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LonelySilhouette posted 10/30/2013 15:01 PM

I imagine this has been asked before so I apologize if it's repetitive.

If your WS agreed to a poly, how many questions were you able to ask? I understand that a typical poly covers 8-10 questions.

What were the questions?

As a BS, was it helpful to you? Are you glad the WS did it?

somanyyears posted 10/30/2013 15:37 PM

.. I only wish i had asked for a poly 25 years ago and got to the truth back then.

..instead, i accepted what she told me, but in 2009, after a vivid dream where the bf om said to me that I didn't know the whole truth, did my WW reveal the whole truth..

.. that it wasn't just 2 years of giving bj's but instead, it was really 18 years , including a whole year of them while she was my gf, then more over 15 years of marriage..

..so, hell ya, wish i'd have asked for the poly way back then!!!

as for what questions to ask.. i'd have wanted hundreds, since their betrayal had lasted for almost the entire friendship..

..hope you can get ALL the TRUTH, the first time..

keep well

smy

OldCow18 posted 10/30/2013 15:47 PM

At the moment I am deciding if we should move on to R. One of the conditions for that will be a polygraph. I researched it and got some info from the guy. I believe I can ask 5 questions, he will ask more to establish WH's responses when telling the truth. I will not bother with the poly if I don't choose to R, but I have been thinking of some questions. I haven't fine tuned them...the guy said he would help formulate the questions to make sure they cover all bases. Basically at this point I want the truth about the following:

1. Did the affair continue in any way shape or form after 6.8.13
2. Were there any affairs/inappropriate behavior prior to OW.
3. Does OW's BH know the full extent of what happened?
4. Was your full disclosure 100% truthful.

That's all I have right now.

I'll be watching this thread for other ideas.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 3:48 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

LonelySilhouette posted 10/30/2013 16:01 PM

OldCow18, personally, I wouldn't waste a question on asking about the OW's BH. Does that really matter to you?

When questions are limited, I think we really have to nail them with what is vitally important.

OldCow18 posted 10/30/2013 16:06 PM

It matters to me because he has maintained the same story for 5 months and I don't believe him. I fear that the story I've been told has been concocted between the 2 of them to keep me from contacting him (long story). So, for me, if it's not true I would feel even more betrayed at the continued lie/protection of her/etc., if that is even possible.

heartache101 posted 10/30/2013 16:11 PM

I believe any question is approriate.
You ask what you need to know.
Good luck.
Let us know the outcome.

LonelySilhouette posted 10/30/2013 17:01 PM

I hate that some questions which are kind of the same have to be asked a little differently such as

Did you have a cell phone that your wife didn't know about?

and

Do you have a cell phone that your wife doesn't know about?

Same-ish question but it needs two questions to get to the truth.

I was going to ask

Have you ever allowed any women into your truck for the purpose of sexual intercourse?

and

Have you ever allowed any women into your truck for the purpose of oral sex?

But I guess I could blend that one into a single question by changing it to

Have you ever allowed any women into your truck for the purpose of sexual activity?

[This message edited by LonelySilhouette at 5:04 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

sodamnlost posted 10/30/2013 17:12 PM

I think I was allowed 5 questions. I asked something along the lines of these (the wording was specific since the answers have to be yes/no but you get the idea)

-any AP's I don't know of
-any additional sexual encounters I don't know about with OW
-any looking online for another AP since Dday
-any contact with OW since Dday

My WH passed - it said he was telling the truth on every question. He actually lied. Several months after the poly he admitted to me about a ONS with a different AP.

LonelySilhouette posted 11/19/2013 08:56 AM

I realize I posted this a few weeks ago. Kind of surprised at the lack of response since so many jump to the recommendation of a polygraph very quickly.

My WH agreed to one. I was grateful but not entirely sure we'll proceed.

I mentioned it in therapy. She seemed kind of surprised. Then my WH said that although he's agreeable to it, he worries it will never end. He says ok, I get the polygraph and that's not good enough, she'll find someone to administer truth serum and that won't be good enough, she'll be looking for someone to shove bamboo shoots under my nails and then maybe some water torture, etc. All good suggestions - thanks WH. ;-)

Maybe it won't be good enough. Maybe nothing is. Maybe there does just come a time when one has to decide to accept what has been given or not.

OldCow18 posted 11/19/2013 09:10 AM

Maybe it won't be good enough. Maybe nothing is. Maybe there does just come a time when one has to decide to accept what has been given or not.

This.

I am still on the fence about the polygraph. First of all, I don't want to shell out $400 if I don't plan to stay in this marriage. But then, if I DO decide to stay in this marriage, and then he fails, I have to get out of the marriage...and I'll be honest, I don't have much faith that he would pass...so then why stay? So then I think if he DOES pass we can move forward, but again, what if he fails. Vicious cycle of thoughts. And like you said, even if he does pass, would that even be good enough or would I convince myself that pathological liars can pass polygraphs. It's all so complicated.

Raven96 posted 11/19/2013 09:17 AM

I'm still deciding whether or not to do it. I talked to my C about it last week, and she said kind of the same thing...will it be enough? If he passes, I will think he got lucky. If he fails...what will I do? Is it a deal breaker? Does it change things from right now?

Sometimes I, too, think we just have to take everything at face value, which SUCKS!!!!

TennisTC posted 11/19/2013 10:07 AM

Lonely, I was keeping a close eye on this post because I too have the same question. At first after DDay, my H's story just wasn't adding up. Three months later after beginning IC he admitted that he did kiss the OW. Over the next six months, I interrogated my H relentlessly about any details that were not adding up. I know that's not exactly how you're supposed to do it, but my H isn't a great liar - not for lack of practice during the A, so if I repeatedly hammered away he would inevitably slip up if he was lying.

I think most people would think if my H admitted to a kiss, then there was probably a lot more that went on. I definitely thought that at one time, and every once and awhile there is the thought in the back of my head wondering if I'm being an idiot. After he admitted the kiss I told him that I wanted a polygraph and he agreed without hesitation. When I brought up the fact that it pissed me off that funds from our joint account would be used, he offered to sell some of his workout equipment or golf clubs. I kind of dropped the subject for a few months, but anytime I waiver on if I have the full truth he says that he is willing and ready to do the polygraph so I can have the peace of mind. He's even researched the providers in our area, and gave me a list of names and numbers.

In my gut I feel like I have the truth. And when I really listen to it, I have found that I am pretty accurate in telling whether or not he is lying or obfuscating the truth. So based on that I think the polygraph is unnecessary. But then reading what others hear to say about regretting not doing it, makes me wonder if I should just go ahead and do the test anyway???