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Triggering about monogomy

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Kelany posted 10/30/2013 14:44 PM

So...yeah, I'm surprised, but I'm triggering a bit over the JFO post about monogamy.

Across the board when our spouse cheats on us, they made a choice to no longer be monogamous against our consent, I'm pretty sure you would all agree. Hell, my husband did it multiple times.

I remember asking him a. If he could be monogamous and b. If he wanted to. He said yes to both.

Now, we are firmly in R. But every so often something triggers me. Last Feb we were flying home from my father's funeral. I had talked to my sister in a joking way about the one time I smoked pot like 15+ years ago with an ex and how sex seemed to last forever. Not that it was good, just lasted long because I was high. It triggered my husband. Talking about an ex. He thought I was saying I missed being single, blah blah. I don't, I didn't. But it made him cry later on, him thinking about me being with someone else. Just the thought.

How is that fair? He goes and has affairs for 5 years and never considers what it would do to me. He threw monogamy down the toilet. Yet just the thought of me pining for an ex (I wasn't) brings him to tears.

I asked him today, did he ever think of asking me yo have an open marriage so at least I could live by the same standards as him? I wouldn't have, I was just thinking out loud. He says no, never.

So basically it was okay for him to cheat repeatedly, but he couldn't even handle the thought of me with someone else.

How is that fair???

I'm ranting, I know. Its just a trigger. I have zero desire to cheat or be in an open marriage. This is only about his minset, that's it.

bionicgal posted 10/30/2013 14:50 PM

For some reason I think this applicable. .

Affairs are not about sex, or love. They are about escape. The problem is, most people can't see that when they are walking into them because there are so many emotions and hormones flying. But, they are getting high, and they usually get hooked before they know what is going on.

When your husband thinks about you having an affair, it hurts because he feels what it feels like to be the BS. So, that is a good thing. I'd be more worried if he didn't care!

Blameitontherain posted 10/30/2013 14:53 PM

The good old double standard. My WH has this too.

When things were very heated I asked, so it would be ok for me to go have sex with someone else if I thought you'd never find out and it would hurt no one? (His logic for why he had his a). It would be ok for me to make comments about sexy men on fb for all to see about which one I want? It would be ok for me to flirt with men at a bar just to see if I could? All his answers were no. But yet he did the same stuff to me. He had one standard for me but held himself at a much lower one. It is frustrating as all get out.

Undone1 posted 10/30/2013 15:12 PM

I have asked the same question over and over, as although I didn't want a monogam'ish marriage, I would have preferred that to lying and cheating.

My fWH has been clear that he could not tolerate my having sex with another person or an A. Double standard of course, and he admits that too.

Kelany posted 10/30/2013 15:18 PM

I don't get it. I know I never will, I'm not broken like him. I know he couldn't handle all that I have.

I just Gah, I don't know. Sometimes I wish he could have had a fraction of understanding before he dove dick deep between someone else's legs.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda. The unfairness of it all. He got 5 years to play around while I was the dutiful wife and mother, and he gets to reap the benefits of a better marriage now.

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