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I shoulda listened to you all....

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Smileemptysoul posted 10/30/2013 17:35 PM

Three months after dday and a lot of counseling later,things were looking up. I was starting to feel better about myself in regards to finding some answers to explain why I did what I did. Even though there were ups and downs, my BS and I were making progress. Until today...

An anonymous letter was sent to our home and my wife at work, telling of crap that I had done, that I didn't come clean about. I know, I know!!! FULL DISCLOSURE!!! Why in the hell didn't I listen to everybody on here three months ago? That was/is the most common advice that successful relationship rebuilders can offer, yet I was too stupid and selfish to completely come clean when I had the chance. Now all of the progress of the past three months has been flushed, the scabs ripped off and I honestly don't think that there is much hope for a future together any more.

We have MC tonight, so I know that my therapist is rightfully going to chew me out. I've hurt my wife so badly and it was all because I didn't want to hurt her more. Does that make any sense? I was fearful that if I told her everything, that she'd for surely leave me. That's why I held protect myself and the relationship. But I see now that I should have spilled everything when given the chance, as the hurt, pain and anger that she is now feeling is going to be something that I don't think that I'm ever going to be able to fix.

If anybody has been in similar shoes and can offer some advice, I'd appreciate all responses.


authenticnow posted 10/30/2013 17:53 PM

We have MC tonight, so I know that my therapist is rightfully going to chew me out. I've hurt my wife so badly and it was all because I didn't want to hurt her more. Does that make any sense? I was fearful that if I told her everything, that she'd for surely leave me. That's why I held protect myself and the relationship. But I see now that I should have spilled everything when given the chance, as the hurt, pain and anger that she is now feeling is going to be something that I don't think that I'm ever going to be able to fix.

Yep. I get it .

I remember the car ride to MC after I gave my 3rd TT. Scared to face her, scared to deal with the rash of shit that I knew I was going to face. But, although it doesn't feel like it right at this moment---what a relief! I was so grateful (along with all the other emotions) to finally have it all out.

I understand where you're coming from. This is going to be an uphill battle. Make sure from this point forward that it is ALL absolutely out. Every little thing that you omitted for your wife's 'benefit', just tell her.

Complete honesty and transparency, consistently from now on, is key.

I took a polygraph. My BH wanted me to and I wanted to do anything to let him know that he had the full truth.

Good luck in MC. Keep posting.

Smileemptysoul posted 10/30/2013 18:01 PM

Thanks Authentic.

I know that I'm not alone in this...from reading on here, I know that it seems to be that most of us WS TT in one way or another. I figured that if I told her some of it, but not all...that it would be enough. In the end though, I was doing it to save my own skin and to spare her any more heartache and pain. I was afraid that the more that she knew, the less likely that she would stay and want to work on things. Well, that ended pretty shitty for us, didn't it?

The bummer is, is that we were making progress. Both of us. Together. And I was individually as well. Even though I did omit things the past three months, for the first time in a really long time, I was feeling good about myself and my wife. That I was really making progress and was WANTING to change and be a better person, in so many ways. I fell like it's all for nothing now....

authenticnow posted 10/30/2013 18:07 PM

Again, I know exactly how you feel.

It is not all for nothing. Your wife is going to MC with you so it looks like it isn't a dealbreaker. But, you can't be in this trying to control the outcome (like you did by TTing). You have to go into it with your healing and emotional health and rebuilding your integrity in mind. With that, the rest falls into place.

My BH and I are reconciled. Miraculously, he was willing to give me another chance. I learned, I grew, and he stuck by me. We have grown together as a couple. It can happen, but you have to be patient. One step at a time. Now that the lies are over, real healing can begin.

Smileemptysoul posted 10/30/2013 18:33 PM

By withholding information and carrying on my affairs, I have totally taken her rights and ability to make decisions out of the equation. And that is disrespectful in so many ways, as well hurtful and unfair.

I just feel that now that we're back to square fact, probably into the negative numbers now...that the damage done now is going to irreparable. I have nobody...absolutely NOBODY to blame but myself for this mess and was too wrapped up in all of my selfish bullshit to realize that something like this could actually happen while I was carrying on my affairs. It's funny how the repercussions and consequences never came into my thoughts while it was all going on. Why couldn't I think about her and our wonderful life together and not the quick but empty gratification? Now that everything that I want and love is slipping through my fingertips, I've never wanted it all so badly!

dumbchick posted 10/30/2013 21:37 PM

I am new to this- DDay was two days ago. I am willing to answer any questions he has and don't want to TT. Some suggested a timeline and putting in all the details. What if he just doesn't want to know? What if knowing some of the details (such as sexual details) only serve to hurt not heal? Should I just let him ask the questions or just flood him with the details without him asking? Sorry to high jack this thread.. I just want to apply it to my own situation too.

authenticnow posted 10/30/2013 21:42 PM

Hi dumbchick,

Telling all doesn't have to mean the sexual details. Things like how many OPs, how long the A was, did you use protection, etc.

Each BS is different in what they need to know, but overall they all want the truth about the facts of the As.

Many WSs minimize, they say the A didn't last as long, or the OP initiated it, or they wore a condom, etc.

Find out how much detail your BH needs and go from there. Bottom line is don't leave something out if you think it will hurt his feelings, to 'protect' him, because really you're just trying to protect yourself.

dumbchick posted 10/30/2013 22:07 PM

Phew okay. I have been honest about how long it lasted and there was only one OM. We honestly did use condoms but BS hasn't even asked about that even though he wants me to get an STD test. I will comply but I sort of want to say "we did use condoms" but then I am afraid that will paint a picture of a sexual detail other than what he is already imagining. I just don't know if eventually he will want all the sexual details. I don't think he would but I just cannot imagine him hearing them or how it could possibly help. Guess I can cross that bridge if it gets here, I am just anticipating what may be to come.

Smileemptysoul posted 10/30/2013 23:48 PM

For the love of god, don't trickle truth!!! As for details, that is something that I think needs to addressed at the time. I'm in no position to give anybody advice right now as I'm 8 hours into DDay#2, and my trickle truthing and not divulging everything when I had the chance is the absolute stupidest and most selfish thing that I could have done.

I wish that I had have followed the advice of others here and opened up about everything all at once. All of the work accomplished in the past three months has been flushed because I was too damn stubborn and selfish to think of my BS's feelings first.

harrypotter posted 10/31/2013 05:36 AM


Not letting you off the hook but this to me is a good example as to why we are all here. I am seven months post dday and still screw up. Giving hurtful details is hard but if your BS wants them we need to give them. I screwed up my timeline too, same reasons I wanted to protect her from more hurt and I didn't want her to see me as the person I had become.


Along with that I left out small details that I didn't really think mattered in the big scheme of things. Well they mattered to my wife. So my advise would be to stop and ask or tell them this is not every detail but ask if you want more. I wish I would have handled it that way but as usual i thought self image preservation and a good old I can decide what's important attitude to guide me instead.
It is like others have said though, it's so hard to let go and get it out, but it really does feel better once it's all good as it can I guess.

Smileemptysoul posted 10/31/2013 09:57 AM

That was another reason I held back on some of the details...I was ashamed and embarrassed of what I had done and what I had become. And stupid me making decisions for the BOTH of us yet again, I figured that I knew what was right and what needed to be shared to minimize the damage to ME! And that's what all of our affairs are about, isn't it? ME! It's all about me. About I can get out of whatever horrible situation that you happen to find yourself in. It's how YOU can be pleased and get your perverse needs and wants met, without even thinking about what you were doing or who you were hurting in the process. I look back at who I was and what I was doing, and I don't even recognize the person I had become. Being out of the fog now, it's amazing how stupid, risky and dangerous some of my actions were. Why is it always in hindsight when you can finally see how wrong you were?

The really shitty thing is, is that the past three months of counseling has helped. I have been solely concentrating on my wife, our relationship, better myself and my that order. And nothing else! And it's felt good! Really good, in fact. I haven't been expending any time or effort on anything other than what is of the utmost importance to me, and I've felt rejuvenated and content for the first time in a very long time. And yet, with yesterdays bombshell, I wonder now if everything that we've worked for is lost. I wonder if this additional information that my BW now has will be just too much for her to take. My god, how much CAN she take? I really am worried for our future together...I want to do anything and everything that I can to make sure that we have one together.

Again....DON'T TT!!! You may think that you're saving yourself or your BS from additional pain and heartache...but it will catch up to you. And when it does, the consequences will be 10X worse. I wish that I had have listened to everybody hear instead of finding this horrible fact out myself.

Neznayou posted 11/1/2013 04:14 AM

I gave up the last piece of TT a little over a year past DDay for exactly the same reasons that everyone before has mentioned. Now, I have taken away every single last reason for my BH to trust any word that comes out of my mouth. I know now I speak the truth, I believe he wants to believe that now I am truthful, but after spending a year telling him it was the truth and then to find out it wasn't, well, that just makes it almost impossible for him to take my word for anything. I have to keep being truthful in word and action and eventually, hopefully, he will be able to trust me again.

dumbchick posted 11/2/2013 10:10 AM

I don't want to TT. He does not want to hear anything. I offered to answer any questions last night and even if he wanted to write them down, I could write the answers and he can look when he is ready. He said he does not want to know. He does not want any visuals. If we start to talk about it, he tells me to stop talking. I just don't know if, in time, he will want to know? If so, that will just prolong the healing process so if he wants to know, I wish I could just tell him now. I wish I could just do something to ease his pain. Should I be proactive about this or let him take the lead on the info train?

Neznayou posted 3/6/2014 02:05 AM

I read what I wrote here and I have to, for myself, set the record straight. I did not end TT in November. I didn't end TT until early February. Yep, I'm a self-serving idiot with honesty issues, and what I posted here previously is even more so than it was then.

A few weeks ago, my BH asked me What are the consequences of telling the truth? I had a list of answers... someone might disagree... someone might be angry... maybe we can't be friends... maybe I'd have to defend my position... someone might think I'm not all that... The real and only answer to the question is: The consequences of telling the truth are that you become trustworthy. Did you ever see that quote attributed to Kurt Cobain: I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not? I haven't been willing to be hated for who I am; I tried very hard (and very unsuccessfully) to be loved for who I thought I should be.

BH has told me that I must choose to change myself for me, not for him. I am working every day to make sure that whenever words come out of my mouth I know I am telling the truth. I am more acutely aware of dishonesty in my life as a whole. Where does the dishonesty come from? For example, when I was on Facebook with a friend the other day, Why did I tell her I had to go because the dryer was done? Why didn't I just say I needed to go?

Also, in reading Relationship Rescue, I realized that my passive-aggressive nature is inherently dishonest. Dishonesty has been my go-to, so much so that I projected dishonesty onto BH. I looked for his hidden agenda, his ulterior motive. I often would ask myself: What does he really mean? Well, the short answer is: He means what he says.

I shoulda listened to you all...

authenticnow posted 3/6/2014 05:48 AM

Okay well, here you are now.

Keep being completely transparent and truthful so you can live authentically. It seems that once the full truth is out the rest falls into place, whether your BS gives you the gift of R or not.

I agree that you need to do this for you.

It sounds like you are finally doing the work. Good luck .

1bigidiot79 posted 3/6/2014 08:47 AM

I actually came to the site this morning to start a new thread about this very topic. It seems like I have read a lot of different stories here lately saying the same thing. DON'T TT!!!

Well, last night I couldn't take it anymore. It was eating at me to no end. I put everything on paper. Everything. Showed it to her and told her I would answer any question honestly and give her any detail she wanted. After a long discussion I feel like our marriage may be damaged beyond repair. The matter of fact tone and coldness in which she spoke to me about how she feels about me was crushing. The realization that I have absolutely destroyed her sickens me. I'm not sure we can recover from this.

As hard as it is to realize the reality of what I just said, it does feel good to finally have it out. All of it. No more secrets. No more double life. I'm ready now. I was working hard before but I finally realized that true change was never going to happen until I manned up and finally spilled it all. It had to happen.

Just like you Smile, I now feel like the last 7 months have been for nothing. As far as building good will it absolutely has been for nothing. It's day 1 all over again and I'm starting fresh. The difference this time is I know I'm doing this the right way and for the right reasons with everything on the table. I know that things may not work out with my marriage but I also know I had to do that and now I can move forward with nothing holding me back.

For anyone who may be reading this who gave me advice and I told you I was doing everything I could and all that jazz...I am sorry. I should have listened to you. I'm sorry I wasn't honest. I now realize that one of my biggest problems is I haven't been honest with myself. That's a whole other subject I should probably start a post on because I now realize it has been the single biggest roadblock to my healing and trying to fix myself.

Anyway, to anyone out there who has not told the whole story and is still keeping part of the truth from your BS please listen to me. No matter how small it is, no matter how much you think it will hurt, please do your spouse the courtesy of telling them the whole truth. You will not be able to fully heal your marriage or yourself until you do. Believe me I tried it. And now even though I think I've made a breakthrough personally, my marriage is in severe jeopardy because I waited and held out hoping it would go away and thinking those small details didn't matter. You are not protecting your spouse from anything by not telling them. You are just hurting them even more.

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