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His IC agreed with me! Yes!

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topperoff22 posted 10/30/2013 20:30 PM

So WH goes to a session today and I asked him how it went. He tells me rough in the beginning. I ask why. "Well, she agreed with you after all that crap last week."
(not a direct quote so he may not have actually said 'crap'....maybe it was my interpretation. )
That "crap" last week was when I found out that he had been talking to her every day for 18 months, or longer (the records only go back 18 months) NOT the 10 months he said. He says he didn't know it had been that long, one, and that he considered the affair part when he started meeting her in person and that she did the calling in the beginning, not him...he said he never pursued her and I have the hardest time getting him to understand that he never said NO to her and that is just as bad as pursuing her. Idiot. Ooops...sorry...that's how I felt at the time, but he is coming around because after he was apparently verbally B****** slapped by his counselor today he told me "I am learning so much through this process about you and about women..." He seemed grateful.

He also said that he is understanding more what I meant, what our pastor meant and now what the counselor meant today when they said "You may not have seen those initial conversations as part of 'the affair' but your wife does and you need to acknowledge that, understand it, and accept that is how she sees it."

It's nice to have some of my feelings FINALLY being validated...more so by counselors, but slowly by him as well!

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 8:31 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

jjsr posted 10/30/2013 21:11 PM

Validation is a good thing. I hope he continues to get it.

jemimapd posted 10/30/2013 21:18 PM

That "crap" last week was when I found out that he had been talking to her every day for 18 months, or longer (the records only go back 18 months) NOT the 10 months he said. He says he didn't know it had been that long, one, and that he considered the affair part when he started meeting her in person and that she did the calling in the beginning, not him...he said he never pursued her

Topper, this is almost word for word what my WH said. He didn't realize how long it had been going on and she made the play.

This unfortunately is straight out of the cheater's handbook. In fact, he was very much pursuing her as I heard on the tape I made of him trying to arrange to see her ASAP. And he knew full well how long it was going on, he just lied to try to minimize it.

topperoff22 posted 10/31/2013 06:19 AM

If a person is divorcing should they be in this forum discouraging people who are trying to R? Not cool. Plus...I know he is minimizing. ...I can't force him not to right now...can I. I stayed out of here a few days and didn't have a panic attack...I think there is a correlation. .......

SI Staff posted 10/31/2013 06:37 AM

Topper,

Jemima is not encouraging you not to R, she is trying to help you by sharing her experiences.

A good rule is to take what you need and leave the rest. Being rude and dismissive to those trying to help you is not productive.

karmahappens posted 10/31/2013 06:50 AM

I stayed out of here a few days and didn't have a panic attack

Hey Topper

Sometimes the things that bother us the most are the things we should be looking at.

Things that trigger/make us angry are sometimes little flags saying "pay attention".

We are not always ready or able to look closely at the things that are not good, we want to see all thats wonderful during R, but the true way to get through it is to face what hurts the most.

(((hugs)))

I AM glad your husband is starting understand your POV.

topperoff22 posted 10/31/2013 07:52 AM

Have a good time people....doing what two counselors have told me to do and leaving. Have fun being therapists without a degree

karmahappens posted 10/31/2013 08:23 AM

I wish you wouldn't go Topper.

You can learn so much here. All of this takes time. A long time.

Collectively we rival any IC you can find.

I hope you reconsider.

SoVerySadNow posted 10/31/2013 08:23 AM

Frequently they don't realize how much time has passed or how many texts per day, etc-. they aren't seeing the whole picture at one time.

1ost0ne posted 10/31/2013 09:15 AM

Have a good time people....doing what two counselors have told me to do and leaving.

Our MC also told my WW to avoid sites that get her spun up. Some people do not react well to feedback. My WW took advice from this site as an attack and not for what it was.

tushnurse posted 10/31/2013 09:56 AM

Topper I hope you read this, and take it for what it's worth.... Just some friendly advice.

I am sorry that you feel like you are being attacked. I don't see it like that, but when we post here it is often when we are very emotionally raw, and everything hurts.

I am Very Happy that you feel validated in what you said and how you feel by his IC. That has to feel like a small victory, and may actually help you WS understand what he has done.

AS someone who has been through R I do believe you have to take every positive with caution, and constantly remind yourself that actions speak much louder than words.

(((and strength)))

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