As I suspected, our discussion was something much greater than loud sex. As I anticipated, she asked to let out of the relationship. She told me that she didn't respect me and didn't feel she could move on from all of the damage that has occurred in the relationship. She told me that she is not in love with me and doesn't think she'll be able to change how she feels.
She also told me that as hard as this was, she wanted to keep the divorce/split as amicable as possible as we would be dealing with our children. She told me that she wanted to be happy and that she wanted me to be happy and that this was the best way.
She then began to be honest, finally, as she has not been completely honest in MC. She told me of a ONS before we were married, she told me of a ONS, from one year ago when her father died. She began to tell me of the sexual abuse she received as a child, and as a teenager from family members and non-family members. She told me of the two times she was raped as a teenager. As I love her, my heart sank and I felt her pain. She needs IC badly. So badly that I think I may see if I can get my shrink to go pro-bono with me, so I can be the patient for MC and she can then get the IC she desperately needs. She may be a sex addict, I don't know. But she is not a throwaway, and my family is not a throwaway. I believe that this can be salvaged, but she needs to love me and respect me and right now she doesn't. I asked her if there is any chance that her perspective could change - she responded "Yes, but I'm not sure if its possible. I don't know if I can get over it." I told her, this is why we need MC and you need IC. I reminded her that we've been in MC only two months. I asked her for a little more time to see what evolves. She did admit that things have gotten a little better but that ultimately, she doesn't feel she can shake her feelings. I kept on it and asked her to simply see the MC process out. I believe that this is part of the process.
I didn't not accept this resignation from the relationship. She did not believe my response. I told her that I had imagined the worst possible scenario. That she had sex with the NY Giants Football team for 2 years. The entire team...without protection. I put this in my head to get over her infidelities. I knew that other things had happened but that she wasn't ready to tell me.
She believes I deserve better person and partner. She's right, I do. I told her "I deserve a better YOU. Let's make it happen. I am not allowing you to quit on me, on this marriage and on this family without putting in your best possible effort in MC and IC. You haven't done that yet. When you do and it's obvious that this your feelings aren't going to change, then we're done. I told her that it was as if we were digging for oil and we were two feet from it and she decided to call it quits because we hadn't hit oil yet. I told her, "Quit being so selfish and looking for an easy way out. It's time to confront all of these issues and sort through them. If we don't make it out together, at least we'll make it out. But the lying, the cowardice, the bullshit, it all stops here and our new lives starts NOW."
While I'm glad that she was honest, I am not some monster like Ariel Castro from Cleveland, I will not hold her hostage. I just want her to honor her vows and work through the issues. If there is no love there, then and only then will I concede the relationship is finished.
There are a few things going on here that I think you need to consider. One is she really done with her A? The wanting to D and keep is amiable is one right out of the cheaters guide to success. Seriously, I think you need to consider if she is either back in the A, or in another A.
Her sexual abuses - funny how this comes up now that you called her out on her BS. Do you know for a fact that all that has happened? Did she ever reveal it prior to now? I see her using this as a manipulation tool, while if it did happen is a horrible thing to go through, and not discounting the damage it has caused, but I do find it interesting that she is pulling it out of her pocket right now.
I get giving her the opportunity to help herself heal, and become healthier, and stronger to save the M. I agree that she needs IC, and she needs it badly. Is she willing to do it? Is she willing to start the hard work? If not then you are just spinning your wheels. It sucks, but you cannot force her to do any of it. If she chooses to live in the Victim mentality mindset, and refuses to really do the hard work on herself then you are stuck.
I am glad that you were able to stay strong and tell her that she was being selfish and taking the easy way out. I agree she is being incredibly selfish. I just wonder what her reward if for this?
She has proven one thing to you consistently in the past few months, and that is she is a liar who lies. So move forward with caution, and strength.
I wish you all the best in this difficult situation but sometimes the harder we fight the more they pull away.
Did you know about her childhood sex abuse (CSA), or are you just now discovering it? Has she ever dealt with it or, like me (formerly), pretty much suppressed/rugswept it and figured she's perfectly fine the way she is, and doesn't need a shrink?
I was terrified to start IC and confront my demons. Because that meant I'd have to think about it (the CSA), talk about it, relive it. But after DDay--the reading I did, and the therapy, shone light on how deeply damaged I was. Looking at my sexual deviancy in the framework of CSA damage, or an addiction, helped me get on the path to healing.
Her revealing this new information gives me some hope that she's almost ready to face her demons. But it really has to be her call, like you said, you can't make her do anything.
I'm skeptical, but I know SA survivors can lie to anybody, including themselves, for self-protection. I also know some awful people lie about being raped and abused.
I'm sorry you're in this very difficult position.
Her previous A - I'm trying as hard as I can to find out if she is still in it. As far as I can tell, she is not. But I'm not at her job - for all I know that is where she takes calls and meets him. I may end up "surprising" her tomorrow or Friday for Lunch or picking her up after work, waiting to see what she does.
I do have full transparency, I have access to all email accounts and social media, as well as her cell phone, but I'm aware that she could be hiding it. Still, I'm standing firm on NOT empathizing or sympathizing in regards to her feelings for a man who could care less about my family. No tears shedded from me if he suddenly dies.
Her sexual abuses - this isn't the first time she's told me about this, but last night she went into detail about WHO abused her (two family members during her toddler years and elementary school years) and also told me about three incidents I wasn't aware about. She told me that she couldn't hold it in any longer that she was tired of feeling like she was living a constant lie about who she is and why she feels the need to be with someone else whenever she can't confront her emotions.
I don't believe she's lying about her abuses. She told me about them earlier in the relationship she just didn't tell me who did this and for how long. It's a bit shocking actually. But not surprising, her sister claims the same person abused her as well. She has surpressed and swept this under the rug for too long.
I wish both of you comfort and healing, the sooner, the better.