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Just started 180 on Sunday. Question:

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justjim posted 10/30/2013 05:30 AM

I just found this site last week and started 180 on Sunday. Last week when I was still in the "it's all my fault, let me sweep you off of your feet again" mindset, I gave her flowers. They are still on the dining room table, and serve as a reminder to my foolishness.

Should I throw them out? Let her decide when they go?

Or does their presence make a clear line that the situation has changed?


homewrecked2011 posted 10/30/2013 05:34 AM

When they die, toss them, otherwise it looks like you are confused.

You gave her flowers, you offered her your heart, she knows 180 HARD.

Keep posting we'll help you along the way.

justjim posted 10/30/2013 06:35 AM

Since I started 180 on Sunday, she has tried to be extra talkative and sweet.
This morning she was withdrawn and silent, as if she is throwing it back at me. I ignored it.

Is her behavior normal?

TrustGone posted 10/30/2013 06:47 AM

Yes. At first they don't get it and try to make you feel better. Then they get pissed that them being nice has no effect on you anymore. I think that is why alot of people think they are doing something to their WS by doing the 180, but it's really about you.

[This message edited by TrustGone at 8:46 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Raven96 posted 10/30/2013 07:58 AM

Stick to your guns and keep doing the 180.

I would throw out the flowers, but that is just me.

We are here for you! Post as many questions or vents as you need, and read as much as you can in the Healing Library. Knowledge is power!


No12turn2 posted 10/30/2013 09:21 AM

I feel your pain. Post here often and feel free to share the rest of the story. It really helps to talk about it and the folks on this site are amazing!

Shocked2believe posted 10/30/2013 12:59 PM

Incredible power to you for doing the 180 when all your instincts want you to do the absolute opposite. Keep reading reading and reading and remember this is NOT your doing or fault. From my little experience (only been 6 months since DD) it's typical behaviour for the WS to act like that.

If I had the strength you had to do the 180 I'd throw the flowers out and continue full steam ahead with 180. Just my opinion of course. More power to you and keep posting.

justjim posted 10/31/2013 06:13 AM

She is fighting back.

Yesterday, she was still wearing her wedding ring. This morning she insisted on showing me her hands ("Does it look like I may be having circulation problems in my hands?")

I noticed the ring missing, but didn't bat an eye. I just said "That is way out of my department... You should probably talk to your doctor about health concerns."

Did I handle it ok? Seeing the ring missing actually broke my heart. Kind of seemed final, in a way.

maddmurph posted 10/31/2013 06:18 AM

Did I handle it ok? Seeing the ring missing actually broke my heart. Kind of seemed final, in a way.

I'm no expert but it sounds right to me.

My wife is doing the same thing. My ring is sitting next to hers.

justjim posted 10/31/2013 07:15 AM

Mine has been in my drawer for about a week. I didn't make a big production out of it, just took it off one morning and put it away. If she asked, I was going to tell her that it was simply a reminder of a broken promise.
But she never mentioned it. I think removing hers is simply tit for tat... She is thinks this is some kind of childish game.

I choose not to participate.

jjct posted 10/31/2013 07:20 AM

Good move. Don't participate.
Very good move.
Keep it up.

justjim posted 10/31/2013 09:21 AM

More games.

After repeatedly insisting that she wants a divorce (and making very public announcements to our friends to that effect, when I am not around),
She now wants me to go to the doctor with her concerning an ongoing medical issue "for strength and support. She also wants me to get her dependent military ID renewed (I am retired military). Which doesn't make sense... She will lose the ID in a divorce.
Her words and her actions seem contrary to one another. Her words seem almost as if she is laying the groundwork in case I expose her betrayal. (She tells others that she wants a divorce because I have not been attentive to her "needs").

Am I over thinking this?

By the way, my answer to her requests was "We'll see." In accordance with 180, I am avoiding discussions concerning the future. I think her requests may be an attempt to push me into those discussions.

still2suspicious posted 10/31/2013 09:54 AM


First, and foremost, THANK YOU for your service.

She is playing games with you to see how far she has to go to get you to back down.

First they're all sweet and nice.

Then, when you don't respond, they go for the pissed off.

Her showing you her hands, sans ring? She wants to make sure you saw she took them off.

Questions about ID? She is trying to snow you to think that she is looking towards the future of "us". To see if you will bite, and to see if it will get you off track.

YOU, OTOH, are doing incredible!! Your answers are short, and concise. PERFECT 180!!

Keep it up!

PS: I read how you got your username, and it broke my heart!

Sending strength.

justjim posted 10/31/2013 11:12 AM

The "divorce" thing confuses me.

She insists to me and everyone else that she wants a divorce, yet she has made no move toward making it happen. No attorney, no separation, nada.
She keeps threatening to move into the guest room. When I reply "whatever suits you is fine with me", she drops the subject. She has been talking about the guest room for five weeks now. Only once did I reach out for her sexually (when I was still trying to do anything to save the marriage). She started crying uncontrollably and could only say "I can't" between sobs.
Maybe I should move out of the bedroom, but that is not my nature. I refuse to be inconvenienced by HER behavior.
She only sleeps in the master bedroom anyway. She changes clothes in the guest room and avoids any chance that I will see her in any state of undress.

Doesn't bother me too much. It makes me think that she believes she is "cheating" on someone else if she has sex with me or allows me to see her undressed.
THAT thought certainly helps cool any amorous thoughts.

wert posted 10/31/2013 11:21 AM

Am I over thinking this?

In short, yes. You are trying to understand, ridiculous and childish behavior. Play your life, not hers.

The 180 is about you my friend. It is about getting back into you. It has nothing, I repeat nothing, to do with your W. Good, bad or indifferent.

It is also not about being distant from her. It's about simply figuring out what you want to do and then going to do it. She may be involved she may not be.

I have kids. They became my primary focus. Sometimes my W joined sometimes not. I picked up new hobbies. Started meditating, thinking things through, made some cool new friends. Made time for me.

The flowers. You gave a gift, good for you and don't feel bad about it. Yes, IMO it was a mistake, but have you ever gone through this before? I bet not. You will make lots of mistakes. Be kind to yourself, be into yourself, be about you for a while. Get yourself straight and then take a look at who she really is....

take care...

still2suspicious posted 10/31/2013 11:53 AM

She keeps threatening to move into the guest room

Maybe she just needs a little help!

Maybe when she is out of the house YOU can take her stuff and dump it in the guest room. Save her the trouble.

And then aren't you being the helpful H??

She keeps making the D, and moving in spare room, threats just to see how far she can push you. Don't fall for it.

Be a good guy and help poor, little helpless her!

Forgive me if you already covered this but have you seen a L? Since she is telling everyone she wants a D, again, help the poor little lady and give her one!!

Oh yeah, and FTB!!!

Sending strength

justjim posted 10/31/2013 12:15 PM

I'm pretty focused on me, but it is hard not to try to analyze the behavior and reactions of someone with whom I have lived, loved, laughed, shared moments of incredible joy and profound sadness for 12 years.

Suddenly, I don't even KNOW this person anymore. Even her facial features look different to me, I am seeing little imperfections that I didn't used to see.

As for moving her things... Nope, not doing it. She is going to have to learn that I am DONE doing for her. If she wants it done, she can damn well do it her self.
Besides, I don't want to give her any more reasons to talk me down to our friends. I'm not the one putting our dirt in the street. She is.

I am remaining aloof and detached.

Forgive me if I use this place to try to figure out her behavior. It's the only place I've got outside of my own head.

lieshurt posted 10/31/2013 12:17 PM

She now wants me to go to the doctor with her concerning an ongoing medical issue "for strength and support.

Don't go. This is just her way of keeping you emotionally engaged and manipulating you.

Shocked2believe posted 10/31/2013 12:21 PM

I have to agree, she's just seeing how far she can push you. Why give up a comfortable situation at home? Sounds like she's got her bread buttered on both sides. Once again, power to you for sticking to your guns forging ahead with the 180. Probably confusing the hell out of her hence her 'playing these games' with you to see where the status quo lays. Think you've inspired me. Thank you and hope it doesn't take to long for you discover what you're supposed to on this very emotional journey.

justjim posted 10/31/2013 13:03 PM


Trouble is, she is using any excuse to trash me to our friends and her family. (I'm not saying much. Kind of ashamed of the whole thing.)

I worry that if I don't go, it will be " can you believe that he wouldn't even go to the doctor with me when I told him that I needed him? See what kind of man he is? Do you blame me?"

Gotta play chess, not checkers.

I am also inclined to go simply out of human compassion. I would provide strength and support to a complete stranger in a time of legitimate need. To abandon my own character and personality in response to her misdeeds would be a gross violation of the idea behind 180, if I understand it correctly.
Gotta keep being me, despite her... Right?

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