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Mourning or Detoxing

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AdamsApple posted 10/30/2013 12:35 PM

Many books and folks on SI have said that a WS should be allowed to mourn loss of their AP, and that they need time to grieve. That always rubbed me the wrong way. Mourning and grieving seems to connote that something valuable or important has been lost. And, for instance; when a person close to you dies, your mourning may subside, but it never completely goes away. So this leads me to infer that when a WS mourns, they may mourn over this indefinitely, and may never get over it. This is not comforting to a BS that wants to feel safe again.


I saw one person on SI describe those feelings as detoxing from their AP. That description makes me, as a BS, feel better and may actually be more accurate. We don't say a Heroin addict is mourning the loss of Heroin (although they probably could), we say they are detoxing.


Since most WSs say, "it could have been anyone," it seems the loss isn't really about the other person. So, the detox metaphor seems more apt and less hurtful to the BS and still allows the WS permission to feel what they need to feel. Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Ambergray posted 10/30/2013 12:41 PM

Could not agree more! Mourning implies love, detoxing is all about ridding yourself of poison in your life.

rachelc posted 10/30/2013 12:44 PM

I agree too. They aren't missing the AP. They are missing the feeling they got when with them, that had all to do with themselves...

bionicgal posted 10/30/2013 13:19 PM

Agree. And it seems to bear out...my H definitely detoxed for a while, but unlike real mourning, he sees the situation for what it was now. So, there is no sadness except for the harm he caused, from what he has told me.

sinsof thefather posted 10/30/2013 13:42 PM

Could not agree more! Mourning implies love, detoxing is all about ridding yourself of poison in your life.

Word.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/30/2013 15:12 PM

Amen to that.
I mourned the loss of the marriage I thought I had. That was like mourning someone's death.
My WH is detoxing (has detoxed?) from a poison that had invaded his soul. He is purging himself of his horrible state of mind during the A. He is only holding on to them enough so that he doesn't find that slippery slope again. I do believe he does not miss HER- if anything he misses the sense of escape that time with her provided.
We are working together to build a life that he doesn't feel he needs to escape from. That neither of us will feel the need to escape from.

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/30/2013 15:29 PM

We are working together to build a life that he doesn't feel he needs to escape from. That neither of us will feel the need to escape from.

Beautiful.

No matter what you call it, standing by your spouse while s/he detoxes from an AP has got to be a special kind of hell.

AdamsApple posted 10/30/2013 17:35 PM

I'm comforted to see that many agree with my assessment. I think that the metaphor one uses can have a lot to do with how they deal with a situation. And I believe the "Mourning" metaphor can inhibit healing and R by exaggerating the value of the AP to both the WS and the BS.

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