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alifeforesaken posted 10/30/2013 09:20 AM

Why me? way more so than why did WH do this? I know why, he is selfish and a coward. So why me? I didn't deserve this. I know that. I know it's not my fault, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I've always been a pretty independent woman and I take on a lot of responsibilities, I know I couldlive without him, but that doesn't mean I want to.

Since I have no one to talk to yet, I need tell this to someone. I guess I'll start with a little background and then DDay. We are married now 5 yrs, together for 10. Have a beautiful and smart 16 mo old and I am currently 5 mo pregnant. Both working full-time, he worked his way up just his summer to high level position over the course of our relationship, no degree, this point is something to note. DDay: Officially, 9-28-13. It's still fresh. I say official because that's not technically when I discovered, but it was when I confirmed and confronted my WH of an EA. There wasn't any one thing or moment that made me suspicious, I guess just subtle behavior changes, shortness, easily aggravated, what I thought to be extensive and sometimes secretive phone use, a major blow up towards my family, that prompted some talking, yet nothing. One day, I decided to look at his personal phone (he has a business one too), and I clicked on text to a friend. Partly because his friend is a serial cheater, I've been hearing that saga for as long as we have been a couple. Partly curious about that, but not entirely expecting a confession on my WH behalf. In the message which was bittersweet, he said to his friend that he (the friend) has loved another woman for years and it won't change, that he'll just keep breaking his wife's heart. the next sentence. "I'm happy I stopped messing with "Ow"". "I didn't get that bad" Talk about a shock. Not only did he admit to something, I didn't know what at the time, but I knew who it was, and I didn't know how to take the message. Did he come to his senses, was it over? The OW, is his assistant. So complicated.

I didn't say anything, a few days later I snooped again and I found a heart wrenching exchange between WH and OW. There was clearly some tension, but it clearly not over. I don't thin she is married but in a long relationship that involves children, her BH, also works at the company. More complicated. I barely managed to read the messages and he came walking in. He could see it on my face. I just told him I read something I didn't like. He admitted to it, and said he was hoping I would find out. He was too embarrassed to tell me. I don't doubt that, he has some serious insecurities, mostly from his upbringing, that I had asked before if he would go to IC to work through. It still hurt that he couldn't tell me. We talked, I cried, he was almost emotionless. I didn't know how to read him. I have seen him cry before. He said he was wrong, but it wasn't until later that he admitted he cheated and had an affair. I had to explain to him that even though there was nothing physical, he said he loved another woman, and that hurt just as much maybe more so. He said it was about 3 months. He said it was over. The last few weeks are starting to blur. I can't talk to anyone, I don't want there to be biased if we can R. Over the last few weeks I became increasingly paranoid, he was sort of open about his phone and messages for a little while, but the more I found, the more I prodded the worse it got and the more he pulled away. I still look when I can, but I am pretty certain he is attempting to cover his tracks, if any, anyway. He wants to see a MC, which is hopeful, I to some extent agreed to "cool it" with the questions until then, because he has a hard time talking about it. The appt. is in less than 2 weeks and I can not wait. I cry at some point everyday, but I remind myself I need to take care of myself. I just so angry at times, I get angry that this could affect my daughter, I hate that her father could be so selfish, weak and a coward.

I asked if the OW could be transferred, he said no, he is extremely afraid of a harassment issue and losing his job. I have looked, there is not much out there for him, he is gaining experience but with no degree, it would be a significant financial hit, and we are just stabilizing ourselves. NC is something I mentioned, which is not totally possible, but he isn't grasping the boundaries he can place, or and what I suspect, isn't willing to. I'm hoping the MC can help him here. I tried to get him to read a article written by a WH about understanding what a BS is dealing with, he read it, but Didn't get it, I don't think. I did manage to get him to read most of 5 love languages. I felt that it was the least likely to provoke a conversation directly about the A, but to get him thinking.

Surprisingly, I see him trying to implement what he learned. I just can't seem to get it out of my head that he is not fully out of the A, or possible searching for "excitement" as he called it elsewhere. OUr 5 yr anniv. was last week, what a rough week. I wished so hard he would show me something extra and nothing, a simple card that said I love you. Really!!??!! I just want to get the counseling and confront this once and for all. I hope. So I can decide what my future holds. I ordered the book Not just friends, I cannot wait for it to arrive, I am really hoping it will help me cope in the coming days. I am reading all that I can about every side of this situation. Preparing to do a 180, if required, I have not committed to it completely until I know if R or D is the path I'm headed. Knowing his personality and upbringing, even a presumed cold shoulder will create spite with him, I have seen him do it to others. A poor coping mechanism he has developed growing up I'm sure.

I just hate this rollercoaster. I wish I could see around the corner.

No12turn2 posted 10/30/2013 09:25 AM

Try and keep busy and it will help to occupy your mind. I too had to wait for my first MC session and we ended up going in a day early based on a receptionist mess up. I felt crushed and desperate. I didn't want to leave. Just know that no matter how dark the night, the dawn will break!

Bamzor posted 10/30/2013 09:42 AM

Sorry this happen to you. I have to ask what is the exposure level? Parents, his parents? Don't know if his job would be in jeopardy..thats a tough one.
Your husband only thinks he is in love with her....Do you know it is only an EA? Likely it is a PA spouses think if we don't have proof they believe EA is easier on us..where it really is just easier on their mind. Him stating he loves her...Its more than likely PA. There are ways to finding out...
MC can provide answers. You will find help on here. Many of us have walked down this path...with WW or WH's. It really pisses me off when pregnancy is involved. I want the best for you.

alifeforesaken posted 10/30/2013 09:57 AM

Exposure, little to none at the moment. That is not to say it will stay that way. Other than a friends or so of his (no help) and the OW knows I know. I have contemplated tell her BH, I know I could easily get his contact info because WH was his manager previously and still has contact. So messed up. I am truly unsure if it would jeopardize his job. The OW and her BS are much younger than us, also, come from a less than fortunate environment and could get desperate. I have never liked how his company has handled personal events, so I truly understand his fears for his job. Granted it could turn out ok, but I don't want to do anything yet. As for EA vs. PA, well I know he would certainly think a PA is worse, I know, he pretty much said it, when he said he didn't think it was cheating because there was no physical contact. Do I believe him, no, but that doesn't mean he is lying. I just do not think he has told me everything. How other than him fessing up, do I find out?

Part of my fear is that he is not leaving me is because he loves his daughter, knows I'm pregnant, though it's not like this is reducing my stress, and to save face.

I think when it come to exposure, I want to do it carefully. My family is very much around, and though I think if I wanted to R, they would support me, but I cannot deal right now with them pushing me to D, which is know is a common reaction. I want to make that decision for myself.

He has been really trying the past few days, really going out of his way to contact me and do things he knows I would appreciate. He has left his phones out in the open (though I think he knows he would never leave an evidence anyway), and this is making it really hard on me. I know he says he loves me, wants to work on this, he says he knows he would never find better, that the A was excitement when our marriage had lost that, and I see very slow progress, but its only half comforting. Comforting in the sense that he didn't walk out, that there is a glimmer of hope. But can there be hope if I have no trust. none right now.

Bamzor posted 10/30/2013 10:16 AM

I may have miss read..that he "loved another woman" that he was still in love with her. Your stating he is trying. That's good!
Recovery is months, even years of work. It is very much possible if both are trying. You hurt, we know you hurt. Take care of yourself...walk and exercise for you and your baby.
Yes there is hope...but trust well he broke it and he must earn it back. It can come, but it takes time.

[This message edited by Bamzor at 10:18 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

LAFA posted 10/30/2013 10:55 AM

So sorry you had to find us, but it will be better for you that you did. Unfortunately, he still has some walls up around you and thinks he can call the tune. As difficult as it may be for you, you must make sure he knows this is not the case. Yes, you are afraid, but he is even more so. He must be made to understand that he is not going to skate on his betrayal of you and the children. IC is a good first step, along with honesty and transparency. He has absolutely no right to tell you to cool it with the questions, he should be damned uncomfortable. I think it is likely you will need a confidant, but choose carefully. He should not be more afraid of exposure than losing you. Be certain to communicate that to him. Others will come along with great advice, just know you have our support and compassion. You are not alone.

Secrets Kept posted 10/30/2013 11:20 AM

You need to out the A to the OW's BH.
But not let your WH know beforehand or he will tell her.
But that is the BEST way to see it has truly ended.

If they work together, it probably hasn't. You don't just get over an EA so easy. Remember they were emotionally attached so they are probably just covering their tracks & will go underground unless you get tough.

You call the shots now, not your BH & if he were really over the EA & truly ended it, he wouldnt mind answering your ?'s.

I am so sorry you are here but it is a great place to be in the circumstances.

Hugs to you & babies.