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The day after the first date

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stupidstupidme posted 10/30/2013 10:51 AM

I'm so paranoid and impatient. I've been talking to this person for a few weeks... he's been wanting to take me out, and I've put him off, until last night. I wanted to get to know him, take it slow, etc...

Seemed to go well. I think it went well. He kissed me bye at the end of the night and said he'd talk to me today.

Haven't heard from him. I know it isn't even noon yet, but I've been hearing from him often every day.

I'm just being stupid, right? I am feeling a little unsure now, and thinking of all the things he may not have liked about me. WTF is my problem...

Oh well - just first date so I guess if he disappears, it's no loss. I have no feelings whatsoever - yet... but I was happy when I went to bed last night, and now feel kinda let down.

nowiknow23 posted 10/30/2013 10:53 AM

I'm just being stupid, right?
Deep breath, honey. You're not being stupid, you're interested and think he is too and you're anxious for proof of that.

So breathe. Carry on with your day. And try not to micro analyze or clock watch, ok?

stupidstupidme posted 10/30/2013 10:56 AM

Thanks... sheesh... too many bad experiences with jerks, I guess.

Maybe I should put the phone in my purse and not even look at it.

nowiknow23 posted 10/30/2013 11:05 AM

Would that help? Would you be able to leave it alone and focus your attention elsewhere?

stupidstupidme posted 10/30/2013 11:12 AM

I'm ok...

Ya know, I can't help but sit here thinking why do people do that? Seems to be the norm, for me at least. Good morning texts, how is your day going texts in the middle of the day. How was your workout - after the gym... etc... like total polite effort - then NOTHING after the date.

Deeply Scared posted 10/30/2013 11:15 AM

During your date last night did me make any mention of being out of pocket today for work? Meetings? Off site work?

sparkysable posted 10/30/2013 11:21 AM

some people are great behind the keyboard, but not so much in real life.

stupidstupidme posted 10/30/2013 11:37 AM

DS - he didn't specifically say anything about today, but he is some kind of manager at a marina, and I know he said something about they are starting winter hours and winterizing. Yesterday he sent a pic of them taking a nice boat out of the water - in winter here they dry dock most boats.

This morning it was pouring, so I guess he could be super busy with the weather being shitty and the winterizing. I know I shouldn't jump to any conclusions, but like I said, past experience has made me paranoid.

[This message edited by stupidstupidme at 11:38 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Deeply Scared posted 10/30/2013 11:45 AM


Well, I'm betting he's just super busy with getting the boats ready and working against the nasty weather.

It's been over 22 years since I was in the dating circuit, but is it total taboo for you to send him a text later this afternoon saying "just wanted to say hi and thanks again for last night" type thing if you haven't heard from him?

Williesmom posted 10/30/2013 11:58 AM

Did you send him the "Thanks for the nice evening, blah, blah,blah" text?

If not, you could do that to get the conversation started.

InnerLight posted 10/30/2013 12:14 PM

Some people need time to digest the experience of a first date. Give a person space. Focus your mind on your own life and what makes you happy. Don't let the first date jitters which are normal throw you off your center.

dontknowwhyme posted 10/30/2013 12:22 PM

He kissed me bye at the end of the night and said he'd talk to me today.

That does not mean you can't start the conversation. Just sayin

better4me posted 10/30/2013 12:36 PM

I totally get what you are feeling today. I have been on 30+ first dates in the last2 years and I've felt the exact thing you are feeling about 20 times. (the other 10+ times were when I DIDN'T want him to be interested in me). IMO, these two things are conclusions you can make at this point of the game 1) His not texting means nothing 2)His not texting means something. And the thing is, you won't know which one it is until you know. I've had great first dates that went nowhere. I've had so-so first dates that ended up with me getting to know a great guy. After over 2 years of doing this, I still can't predict what will happen!

This is what I would do in your situation, Go ahead and text him later today if you haven't heard from him by mid afternoon. Text him only once, if he doesn't reply let it be and don't text him again. If he does reply, keep it casual and brief in your reply.

Lower your expectations. You're right about this:

Oh well - just first date so I guess if he disappears, it's no loss.
You'll be disappointed and okay if he disappears. You haven't invested anything except a few hours of your time.

Chill. Let him make the next move. Be involved in your life today. When you find yourself worrying let worry go. Do this 1000 times if you have to.

You are not paranoid, impatient or stupid--you're HUMAN!

stupidstupidme posted 10/30/2013 13:03 PM

I got caught up with my boss and got busy for a while, so that's good. LOL

I did send a similar text to what he sends me "how is your day going" and made a joke about mine. He replied a little while later "lol" then "busy"

I didn't respond and don't plan to. He's busy, and I leave work in an hour, get Bunt, and have a lot to do with him to get ready for Halloween tomorrow. I also have a busy busy five days ahead of me, which is good.

Guess I'll hear from him later... or not. Thanks!!! Needed to talk it out though.

She11ybeanz posted 10/30/2013 13:29 PM

Oh well - just first date so I guess if he disappears, it's no loss. I have no feelings whatsoever - yet... but I was happy when I went to bed last night, and now feel kinda let down.

This happened to me.....had "what I thought" was the perfect 1st date...he told me how he had a great time and wanted to take me out again.....and then POOF! I went to bed extremely happy.....and by the end of the week realized that I was apparently the only one who had fun. It was extremely frustrating. I hate that feeling..... but its unfortunately a big part of online dating. I just have to work on thickening up my skin. I'm WAY too sensitive.

Its very possible that he is busy and will contact you soon. Don't freak out just yet!

I did send a similar text to what he sends me "how is your day going" and made a joke about mine. He replied a little while later "lol" then "busy"

I'm not a fan of his response. Maybe I'm being my usual over-sensitive self but this reminds me of a response I got back from a guy that I had gone on a 1st date with whom I nicknamed "triathlon dad." He was going out of town for a whole week and had "put off" our 2nd date for after his trip....and I sent him a text on the day he was leaving just saying that I hoped he had a safe trip and I looked forward to seeing him when he got back.... and his response was, "thank you, I'm looking forward to working uninterrupted" and I never heard from him again. Jerk.

I don't like the short responses he gave you. They seemed cold to me. But, maybe he really is busy.... but I've heard that no one is too busy to contact someone they REALLY want to contact. Let's see how the day and night play out. He may redeem himself....but right now, I want to smack him for you..

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:35 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

stupidstupidme posted 10/30/2013 13:41 PM

Thanks. Not online dating - he's a friend of a good friend of mine.

I guess there's pros and cons to getting to know someone for a while before the first date. I prefer it because I think when the date comes, I feel like I already "know" them, and it takes the awkwardness out.

Yet, in a case like this, I guess the con could be that if it doesn't click for one or both people in person, the let down might be a little more - like since we've been talking and getting to know each other for several weeks.

I guess we shall see......... I'm very glad I have a lot of fun and time consuming things coming up over the next several days.

stupidstupidme posted 10/30/2013 13:58 PM

Shelley - just saw the rest of your post...

I agree. I didn't like it either. Not when EVERY other day has been all initiated contact from him, and never short one word shit... never.

stupidstupidme posted 10/30/2013 14:00 PM


If you don't click with someone and don't want to see them again, just be honest and say so! I don't blame him for not doing it in person last night - I probably wouldn't either. But even a text would be appropriate at this point "hey is was great getting to know you, but I don't really think this is something that will work for me" or something like that... I would.

osxgirl posted 10/30/2013 14:13 PM

I debated about posting this here. Maybe it should be it's own post. I don't know.

Please don't take this as me brushing off your anxieties. I remember how nerve wracking the whole dating thing is. I hated it.

But... try not to stress out about it. The funny thing is, if you meet someone that it really works with, it... well, it just works. Even when things really do go wrong on a date. Even when the other person sees you at your worst. Even when you see the other person at his worst. You get past it.

When you don't... be glad. I know that's a lot easier to say than do, and definitely a lot easier for someone like me who is remarried and happy with my partner. But I know that at least for me, every time I tried to force things, and worried about what the other person thought all the time, and worried if he would call or not, and.... well, you know the drill.... I found that I was usually working too hard at something that was never going to work in the first place.

trumanshow posted 10/30/2013 14:48 PM

I think the "busy" is usually an excuse. Unless you're a brain surgeon with back-to-back cases you can spare a few secs to text.

I work 14 hour shifts where I don't get to eat-but at some point I do go to the BR-and have a few seconds. What gets me is that these people had "time" all these other days but all of the sudden are too "busy"


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