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Chrysalis123 posted 10/30/2013 11:09 AM

Many of you know my struggles with DD18 and her NPD father.

DD18 exhibits many signs of NPD but it is confusing because her father has actively alienated her from me and projected his hatred of me onto her. Regardless, she has behaved horribly to me on many occasions involving quite a bit of theft.

The last thefts sent me reeling because I had happily welcomed her back to my home (think prodigal son), helped her emotionally and financially and at 18 she intentionally stole from me, lied to me, blamed me and tried to play all kinds of emotionally abusive games with me.

As a consequence, I asked her to move out. That killed me as she had no where to go and landed at her NPD dad's home with his live in GF. GF has no boundaries and is selfish and is actively working to install herself as DD18's mother.

DD18 has done maybe 3% of what I asked her to do for restitution and has done none of the emotional work of trying to rebuild trust or a relationship with me. In her mind I am the villian and the bad guy.

Just received a text from NPD.

I would like that DD18 stay with you 1 weekend a month at least. Prefer it to be the same one each month. Thoughts about that?

Yeah I have thought about that. NO WAY

Guess living with the kid he so royally used to get back at me isn't turning out so well with GF. LOL

However, due to the NPD I need to tred carefully in my response.

I would appreciate any thoughts or ideas.

Thanks!

painfulpast posted 10/30/2013 11:20 AM

Hmmmm. Dealing with NPD is never fun.

Perhaps saying something like "DD18 is an adult. She will spend her weekends at home, like all adults do. We do not need to establish visitation rules for an adult." and then leave it alone.

How do you think he would react to that? You haven't made it about him or GF, but about DD18. Do you think that will work?

karmahappens posted 10/30/2013 11:54 AM

I would say

Unfortunately, until DD has made head-way with her restitution and emotional goals I am unable to open my home as a place to stay.

She is 18 though, so can't you drop dad and engage only with her? Or is she still in high school?

I would set up safe, away from home meetings with DD to keep the relationship and offer support, but I wouldn't open my home to futher invasion.

I have been here with a child stealing. He has been out of our home over a year. Unfortunately he is not trusted and until he earns it we will not allow him in our home unsupervised.

It's so hurtful and sad.

(((hugs)))

Chrysalis123 posted 10/30/2013 12:00 PM

She is a college freshman. She is very upset because while living with NPD (11th and 12th grade) he and she did nothing to secure financial aid for college and she could not go away. She is here at a community college. Of course, NPD and her blame me!

She has not contacted me once since I asked her to leave, except to ask me for money. And I discovered she had stolen something else since I asked her to leave.

So, I don't think setting up any meeting is a good idea. I realize I always have enabled her to have a soft landing and have been too quick to not hold her to consequences without remorse or full restitution.

I feel like a hard-azz but the nice approach certainly has not helped.

Thanks for the replies and support.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 12:01 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

ladies_first posted 10/30/2013 12:07 PM

“After DD18 makes restitution for theft, I will reconsider. Until she and I mend our relationship, my heart remains open to her while my home remains off limits.”

Dunno. My heart hurts just thinking about it.

(((Chrysalis123)))

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