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As you can imagine, emotions are very high. BH wants OM to feel pain because he is. I have talked him out of confronting him physically several times. OM is married and his BW does not know about the A. Should I suggest my H tell her to make him feel better or is it better for H to decide that on his own (if he does at all)

Stopping him from getting physical is a good solution...nothing positive will come of that.

I think you should sit down and talk to your H and you both come up with a plan on how he should tell the BW.

She does need to know, but the news needs to be broken to her gently and with facts only. Remind your H that he's about to blindside her, so compassion should be shown when telling her.

Hold steady

So how does that work? Would the BW and my BH continue in contact or would he just give her the info and let the rest be resolved in their marriage? I have no proof of the A and my BH only knows about it because I confessed. What if OM denies it?

No proof? Are you sure? Not a single telling physical or digital thing?

What about intimate physical attributes?

There's almost always proof I would think.

My xAP's husband told my BW. He's never confronted me. If he did I'd both apologize and thank him. My wife and he met a few times to compare notes and he gave her correspondence. They decided on high road for both family's kids sakes - i.e. he didn't confront me. It's been silence for 18 months until he sent my BW a note recently saying he was getting a divorce, and wondering how she was doing. Sad.

Well I guess physical attributes. Now H is saying he does not want to contact her. He is so enraged. I have not given him the illusion that the OM is more at fault than I am. Should I keep telling my H it is my fault too or would that look like I am defending OM? Oh this is so hard. How could I do this?!

It's something I feel she should know.
I didn't confess like you did my OW's husband caught her with another couple and started digging and found me shortly after the affair ended. He confronted me and long story short made me tell my wife. I bring this up because I did so many bad things to cover up my affair is was all I thought about was how not to get caught. My plan was to get over let her move away and live with it in secret for the rest of my life. I actually thought that was a good idea. I don't and will never know what that would done to me but I can say in hindsight that it probably would have destroyed me slowly and who knows. I would only think that he needs to be given only one choice and that's he can decide who's going to tell her.

I agree with no physical force. I actually started crying when other women's husband started telling
Me what that had done to him.

Just food for thought ultimately you need to support your husband wishes first

Try to stop overanalyzing your responses to him and answer with the truth.

You are trying to control his reactions with what you say. That's not helpful. This is very early on and he is traumatized and processing all of it.