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WS has no issues with marriage?

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naivewife posted 10/30/2013 21:28 PM

Is it normal that WH claims that he had/has no issues with our marriage at all? It seems like a normal part of R is working on problems in the marriage, and sure, there are some from my vantage point (especially now!), but how can someone who has absolutely no problem with their marriage, completely love their BS and never doubt that love, nearly throw it all away and jump into bed with an OW and tell her that he loves her? I mean, I know that brokenness is the main factor, but still, if the marriage is good in your eyes...?!?!... I don't get it. In a way I wish he had a few complaints - something we could work on, something concrete to make me feel like we're somehow making something better that he didn't like before, but he claims there's nothing. Is this unusual?

mchercheur posted 10/30/2013 22:04 PM

This stuff is crazy-making, isn't it?

Is it normal that WH claims that he had/has no issues with our marriage at all?

I can only guess, naive, that he is saying it is all about him, & his brokeness? That it had nothing to do with you?
Or else we are in the twilight zone! I just can't follow the reasoning of these cheaters.

Thessalian posted 10/30/2013 22:18 PM

Not unusual for me - that's similar to what my WH said. No complaints, never intended to leave me, loved me very much, yet involved in an LTA and meanwhile messing around with a bunch of other people.

It's impossible to process.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/31/2013 04:51 AM

Here here.
I definitely got that. Loves me, never was going to leave, I didn't do anything wrong, etc etc.
On the one hand, I see them trying to take full responsibility- as they should.
Everyone's situation is different- but mine had an EA and PA all wrapped into one.
I told him maybe NOW he realizes I am perfect :)- but what was he uoset about during the A? What things did I do that made him feel justified during the whole thing? And the hardest question to hear the answer to... What did you tell HER about me? I let him know as we stated taking that I understand he doesn't think these things NOW - but what was he thinking then?
It opened some doors for us and led us to better digging.
My bottom line with him was I WOULD NOT accept that he thought everything was peachy. What was he not getting from me, emotionally or physically that led him to think it was okay. Fog and all, I get... But giving his affection and secrets to someone else BESIDES me, means that he felt he COULDN'T or DIDN'T want to come to me for some reason- so what were those reasons?
This is such a frustrating process- we will never get all of the answers. In trying to protect me (ha ha) he wasn't able to be truthful at first. We are still working on it- everyday.
I am so sorry you are frustrated right now- I hope you find your answers.

maxandsen posted 10/31/2013 05:05 AM

Same here neither one of us have any serious complaints about the marriage pre A.

It was all him. He was unhappy with his life, not the marriage or me.

He saw a life with OW that included living in a beautiful country on the beach, going out dancing, no children, no responsibilities. OW and her friends were 20 years younger then FWH. He was turning 50.

It was all about him and his issues, not me or our marriage. It took me a long time to realize this. I too kept looking for ways to fix us but we were and are pretty damn good. Too bad he lost sight of that.

AFrayedKnot posted 10/31/2013 05:20 AM

I got the same thing right from Dday. She was happy and had no intention of leaving. It seems rare to not get any blame shifting but it does happen.

I think as BS we wish there was some blame shifting. It would give us a sense of some control. "If I could just be better in this area they wouldn't cheat again". But we all know that is bull shit.

Whether they were happy or not. The A was all about them and like you said their brokenness.

I saw many issues with our relationship that needed work. As we started working on them she started seeing how dysfunctional we really were. Looking back she now sees how she really could have been miserable but never acknowledged it. Its taken a lot of work and growth to get there though.

cantaccept posted 10/31/2013 06:01 AM

This topic drives me crazy!

Pre a our marriage was crap. No communication, too much drinking, verbal and emotional abuse.

I ask him now, why were you so angry at me? What about me made you behave that way? What could I have done differently?

His only complaint is that I was too forgiving, that I allowed him to treat me badly.

It makes me crazy. How could I have changed it? I got us into therapy, I wrote him letters, I tried to talk to him.

The only thing that we come up with when we talk and in MC and myself in IC. The only thing that I could have done differently was left him.

Now, when I refuse to accept bad treatment he responds, we talk about it. Sometimes it comes down to me reinforcing that line in the sand. He is willing to listen now, he cares now. No matter what I did pre-a, nothing was going to reach him because he did not want to be reached.

I have learned that the only thing I can control is me and that if he ever crosses that line I am now able to walk.

It is hard because that is not what I want.

I keep trying to take ownership of how I contributed to our marital problems, how did I fail. It keeps on coming back to the only one I failed, mistreated was myself.

Blobette posted 10/31/2013 07:12 AM

I'm a big ditto on this as well. He constantly talks about how great we are together, how we have so much fun, have a great marriage. Even before DD, I sometimes asked him what he didn't like about me and he would say pretty much nothing. Honestly, I was always suspicious of that, and now I think it's at least somewhat due to conflict avoidance, which is a big part of the psychology behind many As. (I mean, I KNOW I'm wonderful, but c'mon!) So one of the things we're working on is ways to deal with conflict better, as well as him being able to express emotion more generally.

In our particular case this all had a lot to do with feelings of inadequacy on his part -- he was always the designated fool in his family, a bit of a disappointment (although he ended up getting a PhD from an Ivy equivalent -- but family perceptions are set in stone!) His mother was also very controlling -- once again sending the message that he wasn't to be trusted to make good decisions. Then he entered a field that was volatile and suffered some ups and downs and THEN -- the kicker, found out he was infertile. I think this all resulted in toxic mix of inadequacy, which he couldn't express because he felt guilty because I had to undergo fertility treatment to get pregnant. So part of the reason for the A was in fact that our M was good, and he felt he didn't deserve it. I sometimes wonder if I exacerbated all of this by thinking too highly of him -- not that I put him on a pedestal or anything... I dunno.

Hope this is helpful...

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