Is it normal that WH claims that he had/has no issues with our marriage at all?
It's impossible to process.
7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.
First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014
It was all him. He was unhappy with his life, not the marriage or me.
He saw a life with OW that included living in a beautiful country on the beach, going out dancing, no children, no responsibilities. OW and her friends were 20 years younger then FWH. He was turning 50.
It was all about him and his issues, not me or our marriage. It took me a long time to realize this. I too kept looking for ways to fix us but we were and are pretty damn good. Too bad he lost sight of that.
I think as BS we wish there was some blame shifting. It would give us a sense of some control. "If I could just be better in this area they wouldn't cheat again". But we all know that is bull shit.
Whether they were happy or not. The A was all about them and like you said their brokenness.
I saw many issues with our relationship that needed work. As we started working on them she started seeing how dysfunctional we really were. Looking back she now sees how she really could have been miserable but never acknowledged it. Its taken a lot of work and growth to get there though.
Pre a our marriage was crap. No communication, too much drinking, verbal and emotional abuse.
I ask him now, why were you so angry at me? What about me made you behave that way? What could I have done differently?
His only complaint is that I was too forgiving, that I allowed him to treat me badly.
It makes me crazy. How could I have changed it? I got us into therapy, I wrote him letters, I tried to talk to him.
The only thing that we come up with when we talk and in MC and myself in IC. The only thing that I could have done differently was left him.
Now, when I refuse to accept bad treatment he responds, we talk about it. Sometimes it comes down to me reinforcing that line in the sand. He is willing to listen now, he cares now. No matter what I did pre-a, nothing was going to reach him because he did not want to be reached.
I have learned that the only thing I can control is me and that if he ever crosses that line I am now able to walk.
It is hard because that is not what I want.
I keep trying to take ownership of how I contributed to our marital problems, how did I fail. It keeps on coming back to the only one I failed, mistreated was myself.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
In our particular case this all had a lot to do with feelings of inadequacy on his part -- he was always the designated fool in his family, a bit of a disappointment (although he ended up getting a PhD from an Ivy equivalent -- but family perceptions are set in stone!) His mother was also very controlling -- once again sending the message that he wasn't to be trusted to make good decisions. Then he entered a field that was volatile and suffered some ups and downs and THEN -- the kicker, found out he was infertile. I think this all resulted in toxic mix of inadequacy, which he couldn't express because he felt guilty because I had to undergo fertility treatment to get pregnant. So part of the reason for the A was in fact that our M was good, and he felt he didn't deserve it. I sometimes wonder if I exacerbated all of this by thinking too highly of him -- not that I put him on a pedestal or anything... I dunno.
Hope this is helpful...