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Never look in the WS forum....

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topperoff22 posted 10/30/2013 19:19 PM

Such a bad idea to look at the WS forum as a BS. Just such a bad idea. Seeing all those WSs who TTd and three or four months down the line the BS finds out through other means. Like the one about the anonymous letter that I couldn't comment on but wanted to slap the WS so hard (sorry, dude...just where I am right now..I really wouldn't because I know you made a mistake, but I just wanted to for your wife). I keep telling my WS that I want to be sure he's told me everything because if this happens to me...I'm out.

Chrysalis123 posted 10/30/2013 20:07 PM

That's why they have their own forum. Trigger city for BS

Bigger posted 10/30/2013 20:19 PM

Have to say that IMHO the wayward forum is one of the bravest forums Ive seen on the net.
We BS come here as victims. We have all the understanding and support.
The WS come here as the bad guys.
Yet they come and the fact they read and post indicates they want to change. They want to make right. To me as a BS that is an intensely powerful thing.
But yes It definitely can trigger BS so its a good idea to keep out of there.

somanyyears posted 10/30/2013 20:21 PM


..i read posts from all the different forums if the title tweeks my interest..

..ya, sometimes it can trigger me, but often it can help me get a better handle on the thinking and perspectives out there.

..knowledge is power and i can use all the insights i can get to help me deal with this nightmare..

..i can certainly see how TT can be a dealbreaker in some cases. I was simply lied to from the very beginning and didn't know any better.

I never suspected that she would cheat ..AND lie about it!!! What a fool i was eh???

smy

jo2love posted 10/30/2013 20:22 PM

When I first came to SI, I didn't read in the WS forum for a very long time. Not because it would hurt, but I felt I needed to work on me. Believe me...I was a mess. I wish I found SI sooner.

When I did start to read the posts, I saw how many WS's are remorseful and disappointed with themselves. They were working on fixing themselves and their relationship. I give them credit. They are pouring out to thousands of people how they hurt someone they love. That takes guts. I wish my x was that dedicated and brave.

If that forum triggers you, maybe stop reading till you are farther down the path of healing.

topperoff22 posted 10/30/2013 20:23 PM

Have to say that IMHO the wayward forum is one of the bravest forums Ive seen on the net.
We BS come here as victims. We have all the understanding and support.
The WS come here as the bad guys.
Yet they come and the fact they read and post indicates they want to change. They want to make right. To me as a BS that is an intensely powerful thing.
But yes It definitely can trigger BS so its a good idea to keep out of there.
All good points!

topperoff22 posted 10/30/2013 20:25 PM

I think I will avoid it for awhile longer. I go in there to learn more about WS and motivation and ... i don't know...just understand that perspective more. I need to not concern myself with that right now. The reason some of the posts trigger me is that last week I learned WH had been talking to OW a lot longer than I thought. He said he thought I knew...but I did NOT know he was talking to her every single day for almost two years!!! What the hell else doesn't he think is important?!

cantaccept posted 10/30/2013 20:29 PM

I read there all the time now. I have even responded, surprised myself.

I have such respect for those that are honestly working so hard and accept their actions and the need to learn.

I suppose I also read to help me see the progression and maybe gain some insight. Maybe so I can see if h is making progress even if I can't see it?

Kelany posted 10/30/2013 20:49 PM

Honestly I value that forum. I do gain insight, and I do see remorseful WS. Sure thereare some that probably won't ever get it. But for those that do, who are willing to be honest with themselves, its nice to see the thought process.

inconnu posted 10/30/2013 21:07 PM

I learned a lot from reading the WS forum. I learned that not all waywards are bad people. I learned that people can change, if they want to and are willing to do the incredibly hard work on themselves. Most importantly, I learned what real remorse should look and sound like, and I learned my ex wasn't remorseful, even when I desperately wanted to believe he was.

For me, as a fBS (exBS?), it was so important to see examples of what remorse and reconciliation was supposed to look like, so that I could finally admit I had been in false R.

I've met several of the SI WS in person, and am so impressed with all of them. Not only are they brave on SI, but to come to G2Gs where they are so outnumbered by the BS...that takes so much courage.

I get that reading the wayward forum isn't for everyone. It is very triggery. But there's a wealth of knowledge there, too.


Lostinthismess posted 10/30/2013 21:40 PM

Honestly, I check wayward first when I log in. If it wasn't for that forum, reading the seasoned ws, where they were, how they worked through it and just the people they are now, I would have filed for divorce a long time ago. They give me hope.... Every time I'm about to pull the leaving trigger, they always come to mind.... Just that true to your core change is possible.... Even from the ones that had multiple affairs and tt'd the shit out if their spouses. I think, if their bs could tough it out, maybe I can. Maybe it's possible.......

HurtsButImOK posted 10/30/2013 21:56 PM

I find the Wayward forum one of the best on SI. As an XBS it gives me hope that there are people who make bad choices, own their shit and actively try to change for the better.

My X is not that person, he embraces his waywardness as all my fault, reading that forum shows me that it really is all him and his brokenness.

SI WS' who are actively trying to heal themselves and their M/BS rock.

Thessalian posted 10/30/2013 22:04 PM

I love the WS forum, and began reading immediately after Dday. I know what it feels like to be a BS. I know what being betrayed is like. But I don't know what it feels like for them.

So when I start to doubt that WS can have true remorse, when I need some understanding in terms of how my WS is feeling, when I need to see what I can expect from my WS four months from now, when I want to know if my WS is ever really going to be hit with the magnitude of how bad this is for me, when I need to make sure that my WS's behavior is matching up with the behavior of a truely remorseful spouse, I read there. It's given me a lot of clarity - a lot. I particularly appreciate reading posts from other WS who say the same exact things my WS has said, because while I can't believe my WS, I can believe a group of anonymous posters who have no reason to lie to me.

Sure, it triggers me sometimes. But mostly, it has illuminated quite a few dark corners my WS never talked about. I appreciate it deeply.

HardenMyHeart posted 10/30/2013 22:15 PM

The WS forum was a great help to me. I learned a great many things that I never would have known otherwise.

Yet they come and the fact they read and post indicates they want to change. They want to make right. To me as a BS that is an intensely powerful thing.

Well said Bigger and I couldn't agree more.

Jrazz posted 10/30/2013 22:21 PM

It took a long time for me to have a healthy outlook in there.

I think that it is much too hard for a new member to be in there... but it's amazing to see so many WS's transform their minds and hearts with the help of others.

I say give it a year or so. You certainly are not obliged to go in there, but the perspective gained is well worth it for me. The chance to try and help WS's "get it"? Awesome. The things I've learned about myself by reading in there? Priceless.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:11 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

cantgetup posted 10/30/2013 22:23 PM

Posts in the WS forum are some of the most real advice and insight I have gotten. Triggery, yes---but worth
It in the long run.

StillGoing posted 10/30/2013 22:36 PM

As shitty as that stuff can be, it's posted by people who are trying to sort their stuff out.

It's like JFO. We as BS have said some really hurtful, brutal shit in there because it's a safe place to do that.

I think making a comment about a protected place outside of that protective environment can be alienating. That stuff is posted with a certain expectation of safety, to move forward. Obviously everybody who reads that stuff is going to have their own thoughts and opinions - I won't lie, I recoil at a lot of shit I read.

Taking it out of there into the general forum can feel kind of violating. I'm sure that wasn't the intention, and I'm sure whatever was posted was one of those things that just makes you wince, but it's like I said with the JFO stuff - if some of those raw, raging, painful situations were brought in here it could be, well, Othering for lack of a better word.

I don't do well in there either, FWIW. I dunno, maybe I am looking at it the wrong way. I took my sleepytime meds so I'm not my usual sensible self.

dindy posted 10/31/2013 04:01 AM

I uses to read the WS forum a lot in the beginning to try and understand why me ex did what he did. I even suggested that he might want to read it.

But he was too cowardly to read it and TT'd after DDay. That did the most damage and is the reason we split up. Him putting his A and OW before me and my kids was just too much.

All I can say is that those WS' who do post are incredibly brave and must really want to do the hard work necessary to change and commit to R.

Good luck to them.

watersofavalon posted 10/31/2013 05:35 AM

Honestly, I think it's comforting mostly. Most ws are remorseful and trying to fix things it seems, just looking for support in doing that. I spent a lot of time on another relationship forum where there is a board for OPs - now that is scary and illuminating. But can make a BS feel worthless, stupid, deserving of pain etc.

watersofavalon posted 10/31/2013 05:35 AM

Double post!

[This message edited by watersofavalon at 5:36 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

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