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Need to lie to my kids!

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Pass posted 10/30/2013 22:12 PM

Fuck! November 15 is the anniversary of the day I found out the Princess is a whore. I'm not sure how I will handle that.

Since it's a Friday night, the night I usually get the boys, I told her that I have plans that night, and will get the boys on the Saturday instead. This gives me the freedom to lose my shit, if there is a need. I have covered MANY times that she needed to have extra time without the boys.

To her credit, she said yes right away, and didn't ask why.

I was planning on telling the boys about it this weekend. She must have mentioned it to them, because 13 texted me, asking why they aren't coming that Friday.

Of course, the boys don't know their mom fucked around; they just think we grew apart, and hadn't been getting along lately.

I could easily say that I have to be away for work, and they would believe me. The problem: Since my suicide attempt, and stay in the psych ward, honesty has become VERY important to me - and even more so after finding out The Princess screwed around.

I tell the boys a lot about what I do all week when they're not here, so I would have to build lies on top of lies.

I just don't know what'n fuck to do about this. I CAN'T tell them the truth.

Would love to hear as many suggestions as possible, please!


Nature_Girl posted 10/30/2013 22:46 PM

I've flat out told my kids that they aren't old enough to know about or understand the very grown-up issues, so I simply am NOT going to tell them the details. They do know that Daddy broke the promises that husbands make to their wives on their wedding day. But they don't actually know what those promises are. I'm sure they will some day, but for now I'm not going there with them.

Also, I didn't want to do or say anything to the kids during this long divorce process that could be used against me for custody decisions.

STBX has told the kids that the divorce is my fault, that I wanted it, that he would have moved back home & everything could have gone back the way it used to be if only I'd let him. I confronted that lie with them directly and with both counselors.

I have NOT lied to my kids about any of this. Like you, honesty is everything to me. I have told them there is information they aren't ready for yet, but that when the time comes they will be told what I think they need to know.

Thefly559 posted 10/30/2013 23:02 PM

My kids are 9 and 7 and I just tell them that they will understand everything one day , but today the do not need to know . Only that it had nothing to do with them and that both daddy and mommy love them. The kids suffer so much , it is horrible. The whore could care less! Sick?

persevere posted 10/30/2013 23:56 PM

Considering their knowledge of the suicide attempt I think I you should consider a comforting answer - even if it's a lie. They have already had to deal with so much adult information at such a young age.

I could be wrong but unless you can phrase it in a way that makes them feel okay you may have to bend the truth a bit or they will be worrying the whole time until they see you.

Nature_Girl posted 10/31/2013 00:27 AM

What do they already know about the reason for the divorce?

Pass posted 10/31/2013 00:50 AM

NG, they know little about the reason for divorce. We told them we were unhappy with each other, and had tried to stay married, but it just didn't work out. And that stuck in my throat at the time.

I was texting with my sister, and she suggested telling them that it was a day of the year that makes me sad, and it would be best if I spent the night reflecting on that alone. I thought that sounded good - and it's the truth - until I read what Persevere just said:

Considering their knowledge of the suicide attempt I think I you should consider a comforting answer - even if it's a lie. They have already had to deal with so much adult information at such a young age.

They both worry so much about me since my suicide attempt. I don't want to give them a sleepless night, worrying that I might try again. They both get very concerned when I use the word "sad".

Maybe I should just suck it up and tell them I'll be away for work?

[This message edited by pass at 12:52 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

Nature_Girl posted 10/31/2013 00:59 AM

I was kind of thinking the opposite. Persevere is definitely on to something, which is what sparked me to ask the question.

I'm thinking of my relationship with my kids. I've been as responsibly transparent with them as I can be & still be a good parent. My gut instinct would be to be age-appropriately open with them if I were in your position. Let them know that this Friday is the anniversary date of when you found out some really hurtful information (that you're not going to share at this time). Kids know about anniversaries, they get that certain dates of the year can be significant. I think if you let them know that you're already having some big feelings come up about that date, that you're anticipating that you might be feeling not yourself on Friday, they would understand.

But here's the important part. I'm wondering if you need to be a little open about the suicide attempt. This might be a good time to tell them how deeply you regret what you did and why you won't do it again or even think about it (assuming that's true). Let them know you've been working hard on yourself, learning better ways to think about life. Tell them that you have no plans to harm yourself this Friday, but instead you want to give yourself some space to have reactions as your thoughts naturally turn to some adult memories & pain. Perhaps if you set up a couple of times that you will make contact with them so they can be reassured during the night that you're okay.

Pass posted 10/31/2013 01:16 AM

Good points, NG. I actually have been very open with them about my suicide, my meds, my therapy, etc.

And yes, a few months after that, I was finally able to say that suicide is no longer in my mind as a possible solution. I have promised the boys that it will never happen again - and I mean it.

Nature_Girl posted 10/31/2013 01:43 AM

Then this is probably the direction you need to take it. Don't keep this a secret (that you need some space to deal with your adult feelings). Let them see you model a responsible, healthy adult who is handling some hard shit.

Also, you need to inoculate your kids with the truth, because if there's anything we know about your bitch WW, it's that she lies & manipulates. I don't want her to fill your sons' heads with bullshit.

LadyQ posted 10/31/2013 06:24 AM

I think I would be honest with them at an age appropriate level. If they know about your suicide attempt and you can talk about them with that, when you lie about needing time to process that anniversary, you are making that more "critical", which will probably prompt more fear and insecurity in your kids. ESPECIALLY if they find out about your lie. Be honest, tell them Friday is a rough day, reassure them that you are NOT going to try to harm yourself. Once they see on Saturday that you are OK, that will reassure them that you can handle a crisis and come out on top. Be honest with your kids.

ButterflyGirl posted 10/31/2013 07:45 AM

Hey pass. I know these antiversaries suck. I just had mine. It's now been a year since I found out my marriage is a sham..

Do you have any plans? I made some plans with friends and got out of town and stayed at a cheap hotel on the beachfront.. It has really helped me to start making new memories on the most hurtful days. I'm "taking them back" so to speak..

You like music, right? Is there a concert or something you could go to?

I would probably just tell the boys that you have plans, some friends invited you somewhere, something along those lines. I would stay away from things like "It's a sad day for me," since whatever excuse you use is probably going to get back to your ex.. She doesn't need to know or deserve to know any of your business or feelings, so I wouldn't tell your kids anything that you don't want her to hear..

Sorry you have a tough day coming up. I hope you can find something fun and distracting to do. The whore doesn't deserve your headspace..

homewrecked2011 posted 10/31/2013 08:15 AM

I'm wondering why your children don't know your wife cheated?

I didn't want to tell my children, but my children's counselor was insistent that they be told the truth gently...the counselor and I sat them down and told them that I hid our true financial picture from their Dad and that he felt that was unacceptable to him and he wanted a divorce.

We told them that their father was seeing OW during our marriage and that that behavior was unacceptable to me. Their father was offered the opportunity to go to counseling and save the marriage but was unwilling to do so.

My counselor said that it was better for them to know this much of the truth than to walk around only hearing XWH side and seeing me fall apart for no apparant reason.

Telling your children only you grew apart is a lie, and your suicide attempt is further hiding the truth from them..this is all just my opinion,,,fyi...

Just my opinion,,,,how about you taking your children to counseling 1 day a week to help process everything with a counselor with or without your XW there???

I also would not tell them you are staying home because you are sad, I would say you have been invited to be with friends that night.. We are your friends!!!!!

If you are straightforward with your children on your suicide attempt and counseling, etc, they deserve to know it wasnt' all you!

Also, my children's counselor said to envision a long dirt road that is being graveled. You unload some gravel, spread it out, then move to the next are, unload more gravel, spread it out....etc. She said this was the best way to give them information in a healthy way.

*****FYI the OW my XWH is with, screwed around on her first H with his boss/friend. Her first H did kill the OM and them himself. These deaths did nothing to stop the behavior of OW, as my H is one of 3 that I know of.*****...OW and 1st H had a 1 year old daughter. This girl is now 16. Her daddy is the one who should have gotten to see her grow up and be there for her now. This knowledge helped me thru many dark nights,,,as it is MY honor and Privilege to see my children grow up. Please continue with your treatment plan,,, they need you in their life... I also had to go to psych hospital due to all this mess!!! My 1 year divorce date is today...

Our children need us and deserve us! You and I are going to present them with a different picture than the one our spouses present them,,,I have many friends that say their parents were divorced and that they modeled the behavior of the "healthy" parent and felt safer with that parent and learned how NOT to be a parent from the behavior of the cheating spouse.....


[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:17 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

Ashland13 posted 10/31/2013 08:20 AM

FWIW, I've told DD on trigger days that they are days of the year with hard or painful memories for mom.

And I told her that her dad was off living his own life with a girlfriend while he was married and I let her process it. He forced it on her and I told him I would not lie to her or anyone.

At her school the kids already know more terminology than I ever did anyway. I told her the truth without diagrams or explicit details because I felt that she wasn't getting a fair chance at the truth any other way.

And so right now she is trying to "accept" Ow but struggling...and I vomit every time I know she is in contact. She's horribly confused and they are playing on that, showing her the high life and so on.

It's a horrible spot to be put in, at the hands of other people. And kids don't choose to be where they are, but are put in the fate line like adults.

FirstLoveGone posted 10/31/2013 09:38 AM

I may be in the minority here, but I see no reason for you to tell your kids anything about the day and your feelings about it. I think that is way too much pressure to put on them. They will worry about you and also associate negative feelings about the day.

There is a fine line between being honest and sharing too much.

All you need to say is that you have other plans, which is true. It doesn't matter if the plans are to spend the day at home, in the dark, with your PJs on.

Your kids are already processing a lot. Please don't unnecessarily add to their load.

Pass posted 10/31/2013 11:08 AM

homewrecked2011: Thanks. Yes, I am definitely continuing with my treatment. At this point in my life, I am consistently much happier than I have ever been before - which may give you an indication of how miserable I was before!

I've decided that instead of PLANNING to lose my shit that night, I will plan something fun. I found a concert I would like to go to that night. Now I have solid plans that I can tell the boys.

No lies necessary, no mysterious "plans" that leave them wondering how they could be more important than our time together, no having to skirt around the issues of what could be making me sad that night.

Thanks for your guidance, y'all.

Nature_Girl posted 10/31/2013 11:40 AM

Group hug!

EvenKeel posted 10/31/2013 12:03 PM

I've decided that instead of PLANNING to lose my shit that night, I will plan something fun.

I found nothing makes me keep my self together like having my kids around.

Now that you have decided to reclaim that day and do something fun, could you do it with your kids?

It would be a win-win?

Pass posted 10/31/2013 14:37 PM

EvenKeel, that's a good idea, but my kids are my crutch that get me through every weekend. During the week we do regular texting and FaceTime chats, which also helps me.

I think I'll do this on my own. No leaning on anyone. That way I still have the freedom to be sad if I want.

persevere posted 10/31/2013 20:50 PM

Great idea pass. Way to go.

homewrecked2011 posted 10/31/2013 22:40 PM

Great idea, Pass! Our future is different than we planned, but it is going to be a good, healthy, solid future with many good memories of life, living, watching our children grow up!

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