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So, I found out :-(

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Lex71 posted 10/30/2013 18:21 PM

Where to start?
I have had a gut feel that all was not right with my fiancée and our relationship for a while. Don't know what was telling me but I knew it wasn't right. Perhaps the fact that this is my third long term relationship in which there has been an A and perhaps also some mistrust from things that happened a couple of years back (dating website usage).

Anyway, WS has developed a habit of spending hours on social network sites and such like. Very recently, I noticed her phone had a password lock enabled and that windows on computer were closed quickly when I got close. So, I installed a webwatcher and quickly learned my gut instinct was correct.

I found out on Friday 18th Oct. lots of chatting, using dating sites, looking for A. All seemed to be EA. I came across one conversation that really put the knife in - saying that she knew ages ago that I was a 'monumental' mistake and that she is working on her 'exit strategy' and is looking forward to being single again in a number of years. Years because she says that's how long she needs to untangle our relationship/life.

We went on holiday last week and I smiled my way through it all the while completely dying. Devastated. Numb. I cry in the shower because I don't want to be 'found out'. How have I ended up feeling like I need to hide, like I chose to do this?

So, I've held on to the hope that the holiday would help and that the EA was really just flirting. But, I now found out that it's PA as well. I have to travel away one night a week for work and I've now got evidence that the OP came to my house. I never ever thought that would happen, there are young children here and I'm dumbfounded that such a risk is taken.

I now also have realised that 'friends' names on WS mobile aren't girlfriends but the current OP and perhaps others of interest. Seemingly, WS is chatting online to about 4 others but said to the OP 'dont worry I've been faithful to you'

What now? I've been in similar position before - previous marriage broke down after I wife just left me out of the blue for someone else. I have children, I'm worried, scared, stressed. I'm second best again and it's killing me. I'm pretending I don't know and it's so hard but I've even stopped crying after a week, I don't know what to feel anymore.

Do I say something? How would I even start? Do I wait it out to next year, at least let the children have a fun Christmas this year...? I'm so tired and feel so empty.

I'm sorry to have rambled. I don't have close friends and I've not been able to speak to any one before. I don't often get a lot of time where I can be online and chat without it being thought of as suspicious by the WS. I'm here because I am looking for support and advice. I already learned a lot ready the forums.

Jptphp posted 10/30/2013 18:30 PM

I don't have much advice. But ramble all you want. In the short time I have been on this site the advice and support has been wonderful.
If I am figuring out one thing you need to think about yourself. I have a 3 year old son and I'm pregnant with our second and as much as they need there father, I need to be happy too.
You have support here, and everyone understands!

Bigger posted 10/30/2013 19:28 PM

Oh wow…
What makes dealing with situations so hard for us old-timers here on SI is that the advice we tend to offer is so very, very tough that it tends to drive posters like you away…

Let me start by telling you where I’m coming from. I walked in on my fiancé having sex with OM in my bed. Turns out she would go out trolling for sex-partners every now and then when I did night-shifts. We had been dating for 5 years, engaged for 4, living together 2 and our marriage was all planned and booked 5 weeks after d-day.
I walked out that very night and never looked back. Yes it was tough. I really loved this woman and had planned on spending my life with her. But I also realized that starting off on that life’s journey with THAT baggage was doomed to failure.
I was 22 at the time, About 18 months later (the first 12 extremely tough emotionally) I met my present wife and we have over 25 years together.
I feel I need to share this with you before I post the below:

Your fiancés actions are totally hers. People don’t cheat because there is something lacking in the relationship. People cheat because there is something lacking in THEM. There is nothing “normal” in seeking random sex partners, creating false emotional affairs (I call them “false” bc I doubt you can establish true emotional connection this way), lying and cheating.
Do you really think you can “fix” her?
Do you really think she’s willing to fix herself?

This is the hard part… This is the advice I fear might drive you away…
PLEASE remember I’m just one voice.

If you are engaged. If there is no child involved. If there are no major financial obligations…
Then end this relationship.
Then listen to what she’s saying and BELIEVE it.

Like I say: I’m just one voice. If you tell us you two have kids, major time invested, property etc then we can come up with a guideline on how to improve your odds of reconciliation. But based on what you post… I would end this relationship.

Tred posted 10/30/2013 19:36 PM

Bigger has given you great advice mate. My fiance cheated on me 16 years ago. I did the opposite of Bigger. I married her, thinking that she wouldn't do it again. She did - 12 years later. I didn't find out until we were in our 14th year. You don't want to be me. It hurts a lot more when you've been together over a decade, have kids, house, country club, no money problems, she's never had to get pretty happy and comfortable with life. You have much further to fall, if you get what I'm saying. I've been seeing a brain specialist for a year now to treat the PTSD.

Maybe your fiancee will be different - but don't rugsweep this. If she doesn't own it, be willing to give you access to all her e-mail accounts, phone, complete transparency, and go to counseling to find out why she made the choice to cheat, then I'm afraid you'll be back here again some day.

AlexFL posted 10/30/2013 19:42 PM

I really feel for you. It is very difficult when people betray our trust and treat us this poorly. I am currently involved with someone who has ONS and has cheated on me multiple times. We have 3 children. It's very sad. I too do not have any close friends to discuss this with. I understand that you are on an emotional ride and sometimes you don't know how to feel or if u feel at all. Mine started on my birthday when I read some texts that were in the past tense and discussing when they could meet "again". Idid some research and confronted the OP who knew nothing if me and was told my WS was "single" It's heart breaking to know that the person u love has this alter ego that they pull out from time to time to satisfy something lacking inside them. This time even though it's been about the 5th time I caught him, I am still conversing with him and being civil. I thought I would just pack and leave but I haven't.

I am sure the comments you read are very out of character for what your fiancée is really like. But u need to know as well as I do - that is was them, it is them, and they are destroying our self esteem. It kills me that I haven't been stronger. I'm working on things but I still feel scared and also I truly will miss him. I wish I had an answer for you but I would say, you've read the messages, she wants out--- let her go!!!!

Hope2B posted 10/30/2013 19:56 PM

Iam so sorry you are going through this.

Unfortunately, your fiancée's behavior is telling you who she really is. It's a horrible way to find out, but the positive is that you are not legally bound to one another through marriage.

What Bigger said:

If you are engaged. If there is no child involved. If there are no major financial obligations…
Then end this relationship.
Then listen to what she’s saying and BELIEVE it.

Please do not think you are second best. Instead, believe that it is NOT about you even though it feels that it is, very personally, about you. It is NOT about you!

[This message edited by Hope2B at 7:57 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

doggiediva posted 10/30/2013 20:07 PM

I wish I had left the M when I had my first D -day..

I was a young 27 yr old with a new 2 month old baby..This was 29 years ago and we had already been married 8 years...

I was too trusting and naive about what it took to R or D...So the A got rug swept..

After the discovery of the A WH worked and came home every night, didn't go out drinking with his friends after work like he did before our baby was born..

Stupid me, I decided to stay in the marriage because I thought WH was on his best behavior because he worked to help support us , and he came home from work on time every day..

I didn't think I was entitled to ask for more from him ..I was too afraid to live life as a single new mom back then..

Fast forward to 2nd D-day and no remorse from WH...

Now I have much further to fall without the time to rebuild.. Because the marriage was very long, I have a lot more to untangle to extricate myself from it..

Do not rug sweep like I did the first time..

In the process of picking up the pieces to see what is broken you will get clarity on whether the work of R is for you or not

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:08 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Crushed1 posted 10/30/2013 22:58 PM

Hi Lex71, this is a great forum and you'll find a lot of help and support here.

Don't ever let anyone make you feel like second best, because you deserve to be FIRST!

I agree with Bigger. If you aren't married to her or have children together or other significant ties such as joint property, etc., you should consider running from her and finding someone who is worthy of you! She has some deeply rooted issues which she needs to work on.

I'm sorry, I know you're hurting and the pain can be overwhelming.

***Edited because it accidentally sent before I finished writing.

[This message edited by Crushed1 at 11:05 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

mandan66 posted 10/30/2013 23:58 PM

Brother---I echo the others, especially Tred. You don't want to be where we ended up--15-20 years in, and losing damn near everything. It is a bigger hurdle to overcome, believe us!

Fireflies posted 10/31/2013 00:37 AM

I'm sorry you're going through this, Lex. Based on your post, I'm gathering you guys are not yet married? If that's the case, my advice is to drop her now. This is only my opinion and is of course colored by my experience. My WH began cheating on me when we were engaged and continued throughout our entire marriage. I wish I would've found out before marriage and kids because I would've dropped 160 pounds of dead weight back then. I'm sorry if my advice is harsh but you deserve better.

cookiegrl posted 10/31/2013 01:06 AM

(((Lex))) so sorry you are hurting.

I am the last person to give advice as I can't even make a decision about my own situation.

However I can tell you that if you're not married yet I'd be outta there quick. Get your ducks in a row if you have to and leave. There are so many signs I saw before marriage and I wish I would have listened to my gut.

fadedrainbow posted 10/31/2013 04:07 AM

My heart breaks for you. I am afraid I have to agree with the others and say let her go. This: a monumental mistake and working on an exit strategy. How can anybody move past that? AND the OP has been to your house. Take care of yourself and keep posting. (((Lex71)))

Lex71 posted 10/31/2013 08:56 AM

Thanks for the replies everyone. I won't leave here because of your thoughts and advice, it does make sense.

We're not married but we do have a house and young children. I love them to bits and I'm so upset at the pain the are likely to go through.

If we didn't have children I would have gone straight away.

I'm doing my best to stay level headed and take time to consider but all the while I know it's ongoing and I feel really dirty that by not saying anything I'm now 'allowing' this A to continue. I'm so upset, I found out she is meeting him tonight - says its overtime at work but I've seen the emails and I know that is not - I feel so sick.

Whatdoido333 posted 10/31/2013 09:35 AM

Just be careful and watch closely..

INeres where i am coming from....i have been married over 30 years and if I had the courage I should have left years ago, but never did. Now I'm in deep....but I guess it's never too late.

I just found out this past year, but apparently my WH actually approached my sister years 25 years ago, maybe longer, and he asked her to run away with him. UnfortunAtely, I was never told and life went on. Fast forward a bunch of years, and he's been having EAs thoughtout our entire marriage...he's involved in an EA now that's been going on for 4 years but vehemently denies it. I was just way too trusting.

You have kids, so that's the kicker. Don't be naive or in denial....take care of has nothing to do with's her...:(

Skan posted 10/31/2013 11:46 AM

Please make an appointment with a lawyer and find out, exactly, what your rights are should you leave. Or should she leave. You need to have this knowledge so that you can plan your next step. Let me repeat this, you NEED to have this knowledge so that YOU can PLAN your next step. She is not married to you, but she is already planning to go through a marriage with you while planning her exit strategy, which probably involves taking you for every penny you have.

Do not let this happen. Just don't.

Get to a lawyer, find out what happens if you split up now, and ask what would happen if you married and then split up in 5+ years. I think that you'll find that you will be in a horrible position financially, let alone emotionally.

Please think of this. You WF is using you, to help finance her adultry. And she is willing to marry you, vow to God and your friends her fidelity, all the time with two crossed fingers behind her back. She expects that you will finance all of her adultries throughout the years.

You are her personal cash-cow and baby-sitter.

God, this is painful. I know. We all know. But you are NOT second choice, you are NOT Plan B, and you are worth SO MUCH more than being treated this way. (((hugs)))

5454real posted 10/31/2013 13:44 PM

When I asked my XW(who had been having an affair our entire marriage) why we got married in the first place, she looked me squarely in the eyes and said "I married you for the child support".

Don't be me.

For a glimpse of how that might turn out, check my post about halfway down the page.

I'm NOT absolutely advocating running, but I AM suggesting you use all your resources before going any farther.


overandone posted 10/31/2013 14:12 PM

I don't think I could be as strong as you. If I knew they had planned to meet tonight I would walk in and bust their arses. But that's just me. I feel for you, this is a shitty situation.

I had 2 kids and 7 months pregnant with twins when we got married. It doesn't mean there isn't a bond between you, and a possibly unspoken agreement of faithfulness between you. It really needs to come out in the open, you would surely find it impossible to make any marriage vows if there is such a huge "secret" between you. I know Christmas is coming up, but your kids are bound to feel some tension from you, there is never a good time to out them.

cluless posted 10/31/2013 14:35 PM


I think I'm 10-11 weeks from D-Day (although got a new truth today that's hard to swallow.) Listen, it's really easy for an outsider to give advice on what you should do. I had friends with the best "intentions" but if I listened to them, I would have thrown him out. Nobody knows how this feels until it happens to them and each r/ship is different.

So I want you to ask yourself do you really love her? Where do you see yourself and her in 5 years? My experience has pointed to a breakdown in communication why WS go outside the M. IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE! What your WW did WAS beyond cruel, but there is a "reason" she is doing it. If you love her get into MC ASAP and her "reasons" will come out and THEN you will see how you need to proceed. But please take your time and don't do anything when your emotions are involved.

Good Luck!

Lex71 posted 10/31/2013 16:27 PM

Thanks everyone for your wise words.

I couldn't follow them tonight if I wanted. She was going to pretend to work overtime (which was on offer at her work -she has shown me an email) but for some reason decided not to go. However, I have checked emails and know that she is planning next meet already and has made suggestions about a girls night out next week.

I'm amazed by the level of deceit involved.

Clueless you asked if I love her, where I would be in 5 years. That's a very challenging question right now, my emotions are shot, I think I love her but I realised on the way home from work tonight that I'm not mentally ready to call her out and handle a split. So, I think I love my image of her, what I would like to see. I'm not sure I am making sense...?

I'm not married but here I will have to pay child maint (if she has them). I don't mind paying child maint, I love my kids but i'm seeing things not getting done , she doesn't play much with them, doesn't do homework, doesn't tidy/wash dishes BUT she does spend her day exchanging shockingly explicit emails with the OP, so I'm mad that she the A is also impacting the children.

I cried again this morning but I have to swallow down my emotions and hide them now. Everything is so wrong. I will see a lawyer so I know my rights before calling her out on the A.

Its hard not to get snappy/grumpy with her when I know of these things and the hurt that it is causing me. I don't want to be in this position, I don't want to be here, I don't have friends. I'm scared and frightened, angry and hurt. FFS why does life chuck this crap ?

sailorgirl posted 10/31/2013 22:32 PM


You have friends now. Here. We know how bad this sucks and we are listening.

Go see an attorney.

Also, go easy on yourself. Plan to go to a restaurant you really like or watch a favorite movie. Be present with your kids. Try to block out everything and listen to them, hug them, read to them--kids are so grounding.

See a doctor, therapist, minister, someone who you can talk to. Weekly counseling where you can unload and vent and focus and get some clarity would be awesome.

You are going to survive this, and eventually, you will be happy and your kids will be thriving whatever road you take.

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