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Newest Member: DJC1978 (60705)

User Topic: Husband is a SA.
♀ 41167
Member # 41167
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im new here. This will be long, but this is actually the short version, as there's so much more I could type. My husband and I have been together just over 2 years. We moved fast. We met, and within 2 weeks he moved in with me. I felt something special with him, like we were meant to be. The cheating started just 2 months into our relationship, a PA. He left me 3 months into our relationship to be with her, only to come back 3 days later. Thought things were good. A few days after Christmas I was at work and he didn't pick me up after. I tried calling and texting with no response. Called my mom at 11pm to come pick me up. I ended up having to stay at her house because he had the keys (I'd left mine at home thinking he was picking me up) and my door was locked. Came home next day with the excuse he went to a friends house and fell asleep. I knew it was a lie, but let it go since I had no proof.

February 13th, 6 months into our relationship, he leaves again, and Im actually totally blindsided. He came back 1 week later. Following behind was crazy chick. He had left for a different girl this time, though he says he didn't want to, but she was stalking him and he felt he had no choice. She definetly was crazy with a capital C. He ended up arrested on false charges from her and spent 2 weeks in jail. During this time, he had me go through his email to get emails that she had written. I also saw that the night he left me at work, he had been with the first girl. There were also multiple emails to and from other women. I got his charges dropped with proof I had that Crazy was lying, and he swore he would never cheat again.

He did. Many, many more times, though not physical (that he swears to and that I know of). Texting other women, Craigslist ads, social network messaging begging for sex, etc.

We had a baby towards the end of 2012. On January 16,2013, I woke up and was feeding the baby when I decided to check his phone (which wasn't connected as a phone, he used it for internet only). Found out he was on a social network pming multiple women begging them for sex. He had a secret email that all this went to, and in that email was also replies to cl ads and emails to women. I told him to leave. He begged me not to, swore he wouldn't do it again. Deleted the email address and the profile on the social site.

Things were good for 6 months. We got married in April. He started a new job in June. A job with mostly men, and 4 women. Well, he started some sort of relationship with one of the girls there. He swears it wasn't physical. When I saw they were calling and texting each other, he deleted her number and that was that. He then ended up giving his number to another woman who asked him for his number. So that went on for a week or so till I found out. He ended that one too, deleted her number, and as far as I know, there's been no contact. We decided to do MC. In August, on the day of our first session, he called and started calling me controlling, starting fights, etc. I knew something was up, but didn't know what. Then he calls to tell me he's leaving. He will pack up when he gets home. Im devastated. Turns out, he ended up calling again, told me that the girl from work who no longer works there, offered him to live with her. She would take care of him, he could do whatever he wants, she will treat him better than I do, etc. He said he didn't want to but didn't know what to do. I tell him we will work it out and go to our scheduled counseling session that evening.

I thought we had been doing alright. We will eventually be doing IC, with his being for SA. I found out Monday that Friday, he had taken another phone we have for emergencies and had let a friend use, to work. He ended up calling a random number in the phone that friend had dialed. It was a girl who just started talking sexually to him. And then the texts. He planned on meeting her after work, and later told me he actually drove past the exit to home, but got off the next one and turned around. He doesn't know how to say no. When sex is offered to him and is put out there for him, he says he knows he doesn't want to, because he loves me, but doesn't know how to stop. I have told him multiple times, just tell me when you mess up. It's a process and we can work through it if your honest. When I saw the texts, he still lied, even though it was all him.

We have a counseling session tonight, and Im a mess. Im angry, hurt, and all kinds of crazy emotions. I don't know where to go from here, besides counseling. I know recovery is a long process that is 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I don't feel our MC is his recovery. He needs his own therapy and our counselor is stalling on that a bit for some reason.

I just am looking for support and any words of encouragement as I work through all this. I can't talk to anyone in real life.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want support for reconciling with him, go to the Spouse of Sex Addicts forum in the "I Can Relate" section of this place. If you want support for separating/divorcing him, to to the "Separation/Divorce" section of this place.

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I tried for 16 years to make my marriage work to an abusive sex addict. Ultimately it was a failure. It was doomed from the beginning. You cannot make a relationship work with someone who is utterly broken.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 38597
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Sorry you're here. We also found that MC wasn't going to help in the beginning. right now it's about your H getting his addiction under control and you starting your own healing.

If you want to, there is a terrific thread in the I Can Relate forum for spouses of SAs. It is full of wonderful people who understand where you are right now.

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."

Posts: 967 | Registered: Mar 2013
♂ 34766
Member # 34766
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


So sorry you find yourself here. I wish I had some experience with SA so I could offer some advice.

I read your story and it is heartbreaking. There are others on this board that have dealt with SA and I am sure they will be along shortly to help out. There is also a SA thread in the "I can relate" forum.

You have been through a lot of Trauma in a very short period of time, take care of yourself first and foremost.

If there is reincarnation I hope OM comes back as a low water flush truck stop toilet!

Posts: 311 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Tx
♀ 38597
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl, I think we were posting at the same time. I am undecided and find both forums to be helpful. :)

DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"It is an act of self-respect and preservation to not forgive."

Posts: 967 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is SA. We are reconciling. However, the biggest difference is, my husband hit bottom and chose recovery. Clearly, your husband is not there yet.

You can't make him choose recovery, he has to. He also has to stop making excuses, and realize he puts himself into these situations. He can stop, he chooses not to.

You haven't been together very long at all, and he's been repeatedly cheating since you got together. I would hesitate to continue the relationship, seriously.

If he were serious about getting help, he would be going to 12 step SA meetings, seeing a CSAT, reading as much as he can. Instead, he's looking for more ways to act out and running away from fixing this.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 41167
Member # 41167
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went to counseling last night. It went well. She gave him information to a local SAanon group. I will start IC with her next week. We will alternate between my IC and our MC weekly. Seems like a step in the right direction, at least for me. She told me I need to decide when enough is enough. We are at the point in our relationship where the rubber hits the road. I want to stand by him and help him. I want to be a family with him. But I'll admit, I've reached my limit plus some. Im also dealing with his attitude and verbal abuse, which got worse when he started Chantix last week (he realized it and stopped it Tuesday). I love him alot and if he's really going to do the work to fix himself, then I will do my part. But anymore infidelity and lies (I hate being lied to, especially when I have proof right in front of my face), I just don't know.

He had a bad childhood and our therapist thinks alot of that contributes to his SA. Im just hoping he puts in the work and really tries.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 32984
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im really sorry you are here. This post makes me so sad. Not because of what your husband is doing, though its completely shitty, but because you dont seem to realize that you are worth SO much more than being treated this way.

After only 2 months he left you for another woman.
Soon after, left you stranded at work.

~To me, this would probably be a dealbreaker right there. That soon into a relationship and he already shows no respect or trustworthiness.~

He has NEVER been faithful to you, it sounds like.
Cheated, AND left you numerous times, even after having a child together.
Controlling, starting fights- possibly abusive
Supposedly he cannot say no, and cannot stop having sex with other people. Hear what he is telling you.

You dont deserve someone treating you as disposable right from the beginning. Please protect yourself from getting pregnant or StD. I hope you can see that you are worth more than this.

ETA: you are under no obligation to stay and "help" him. Im just letting you know, you dont have to feel guilty one bit if you decide not to stay. Protect yourself and your little one(s).

[This message edited by DrivingPast at 8:59 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 32984
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After rereading your post, I am somewhat more alarmed. I would bet that he is lying to you big time because a couple of the stories sound way off.

1. A girl he previously worked with, and supposedly never slept with, and supposedly was not still in contact with - just up and invites him to live with her?!?! and "treat him better than you do"? and "do what he wants"- does that mean she is cool with his whoring around? Either they have obviously had a relationship of some sort all this time, or hes a scum for trying to make you feel bad about yourself (theres this woman who will XYZ if you wont).

2. He let a friend use a phone. But then, he had it with him, hidden at work. Then he calls a "random number" and the woman just so happens to immediately speak dirty to him.
How does this sound?
Then he planned to meet her but suddenly got a conscience and turned around.
If any bit of that is true in any way, that 'woman' is clearly a prostitute.

3. He tells you he cant resist sex when its offered to him (poor little victim). Yet, he is answering ads and begging. That doesnt sound like women are all in his face offering him sex all the time, does it? He is constantly pursuing sex with other women. (then claiming to turn it down. ahem. riiiight.)

Hon, please read over your post. Sometimes living in it becomes normal to us, but when we see it, written out, we can be more objective and see how it really is.

married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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