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I am so fucking pissed off. How dare him do all this shit and then have a fucking stroke and be helpless!I can't even express my thoughts or feelings! He has betrayed me on so many different levels. Motherfucker!!! How dare you!!!!!!!!!!

I don't blame you vtach. You have to be his comfort after all he's done to you and you probably want him to just die. Well, maybe not that...but seriously it's a shitty situation.

I know how you feel. I had to nurse STBX for more than a year and the thanks I got was an affair.

It's not fair. It does suck. Try something good for you today, anything that can distract you even if it's just a walk. Be good to you. Caretaking is the most difficult job in the world. To take care of the one that destroyed you must be so painful and I hear the anger. It's okay to be angry. Let yourself be as angry as you need to be. Then try to breathe...Just breathe..

Big hugs ((vtach))

(((Vtach)))) no words of wisdom. Just hugs. You have been heard.

(((Vtach)))

I am sure that taking care of the POS WH would disgust me too. I am waiting for mine to have a heart attack. I sure hope it is fatal because I don't want to take care of him anymore. He didn't take care of me when I needed him, so I figure turn around will be fair play.

I'm so sorry, vtach. I understand. When I finally realized that D was the only option, my next thought was that I would not have to nurse him through all the disabilities that I knew were coming his way. Cosmically, I was distressed that I felt this way about another human being, but personally, not one iota of remorse for thinking of him that way.

Be good to yourself. (((((vtach)))))

I totally understand.

My H had a 18month full on PA/EA with his secretary - after I discovered it in April 2010 - they continued to work together for another 2 years while he looked for another job.

Two and half years of stress every day. Two and half years of constant broken NCs.

Finally in Oct 2012 he gets another job - 3 weeks later he's diagnosed with blood cancer and needs a bone marrow transplant.

After the dust settled with the diagnosis - I did tell him "...if you or she ever contact the other - I will see you through this...then I'm leaving you..."

Thats when REAL R began for us - it took a life-threatening situation for him to really appreciate what he risked losing.

Yes - I had days when I was furious too - you treat me like that for 2 years - and now *I'M* the one here taking care of you!!!!!!!!!

(((vtach)))

I would of nursed my husband back from anything. Not now.

I love him but being a caregiver takes your life away. Many stats show the caregiver passes before the ill family member from stress. Please be kind to yourself look to other family members for them to come in and relieve you so you can get out.

I pray he recovers. If he doesnt have a good prognosis ie paralized etc have you called local nursing homes?

Check out his options if you want out.

I wont take care of my spouse I have told him. I told him I am to small in size to be trying to care for him.

You are a better person than I. There is no way I'd be taking care of him after everything he put you through.

((((vtach))))

((vtach)) So sorry that it has come to this for you....one a positive note at least you will know where he is at night....

Look into some in home support for you. You will need to be able to get out and have a break from the constant work of looking after him.

There is nothing wrong with placing him in a care facility if it is too much for you at home. Now is the time for family and friends to step up and help you too....HUGS

PS-Look for a "stroke support group" in your area...there are many people in your position and sometimes just being able to talk about it with someone who is living it too helps...HUGS

[This message edited by movingforward777 at 10:37 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Vtach. Your post has rally struck a cord in me. I'm new here and haven't commented much on anything but have asked advice and vented but my prayers are with you and I think I can totally comprehend your anger. Just like all the others who have posted here have said take care of yourself and do what's good for you. Keep posting too as the people on here are incredible!

(((Vtach)))

(((Vtach)))

(((vtach)))

You cannot get too many hugs right now!

I am so sorry and understand completely you being pissed off!!

My WH had cancer and went through chemo after dday. Before I knew about the cheating I would have reacted differently, you know? I took care of him, but it was hard because I was mad too. Why this now??? Here were all the nurses being so nice to him and I kept thinking if you ladies only knew what he did to me. It appeared I was upset about the cancer, but it was all mixed in.

The betrayal is terrible and I am sending you strength, you are going to need it whatever the outcome is.

Please take care of yourself and do not feel guilty for doing so!

You know, I get it. My STBWXH has had some bad medical news lately. If he REALLY needed me to care for him I would. But, have you ever seen diary of a mad black woman? LOL, he would get a few good smacks and some dumpings/near drownings in the garden tub too!

Vtach, you KNOW that I empathize with you: completely. This SUCKS and it is SO unfair. Do you think they would do the same for us?-Hell no. Not in my case, anyway. No way.

Once WH was finally starting to recover from his accident (once the shock was starting to cool down a bit for me) I caught myself wishing that I found out about his "true" identity after the accident because then he wouldn't be able to do the massive cover up that he had done 2 years ago and I would have actually gotten some truth. I immediately felt guilty that I had wished this and stopped thinking about any of the A(s) at all. Not so much rugsweeping, more of temporary shift of focus.

But, it comes back, doesn't it. For most people, a life threatening situation would be an eye-opener. Maybe it has for my WH, maybe it has for yours. Maybe they've "changed." That doesn't change the fact that they did all of these things.

And, it doesn't prove that they've freaking changed either. Pre -"But, I've changed", WH would have LOVED the attention and sympathy that he got from his condition. He was raised to make himself into a victim to get what he wanted. Heck, now he actually is a victim. I can't believe that he isn't using that in some way to solicit sex from ex girlfriends or C/L. It's too perfect for him.

He still has shitty behavior (as I've told you before). Even more so now, because of the frontal lobe injury. What did we do to deserve him acting like a jerk all the time now? What did we do but side by their side and take care of them?

I don't know where I'm going with this. I think I saw your vent and since I have been feeling EXACTLY the same way I decided to jump on your bandwagon. Fuck this, vtach. Fuck it in the ear.

Wagon's Ho!

((((vtach))))

((((vtach))))

Hugs to you vtach. I know this must be hard for you. Please let me say this gently - You do not have to take care of him. You do not have to be his caregiver. There are programs and support that can do that for him. It doesn't have to be you and you should feel no guilt if you choose not to be his caretaker.

I work with seniors, helping them plan for and obtain governments benefits, such as VA and Medicaid, to help pay for long term care. Even if things were fine, caregiving is such a stressful job that it can suck the life right out of you. You do not have to do it. There are benefits and government services available to help him and take that burden off of you. Message me if you want to chat more about those options.

((((vtach))))

I just want to say thank you for listening. This is the one place that there is someone or many who can relate. Thank you very much.

Love my SI friends and appreciate how so many people can just really "hit the nail on the head". Thank you. It was exactly what I need.

WH is doing well physically. He is able to do most everything as before but at a much slower pace. Mentally is a different story. He will likely never recover much of his brain loss.

Thank you so much for being so kind and understanding. Oh, and did I say "thank you".

Hey there, I understand how you feel about now taking care of the BS. my husband has been back 3 weeks and were moving forward, seeing a counselor,etc. He has a bad heart and I guess I will end up taking care of him someday soon. I will do it because I am just a good person but I will resent it. This is so sick but I look forward to the day when he has to depend on me. Then I will think ok MF it's payback time. Kind of a love/hate thing I feel for him. Dumb ass man, karma has a way of making it fair again.