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Any regrets if you didn't reconcile?

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nomadlady posted 10/30/2013 16:37 PM

It's been two months since DDay.

WH came and confessed to me. He is remorseful. He answers all my questions. He never wanted to break up the marriage. He has NC with OW. He wants to do what it takes to heal us, however long it takes.

In theory, this should be an ideal situation for R, right? I love him so much. The problem is I don't think I can do R. It's not that I hate him. I think even if we divorced I would like to remain friends with him.

I know I don't have to decide anything now...lots of people have given me that advice. But I hate this place called limbo.

Those of you that had a choice and decided you didn't want to R, do you have any regrets? How long did it take you to come to a decision?

[This message edited by nomadlady at 5:21 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

LifeIsBroken posted 10/30/2013 17:12 PM

I regret that he was willing to lose the best thing that ever happened to him, the one constant in his life; I regret that he also lost his two daughters who, like me, value lots of attributes but, especially, two things: 1. Trust, and 2. Respect. I knew I could never really trust him again but when the TT continued, the lies continued, the A continued, all respect goes out the door. I loved him for 35 years - but I no longer liked him. And I wasn't willing to give up 'me' and my values in order to stay with him and make him 'happy.' Silly me; I thought we were happy, that we had a solid marriage and family, that life was good.... all things we verbally agreed about often. I guess, after all, he was just a very good actor.

Chrysalis123 posted 10/30/2013 17:33 PM

I don't regret it at all. It took me a little over a year after DD to have enough and I filed for divorce.

LadyQ posted 10/30/2013 17:48 PM

No regrets. But mine wasn't remorseful. And any interactions we have lately only serve to reinforce my decision to cut him loose.

Kierst13 posted 10/30/2013 17:53 PM

Not one. I feel free; not that I do not have my bad days, but once I kicked him out, I realized how toxic he had been to my life.

GabyBaby posted 10/30/2013 18:11 PM

I regret I didn't boot him out sooner- but my XWH was an unremorseful, serial cheater.

(Edited for clarification)

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 6:20 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Deanna posted 10/30/2013 18:13 PM

Please google this:
Most people who divorce because of infidelity regret that decision to divorce. (this is not just the person who had the affair)
When I was deciding whether to reconcile with my husband or not I read a woman's profile who said how sorry she was that she divorced her husband over the affair. That her husband was a decent man that made a really bad decision.
So, before you make that decision just be sure you are not being hasty. I am actually so happy I chose reconcilliation!

[This message edited by Deanna at 6:14 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Bigger posted 10/30/2013 18:26 PM

I never regretted my decision not to reconcile.


One sentence you wrote stuck out to me:

I think even if we divorced I would like to remain friends with him.

This is the exception – not the rule. Divorce is the process of minimizing interaction between the two people. Basically it ends up in as good an agreement as possible regarding the children. If you two are mature and lucky then you might even chat and catch up for a few minutes but you won’t visit, spend holidays together and go shopping for furniture.
Don’t believe me? Well – look around at your divorced friends.

surviving1963 posted 10/30/2013 19:17 PM

Although I am very sad....I don't regret filing for D. Our MC put it to me this way, "How much longer do you want to keep drinking poison. Your relationship with this unremorseful man is toxic."

Sometimes it's just good to be reminded that you made the right choice.

solus sto posted 10/30/2013 19:19 PM

Yes. I regret not separating much sooner.

phmh posted 10/30/2013 19:35 PM

My XWH really wanted to reconcile, or so he said. However, by that time I realized how much better life was without him in it! (He also refused to sign a post-nup that would only come into play if he cheated again that would make me whole for the job I'd be leaving to follow him to another city, saying it was punitive. So, not sure how serious he was about R.)

I'm coming up on 2 years since D-Day -- about a year and a half divorced, and life just keeps getting better and better.

My only regret is that the 20 year old me was taken in by his mask of normalcy and that I wasted so much money on that parasite, but I guess it made me the person I am today.

I know he regrets the divorce, but he made his bed.

I've done a ton of reading (that's how I heal), and there's a book called "The Optimism Bias" that details a ton of scientific studies (I'm going to butcher this, but the sentiment is accurate) where the brain believes that the decision you made is the best one. For the most part, those who choose to R are going to argue that it was the right decision, and those who choose to D will argue that was the best decision.

There are also happiness studies out there where a year after losing a limb to amputation or a year after winning the lottery, people are back to their base line happiness level.

I know that a year after D-Day, I was actually happier than I'd been in recent memory, but I suspect that if I'd chosen to R, I'd have thought that I was happy as well.

Basically, there's no one size fits all answer. Listen to your gut. I'd recommend some IC to help you more clearly see the situation.


reclaimingmyself posted 10/30/2013 19:40 PM

Most people who divorce because of infidelity regret that decision to divorce.
I don't regret it. Like LifeIsBroken, I could not imagine a marriage with a man I did not trust or respect. I am so very happy that I no longer have to constantly be checking and verifying and wondering if he is doing it again.

It hasn't been easy but I think it was the right decision for me and my children.

roarlouder posted 10/30/2013 19:45 PM

I feel the same nomadlady. I am about 2 months as well. I hate limbo and just want to know whether I am wasting more of my life.

I keep telling myself whether Ieave or stay, I want to be confident in my choice and not have any second guessing...that's what is keeping me somewhat sane during this limbo.

Nature_Girl posted 10/30/2013 19:51 PM

I'm sad for my kids. I'm super pissed and haven't yet accepted that my entire life has to be rebooted from scratch.

But no way in the world I could have stayed married to him and survived. Reconciliation was not a possibility.

Merlin posted 10/30/2013 20:04 PM

I would have given everything to reconcile, even if it failed.

But there was no one to reconcile with.

Chrysalis123 posted 10/30/2013 21:23 PM

I regret I didn't boot him out sooner

This!!! I forgot about that part. It took a lot of therapy for me to forgive myself for putting up with the abuse for so long.

Alana89 posted 10/30/2013 21:36 PM

Not at all. I knew that a life of 'trust but verify' was not for me.

dindy posted 10/31/2013 05:32 AM

I so much wanted to R but he didn't. That was the hardest thing,: discovering that the person I thought was my soulmate no longer have a shit about me or our family.

I think he has buried everything in the sand and is now moving on. I think it is quite scary that the person I thought I knew was never real. There is absolutely no depth to him, or anyone who thinks that they can take someone's love and destroy their soul.

We have been separated 8 months and sometimes I really miss him, or what I thought we had and our future together. And because of this sometimes I still wish he would have the guys to come crawling back in his knees and beg for forgiveness.

But then I remind myself that he isn't strong, only broken. He never wanted to fight for us and is happy living in unicorn land, waiting for the love of his life to come back to him.

I guess he'll be waiting a long time....

devasted30 posted 10/31/2013 05:58 AM

I think we now need to ask if there are any people here that are happy that they stayed together. It is a two-way street. We need to get answers from both sides. BS who went through this over 3 or 4 years ago - longer as well.
Let's hear from both sides.
I don't know about you nomadlady, but I'm still reeling and it's been a year for me. But, there is no decision made yet because I need more time to heal myself before I decide to throw in the towel or continue reconciling. Not an easy decision at the best of time, but when the hurt is still so new - no, way too soon to make a life-altering decision.

Blobette posted 10/31/2013 08:00 AM

R only works if BOTH people really want it. Because it is NOT easy. (Nor is divorcing.) In most cases on SI, it's the cheater who doesn't really want it -- I mean REALLY want it enough to go through all of the crap they need to go through in order to truly R. That means IC, that means giving up some of the freedoms they are used to, that means working on the M to become more initimate, that means changing their lives. Similarly, the BS goes through a lot to R, too.

As someone who decided to R and is 90% sure I'm doing the right thing, I would urge you to wait a bit to see how your feelings settle down. It's a cliche on here to say "wait 6 months", but I do think it's a good rule of thumb. And I also do feel that we have a duty, as people who promised to stick with someone else through thick and thin, to at least TRY to R. (Although in some cases I admit that's an absurd rule.) For the kids, if nothing else.

If at the end of 6 months or so you still feel this way (and I would do MC during this time), then there's nothing for it. It's gone and nothing he can do will bring it back. But at least you've given it the old college try and can feel good that you did what you could to save it.

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