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Realization... It is worth it.

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TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/30/2013 15:04 PM

So things are still moving along well. Some of you may remember my last post - it was a very long vent filled with righteous rage. We got through it and have had a great week. On my way to work this morning something happened... Something just clicked. I have copies the text I sent to him because its just easier than typing it out again. Here you go...

Hi baby- just got to work. This may be a long text and it is going to start out weird, but trust me... It's a good text. Just bear with me. On my way to work, I saw a girl that reminded me of what I think Kristen looks like- I've only seen a couple of pics, so I am not sure. It wasn't her- but sometimes my brain just goes there. Anyway- I see this girl and my mind starts wandering. What would I say to her if I saw her? My little imaginary coversation begins and it's good because in my head, I was calm and not wanting to yank out her esophagus through her nostrils with my bare hands ( as is often the case).
Anyway- a week or so ago, at soccer- one of the ones with the conversational landmines we accidentally stepped on- you had asked "does none of it count? All of those years- is it all ruined because of this?" Or something similar. Do you know what I realized in my imaginary conversation with her?
My brain actually clicked with my heart in a very good way.
Our time together had not been ruined. Those fifteen years do count. So very much. for certain today I can say- that Those fifteen years do count. So very much. for certain today I can say- that month or so this summer could not possibly erase ALL that we have. There's no way. We are too good- too strong- too real and very much in love.
I love you so much. I am so happy right now. We have a one in a million love- and I believe in us.

End text.
His response was very grateful an heartfelt. He let me know that this is one of his biggest fears. I know that we have more to do- but I know that it is worth it.


So that was it. It clicked. We still have work to do. But for today- I am at peace. We are moving forward and it clicked.
Of course next week may be a different story- but I believe in sharing the positive stuff as well. Thank you for being here my friends.

topperoff22 posted 10/30/2013 15:43 PM

I wish I could say all that so close to dday. I just find myself often feeling sick and like this is all a nightmare. I agree we have a long history behind us and that helps things but ... dang...I can't seem to get past what he's done to "us" and question what all this means for the future.

Your post sure is encouraging though. I hope I can get there.

RipsInMyChest posted 10/30/2013 15:55 PM

I love this post...beautiful. Some days I get there myself. Those days I hold on tight to that perspective. Unfortunately for me, I have trouble maintaining my positive thought pattern. I hope with time and repetition, I will make it a permanent perspective.

OldCow18 posted 10/30/2013 16:02 PM

I read your post and was inspired, that I too could feel what you feel and say what you said to WH some day after long hard work. Then I saw that your d-day is a month + AFTER mine. Wow. I'm still in the mind set that all our 15 years together was a farce. How did you get to such a loving place so quickly?

OldCow18 posted 10/30/2013 16:04 PM

Some days I get there myself. Those days I hold on tight to that perspective. Unfortunately for me, I have trouble maintaining my positive thought pattern. I hope with time and repetition, I will make it a permanent perspective.

This I can relate to, although I don't ever have full days that I feel this way, I do have moments.

neverdidithink posted 10/30/2013 16:28 PM

(((twinnie))) I'm so very happy for you. Keep working it and keep believing.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/30/2013 16:42 PM

Thank you guys so much for your support.
I know that we still have a long way to go- but I truly feel that each day he makes so much effort and we have really been talking. It's not all easy and ... Trust me... A few days from now I may make an epic rant. One thing I have learned is that I will crash.
But when I have a feeling as good as the one today- I want to share it.
Sometimes I feel like I'm fooling myself into thinking positively- but everyday is a new day and everyday he reaches out to me is another drop in my bucket.
Who knows? TT and another Dday may be coming, but for right now- I feel pretty good.
I would not be here if weren't for all of you.

LA44 posted 10/30/2013 16:55 PM

Hey Wt, really good to read. I agree too re: the years meaning something. My H's A was two years long and I do not believe it means our years pre-A are null and void. Why would they be?

And the A years? Absolutely something to learn from. I wrote long ago on SI that growth will come from this experience.

I too was feeling like you at three months - we might have a rough week but then I could grab myself back into the present. Obsessing about the past and wondering what it all means going forward - just can't do that anymore. I have to be here. In the present.

So, keep talking, keep sharing. When you feel angry, try to talk before it gets to rage.

Best wishes!
LA

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/30/2013 18:58 PM

LA - thank you so much. It makes me feel good to hear that it can really be better. Sometimes I think I am being too optimistic. But I will take all the positive I can get. It feels good to feel good for a change. :)

OldCow18 posted 10/30/2013 20:11 PM

One thing I have learned is that I will crash.

I so get this! I don't know if I should embrace the good feelings or be wary of the fall out after. This is so hard, and I SERIOUSLY commend you for being positive. I need to appreciate the good moments more.

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