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jemimapd posted 10/30/2013 20:52 PM

I have a month of the in house separation to go. I've been doing better about keeping the talk to a minimum about practicalities. We have agreed a legal separation agreement, just waiting for the hearing to confirm the dissolution.

My WH"s focus seems to be more and more on his finances, with the occasional lip-service paid to DD but he doesn't actually do anything with her, just leaves it to me as usual.

Tonight I had to agree with WH the health insurance plan I have lined up for DD. This immediately turned into a huge rant about how he would not be getting health insurance because there was no way he could afford it, how broke he was going to be, how he had not been able to pursue his dream career during the marriage, how his business was so bad, how he was just trying to avoid being destitute because of all the work his new house needs.

WTF? He is leaving this marriage with WAY more than he brought into it. I have bailed him out countless times. He didn't pursue his dream career because he couldn't get off the couch and study for the qualifications (which I researched for him and found night time courses he could do). He never made any effort at all to get those qualifications. Nothing. Not one action.

When I then suggested he could get a particular job which would give him health insurance and a steady income he said no, that would mean too much travel. He "didn't want to be away from DD".

He has chosen to get a house which needs a lot of work because he likes that road. And I'm writing the check for it to buy him out of the equity in our house. He didn't have to buy a wreck. Oh, and he has lied to me about that. He told me it needed a complete new septic system/leech bed/upgraded water lines/county sign-off all costing $20k. Today I saw the report which says it just needs a new tank.

It's as though he has this underlying attitude that everything is my fault. All his woes are down to me. It is making me crazy. I have basically created his business, done all the marketing, I could not even get him to cooperate in the most basic sales ideas.

Last year I hand delivered 500 leaflets for his business in the freezing fucking cold while he was screwing around with OW. He never once offered to help me. It has been years of pushing a huge stone uphill.

I just ended up saying I would not discuss his future plans.

Oh, and while this is going on here are a few things he does NOT say:

I will miss you, Jemima
I will miss spending time with you
I will miss having sex with you
I will miss talking to you
I will make this right

And not once has he ever said that he would do anything and everything to save the marriage.

Frankly, I think he's far more upset about losing his comfy lifestyle than he is about losing me.

Why am I surprised - he didn't want to do things with me, he did them with OW. I couldnt get him to go for walk with me. I feel so stupid and used, like I was just a checkbook to him. I am so sick of being played by him.

What the hell gives him this attitude that I have ruined him????

thebighurt posted 10/30/2013 21:04 PM

It's as though he has this underlying attitude that everything is my fault.

^^^this. You've done everything so far and he has done nothing. If he's done nothing, then nothing can be his fault. Plain logic!

Bigger posted 10/30/2013 21:11 PM

I just ended up saying I would not discuss his future plans.

Next time don't end up saying that. START by saying that!

His future and future problems are no concern of yours.

Nature_Girl posted 10/30/2013 21:49 PM

Oh good grief, what a baby. Yes, it's all your fault, Jemima. It's your fault because you've decided not to participate in his lies any longer. You're ruining his life because you're insisting on honesty, integrity and accountability. How horrible!

persevere posted 10/30/2013 21:53 PM

What the hell gives him this attitude that I have ruined him????

The illusion is all he has my friend. It's how he survives. But fuck that - it's not reality and YOU have to deal with reality - whether he chooses to recognize it or not. Makes no difference in your world.

jemimapd posted 10/30/2013 22:25 PM

The illusion is all he has my friend. It's how he survives

So the illusion has to continue? This is what I am afraid of - that he is already setting me up so that when it all does downhill it will be my fault.

NG - the truth has to be the foundation or else you are living with a fictional character. I am honestly shocked at how much he lies and how convincingly.

Tonight I calmly told him that I knew in my soul that he has slept with more than one OW. And I saw him flicker and say nothing. A silent admission. And I just left it, I am exhausted.

Skan posted 10/30/2013 22:32 PM

(((hugs)))

Nature_Girl posted 10/30/2013 22:52 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeL5HDAfklc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdOTCz2eoE8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75jQZ1vnJqo

persevere posted 10/30/2013 23:40 PM

So the illusion has to continue? This is what I am afraid of - that he is already setting me up so that when it all does downhill it will be my fault.

An illusion is a lie - period. What he chooses to see, say, do, has NOTHING to do with what is REAL. He can say the unicorn in the street caused this mess - it doesn't make it true. HE cannot set you up for anything. He can SAY it's your fault but it doesn't make it true. When it all goes south, yes, he will blame someone, because it's certainly not HIS fault but that does not make it the truth. You can't focus on him and his truth. It simply doesn't matter anymore. YOU know the truth and that is what matters. ((Hugs))

momentintime posted 10/31/2013 01:19 AM

Hon, you need to get to indifference. Who cares what he thinks, you shouldn't. Don't take any responsibility for his poor choices. This is all on him. When he starts how tough things are going to be for him, tell him it is his opportunity to grow, then leave the room. Bet he drops his jaw! FTG.

SBB posted 10/31/2013 05:49 AM

Honey, in his world it IS all your fault. It was always going to be. It is always going to be.

Get used to this and your road ahead is going to be so much smoother.

Why are you still trying to rescue him? Stop. He is not your problem anymore. He doesn't get to rant anymore.

Treat him as you would an incompetent colleague. If they started ranting about their personal life and problems that are none of your business what would you do?

OK - maybe we should discuss this at a later time.... and then you get the hell out of dodge.

jemimapd posted 10/31/2013 06:43 AM

NG, thanks for posting the links re. narcissists. I learned a lot!

I don't think my WH fits the profile. He's just a common run of the mill liar.
He doesn't collect evidence to support his stories and he knows full well he is lying. He has little "tells" that I have got much better at picking up on.
Also, his lies are goal-orientated e.g. to get sex with other women, avoid being caught and then when caught to try to get as much money as possible out of me.

Finally, I think he's just too lazy to go to the effort of constructing a whole fantasy image. He's just not that good. I think his issues are more ones of entitlement: that he is entitled to carry on being subsidized by me. And he wants to have the image of success without putting in the effort.

I don't know what my diagnosis would be for marrying him

7yrsflushed posted 10/31/2013 07:28 AM

Just keep counting down the days. When he finally moves out X days/weeks from now the release you feel will be FANTASTIC! It's still a roller coaster but it levels out faster once they are gone.

that he is already setting me up so that when it all does downhill it will be my fault.
As for this statement it's likely true but you know how many shits you will give about that right....not even 2, more like ZERO. It will no longer be your problem. Don't engage in any discussions with him for the rest of In-house S unless you absolutely can't avoid it. Continue to be cordial whenever possible until paperwork is finalized and he is out the door. Vent here as needed. Then go on about your life and let him continue to implode his if he chooses. it's no longer your problem. It is so much easier to ignore when they are gone. Keep counting down!

Williesmom posted 10/31/2013 07:37 AM

I think we were married to the same man.

He just realized that his free ride is over. When he starts his bullshit, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away.

You've got your own problems. Don't listen to his.

Actions, meet consequences.

jemimapd posted 10/31/2013 08:54 AM

He just realized that his free ride is over. When he starts his bullshit, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away.

Yes on both counts. Everyone is right, I have to engage in the minimum necessary and not allow him to steer the conversation to his perceived problems.

He seems WAY more genuinely upset and disturbed about his future finances than he ever did about the impact of his affairs.

Unlike his affairs, he seems to have no problem giving me precise details of his money problems. Curiously he doesn't forget or not recall or make vague guesses as to the situation.

Like Williesmom (I read your story) I have financially supported him, paid his benefits, paid off his credit cards multiple times, paid for vacations, paid for his family's gifts, paid his dental and medical bills and the list could go on.

ninebark posted 10/31/2013 09:43 AM

My first reaction is send him a detailed bill for all your hard work. lol. But that is just my vindictive side coming out.

My ex is somewhat like that. He used to say his life wasn't where he thought it would be. My response was always "so a wonderful son, a loving family, a nice home and a good life isn't where you want to be?"

They are self centred, self absorbed people who will never admit anything is their fault or responsiblity.

Housefulloflove posted 11/1/2013 12:06 PM

His focus is solely on himself because that is all that registers for him. You would think someone so self-centered would do right by himself but surprisingly these type of people consistently do the opposite. They screw themselves over and won't do a damn thing to fix what they have destroyed.

From his prospective, it is going to be your fault no matter what. If you spend the rest of your days serving him, paying his way and showing unconditional love and devotion, he will still be unhappy and self-sabotaging. He will still blame you for anything and everything he *perceives* as being wrong.

His perception is warped, his feelings are warped, HE is warped but he has no intention of fixing what is really wrong (him and his actions).

Try not to take his misplaced blame to heart. When he no longer can blame you, it will be something or someone else.

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