...I also noticed that he is much more aware of the bad things in the world. I realized this is when I became more aware of that as well - crime, bad people, meanness/pressures from other kids, etc.


Do you think part of the anxiety is coming just from your eldest being more aware of the ways of the world?

We noticed our eldest changing and think it is related to 4th grade..there is more homework and it is not as easy as it has been. She has asked "Why doesnt that man have a home?" when we give a homelessman money. So she is very much becoming aware of some harsher realities of the world.

It probably is a combo of many things....

Like so much of life....when you look backwards it appears so simple, so easy, so not-complicated. Think in 10 years we will think that about this time in our lives? How about 100 years?

I continue to pray for all affected by adultery....including the children, of which 7 are affected by the 1 affair my wife choose to have.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something that concerns me a lot. My 18yo has seen a lot of tears, anger, fighting. She seems fine, don't know if she really is or not?! BUT we talk, talk and talk some more and make a point of having one-on-one time with her and being there to listen, so I really, really hope that she IS sharing with me what concerns her and not keeping things bottled up. Oh for direct access into the goings-on in our youngsters minds!! When I look at the things I have kept hidden in my mind since childhood and how those things have come back to bite me... well I certainly wouldn't wish that on my child!

My advice would be perhaps to sit down with your 9yo and ask her if she is bothered by anything, discuss with her the progress you have made with working on things, try to make her feel that there isn't anything going on that she isn't up to speed on. In an age-appropriate way of course. I think it's the "unknown" that generally worries kids more than the know, if you know what I mean?

Is it possible our girls are filling in the blanks with their names....thinking they are the source of the problems between Mom and Dad?
Quite possible! I had a talk with my therapist about this. I have for 35 years blamed myself for my fathers absence in my life. My therapist said that children are so completely egotistical that they will nearly ALWAYS blame themselves for divorces/deaths/any-bad-thing-that-happens. She said on some level they feel "well the whole world revolves around me, so OF COURSE it must have been my fault" That is how they are wired in childhood. They don't have the mental ability to see or understand that things happen around them that are not necessarily because of them. (Kind of like how us BSs battle to understand that affairs happen in our marriages, but are not always BECAUSE of us!!)

Maybe your 9yo needs a deeper insight into what is going on than her younger sibling does. Maybe she is able to formulate more insecurities and questions than her younger sibling.

{hugs} blake, this is so tough on our families!

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 9:03 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my wifes part time business primarily involves weekend work. ... so evenings are our time to learn to R.

Ummm, every evening?

What about fun? What about quality time with your two daughters?

Life is about balance!

I loved TXW68's solution, so I'll share it with you, but give her due credit:

We put it on the fridge calendar so everyone knows. It looks like this:
Wk 1: Mom/Dad
Wk 2: Mom/DS10 and Dad/DS13
Wk 3: Mom/Dad
Wk 4: Mom/DS13 and Dad/DS10
Wk 5: Family Night
We let the kids decide what they want to do. Last Saturday night, we went to 2 separate restaurants for dinner and then met up at the ice cream shop for family time. We also try to do something with both kids on our weekends too. Take them to the park in the afternoon. Maybe a matinee movie. We may just rent a movie and stay home. But our Saturday nights are ours. Now that they have their own Saturday nights, they are ok with ours. Making everyone happy is doable. Just sit everyone down and brainstorm as a family. They will feel more involved and more accepting of the time you spend together as a couple.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dang it ladies-first...first you remember my posts from way back and use it to remind me of wisdom I chose not to use, now you repeat what my counselor kept telling me...really?!?!

Thanks for taking the time to chime in and for caring.

Your point is tactfully presented and well received.

My wife and I have a weekend away planned in 1 week...no kids, just us....no retreats, just us and nature.

I am looking very forward to this.

....I am working on obsessive thinking. Sleepless night, up at 3 a.m. Checked my wifes computer this morning, history was cleaned yesterday afternoon. Did not trigger but did think about asking her about it then (she had just went to bed 30 minutes earlier) but let it go, left a sticky note on computer asking her to please explain. She did at 8 this morning....all good.

Between 3 and 8 I had thoughts about it, but did not obsess or take my anxiety to the next level.

....its the small victories, isn't it?

p.s. I have consciously chosen to reduce both the frequency and duration of "evening talks". I am bias but think I have reduced both dramatically since, say, 6 months ago.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:15 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my favorite poems of all time:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

("This Be the Verse", Phillip Larkin)

My kids were the same age as yours on DD. My DS (9 at the time) saw us arguing. He's a sensitive soul, so he definitely knew there was something up. We let him know that we were having problems but were talking it through; that it wasn't his fault; that we loved him and always would; and that we would always be there for him, no matter what. I think it is important to address this directly with kids rather than hiding it and pretending nothing's happening. They're too smart for that and, honestly, I feel like kids need to know that people can have conflict and still be OK and secure. When you can talk about it, you show your kids that you're in control and it's OK.

A critical piece of this was to try really, really hard to only have discussions when they weren't around or after they went to bed. And this can involve a date night arrangement, which is good anyway because that way you can bottle stuff up for when you know you will have time to talk about things properly. We do this once a week. And yes, DS doesn't like us going out because he is more anxious, but it's critical for our M.

Good luck


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been struggling this a lot. We have one 9 year old, and having too child-centered a marriage was one of the issues that destabilized our marriage. So, we have been taking more "us" time, and also fighting more, and I think it has been hard on our son...who is a sensitive guy.

At four months out, we are in triage mode. I know that a stronger M, and having our son take a more balanced role in the family, is the healthiest thing. But,I have the same fears that everyone else does. I always felt at a minimum, that I was a good parent. I don't feel that is consistently true now.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I have a weekend away planned in 1 week...no kids, just us....no retreats, just us and nature.

I am looking very forward to this.


How lovely for you and your wife! I hope it's a bonding weekend.

Title of your post: "Adultery and children."

What about quality time with your two daughters?

Our eldest is very aware of where we physically are...she will hurry to get her shoes on to join us for a walk, want to know exactly which yard (back, side or front) I will be in when I tell her I am going out to mow, then is followed up by a request by her Can You Tell Me If You Go Somewhere Else?

DD9 needs you now! Today! Often! She's telling you, very clearly, about feeling ABANDONED. Only you and your wife have the power to take her feelings of abandonment to heart and make her feel safe and loved.

Put SI aside if you must; DD9 and DD6 only have one Daddy.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not easy, but you're doing a good job here, blakesteele.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 10:03 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always felt at a minimum, that I was a good parent. I don't feel that is consistently true now.

..totally get this feeling Bionicgal. My own frustration comes from how I am acting and reacting to my wifes A. I have voluntarily chosen myself over my daughters...allowing blows to be administered to my Daddy-image by the real actions of not being fully present for my daughters. I continue to be impressed with how far you have come in just 4 months!

DD9 needs you now! Today! Often! She's telling you, very clearly, about feeling ABANDONED. Only you and your wife have the power to take her feelings of abandonment to heart and make her feel safe and loved.

My wife and I get this...have had regular Dad-Daughter, Mom-Daughter date-nights...alternating daughters every other "date-night". Those have been more frequent then actual Husband Wife date-nights. Schedule derailed all date-nights a bit recently but we fully intend to get back to it. In the mean time I have gone to their school and had lunch with them...though recently my youngest accepted my offer to have lunch with her at school, my eldest declined politely....I think some of that has to do with her maturing....getting to that point where it is not really that fun to have your Dad hang with you while around a group of your peers. My wife has had a shopping trip with our eldest and I stayed home with the youngest recently too....all good inputs.

I have been thinking of having them take the kids love languages quiz. I believe our eldest is a "Quality Time" love language girl....our youngest may be a "Acts of service" love language girl...think it might be beneficial to know. Thinking if we know their love languages we can fill their love tanks faster so as to help them process this time of angst.

Kid-centric marriages are common, I dont think we were moving that direction...but it was mentioned in this post...I see these all around.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:25 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
GraceisGood
♀ 17686
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DD9 needs you now! Today! Often! She's telling you, very clearly, about feeling ABANDONED. Only you and your wife have the power to take her feelings of abandonment to heart and make her feel safe and loved.

You know your kids, so this may not be what they need, but some people need rituals, or traditions, things that help them feel connected and part of a "special" or "exclusive" group.

When I hear my kids and their friends talk, I notice a lot of "my family does this......" or "that is weird, that is not how my family does this or that...."

They are proud of their own little special things they do for birthdays, holidays, and in general that make them an their families unique and just for them. Perhaps brainstorm alone and them with your kids and come up with some "special" things that are just for your family (our family goes to the movies and out to lunch for fathers day, that is one of our things, so our kids get to tell their friends they cannot play that day because that is our "special" day).

As far as parents f-n up their kids, yep, it is true, but some kids are born not understanding and they just have "issues" irregardless of the parents. It is embarassing to say, but I was born believing any negative things around me were my fault, and yes, I did blame myself for my parents D. I was 28 when I had my first epiphany of life and I realized that I was not the cause of all my mothers pain, that others had hurt her and she was dealing with it as best she knew and that it was not my responsibility to "fix" it just to have empathy for her. A huge turning point for me. I am not sure she could have ever "done or said" anything to help me understand this, as it was not something she did to cause this feeling, but just who I was/am.

Best of wishes working this out, it is not easy to juggle it all.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3472 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
MC_Jack
♂ 35016
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Blake,

don't have the time right now to go through the whole thread, but I want to say that children have their own cycles of attachment issues based on their own development. I would not assume that it has anything to do with the infidelity.

You just need to engage directly as someone posted above, and provide reassurance and teach them confidence, not look at it through the lens of the affair damage IMO.

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 896 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
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