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Is there ever just one A.

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ruby44 posted 10/31/2013 04:08 AM

I found out a few days ago about an A that for as far as I can tell has been going on since August.
WH does not know I know yet. He is out of town on "business" . She happens to work at the same company and is attending the convention because I called the hotel and asked for her room.
I have told a few very close friends/sisters about what is going on and a few of them believe that the one you discover is never the first one.
So I have been racking my brain about past events that don't make sense and it is driving me crazy. How common is just one A for a WS?

cantgetup posted 10/31/2013 05:15 AM

Well as my H says there always has to be a first. Ok. So for 24 years of marriage you were the model of fidelity and then all of a sudden after all that time you want me to believe this was the first? I can't do it. Even if there was no prior A, there were prior incidents of poor behavior. You just don't wake up one day and decide to go into a full on A without having ever been on the edge before, right? My H and i were up very late last night on this very topic. It sucks. After 2 years of going through the healing, there is no way in hell he's going to tell me now. Why would he? He was
never kicked out, is still at home, there is no upside to him fessing up to more at this point. If I had to do it over, I would have insisted on some separation of some kind as a way to make sure I got it all. I think then I would have everything, as his entire motivation was to stay together.

Bobbi_sue posted 10/31/2013 07:52 AM

Every situation is different. It may be the first A, or it may not be.

But some clues to think about are: Has he been acting different lately? I'm guessing you suspected he was having an A and that is why you called the hotel, is that right? I'm also guessing you had lots of signs for a while things were not right.

The question is, were there other periods in your marriage that seemed like this as well?

If not, it is entirely possible this is the first A. There has to be a first one though for some (not all) that first one happens early on.

My H has only had an A with one woman. He has been married three times, and the A was with the same OW in marriages #1 & #3 (didn't cheat on #2).

SI Staff posted 10/31/2013 08:02 AM


Got to love when a kitten walks on your keyboard and makes a post by Staff.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:08 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 10/31/2013 08:05 AM

For us, yes absolutely it was just one A.

He went through such a change in his personality, I know that he is not capable of doing what he did without those things happening.

It took me 6 months of digging, searching, and begging for the truth, before I finally got my evidence, I knew something was up that entire time, just didn't have proof. So yes I am sure that it was the only one.

jo2love posted 10/31/2013 08:07 AM

I think it's possible. My x was emotionally/physically abused and cheated on. He hit mid 30's. It upped his insecurity and depression kicked in. It was pretty obvious when the A started. Once it ended, he didn't have another one.

I think it depends on the person. Some are devastated by their actions, do the work on themselves, and never cheat again.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:10 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

toomanyregrets posted 10/31/2013 08:15 AM

I only know of one for sure but I have a feeling that fWW had one six years before. The pizza shop where she was working would close at 9:00 PM. We only lived 5 miles away but she wouldn't get home 'til 10:00.
Her excuse was that they had to clean up, but I know for a fact that they would start cleaning at 8:30. But since I can't proove anything it's just a nagging feeling.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 10:19 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

Tred posted 10/31/2013 08:43 AM

I can only speak from my own experience, but the answer unfortunately would be no. While there are a lot of similarities during the A and A related behavior I expect that they get there on their path. For some, I expect getting caught and working on their selves means they learned how damaging it was, others just don't do the work and repeat the behavior.

Kelany posted 10/31/2013 08:58 AM

In my case, no, there wasn't just one, there were four.

ruby44 posted 10/31/2013 09:53 AM

Thanks all, his personality has changed completely. Looks at me with such disgust and contempt as if I forced him to become that man.

Moved out 2 weeks ago saying he needs space, never contacts our young daughters unless they make first contact. Texts them at 11:45 pm on a school night just to say he loves them.
The thing is at the convention are mutual friends of ours that we have as a couple socialized with. So I guess they really love to live dangerously because this could really mess up his career and hers.

Dance4Me posted 10/31/2013 09:58 AM

I initially thought it was only a one time thing. Three days before dday, he disclosed while away on business (without me having any evidence) an EA that lasted three years from back in 2003-2005. He came home from that west coast trip and disclosed on my actual dday a recent ONS that previous summer. Two weeks later, he admitted that the ONS was actually a two night hookup with same woman. None of it made any sense to me, as I had grown up with my H (dated since 14/15) and I didn't think he was capable of just starting cheating like that - and our marriage seemed pretty good to me.

So I went and obtained cell phone records, and in them, I discovered his total addiction with texting and calling very young and out of town coworkers. And from there, I realized that my H was living in his own altered reality which enabled him to go down that slippery slope of adultery. He had seven years of poor boundaries that led up to his two time sex act with OW.

If one is lucky, I do think you can catch a spouse in their first escapade, but in my experience, I tend to think there is more than one in a WS's marital history.

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 11:28 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

Williesmom posted 10/31/2013 09:58 AM

In my case, there was at least one other.

Whoreface told me " Did you know that I'm not his first XXXXXX?" His other whore had the same first name as Whoreface - bizarre, because it was almost like she was proud about the fact that she got to tell me about it.

Oldernotwiser posted 10/31/2013 10:09 AM

In my case there were 2 affairs and attempts to start affairs where the girls didn't go for the bait. Is it poor boundaries if they are trying to start an affair ? He knew he was trying to set the stage , so he must have known he was intentionally crossing boundaries. He has a history of flirtatious behaviors, he kind of enjoys the edge of the cliff. He likes to think he is in control and can control whether he goes farther or not. The feelings of the other person matter not, he loves the game.

OldCow18 posted 10/31/2013 10:13 AM

I only know of one affair, and he changed so much during it that I caught on very quickly. I would be surprised to find there were other full on affairs, but I would not be surprised to find there were one night stands. I do know there was inappropriate behavior for sure, for at least the last 3-4 years, thanks to Facebook and texting.

I have to agree that most times it's in the person's make up. I mean, you don't just do this out of the blue one day while claiming to be a very happily married man who loves his family above all else. You just don't.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 10:14 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]

Holly-Isis posted 10/31/2013 12:10 PM

Like others have said- it often includes poor boundaries from much before the A.

If there's another depends on the level of true remorse the WS has afterwards. IMO they might have it, but if the A isn't outed, then when whatever issues that caused the A in the first place bubble back up, it increases the chance of another A.

Kierst13 posted 10/31/2013 13:40 PM

Like others have said- it often includes poor boundaries from much before the A.

I agree. My WS was always very flirty with women and it never bothered me. Anywhere we went he would "innocently" flirt with the cashier, waitress, or whomever. It never bothered me before DDay, and I even thought it was funny many times, because after all, he was going home with me.

I now see flirting for what it really is. A need for attention from a woman other than his wife. It is dangerous, a red flag and never "innocent".

Ostrich80 posted 10/31/2013 13:45 PM

I'm almost positive there wasn't one before but maybe since.

MrsDoubtfire posted 10/31/2013 13:50 PM

I now see flirting for what it really is. A need for attention from a woman other than his wife. It is dangerous, a red flag and never "innocent".

This ^^^^

I suspect FWH had others although he denies, denies, denies as his OW told me she was warned OFF him as his colleagues said he was a ladies man

That smacked me right between the eyes I can tell you.

Now- FWH makes sure to nto flirt with other women and always mentions his wife (me) in all conversations with women so they know he is a family man.

I ased him ouotright if there were previous A's and he swore on the Bible there were none. I doubt he could do that with his faith if it weren't true... but he DID confess to never being faithful to his 1st wife so I was still shocked as I didn't realise!

RidingHealingRd posted 10/31/2013 21:33 PM

If the WS truly understands the depth of the destruction he/she has caused, wants desperately never to repeat it, and works daily to be a better person with a strong moral compass then there will be only one A.

One thing is for certain,,,In my M there will only be one A. Eyes wide open and heart ready to kick his ass to the curb if ever he engages in another A.

PhantomLimb posted 11/1/2013 00:28 AM

I'm confident there weren't any others before this year but, in some sense, I think that was more or less a function of opportunity. We were getting our graduate degrees in the same place, taking the same classes and then going home with work up to our eyeballs. He couldn't have pulled it off.

This year our first "real" jobs separated us for a couple of months... and boom. He found an OW.

On DDay, he raged at me that we had done a great job "isolating" him all of these years. I think he was talking primarily about his penis.

But even if we were happy and faithful for most of our M, I can tell you this: when I met him, he was dating another girl and hitting on me. Sometimes in front of her. He tried to kiss me one afternoon when we were just sitting on a bench talking and I ducked and told him off. Told him he couldn't even speak to me about a romantic relationship until he had fully broken it off with her. And, even after he did, I made him wait several months until I would date him. But I should have seen his boundaries were bad right there.

There was one woman I knew he had a thing for early on in our M. I think he would have started something with her if she were receptive. But she had a good head on her shoulders and soon moved away. He kept in email contact with her (and I'll admit I occasionally checked their exchanges). But she kept it above board and he never pushed it.

And in the two or three years leading up to his A, there were two incidents. One involved him trying to spend the night at an old friend's house (a woman) after a ski trip. But I flipped my shit when I he called me and told me his little plan and he had to get in the car and drive home. But he tried.

The second was when we moved out of state for his new job and he went on an orientation trip with a coworker he knew from a previous job. He told me he had his own room. But one night he called and I heard her in the background. When he came back, I confronted him and he admitted they shared a cabin with separate rooms. He said he lied because the employer had made the reservations for them, he thought it would make me mad, but he didn't want to rock the boat.

That coworker was never the same with him after that trip. She stopped taking his meetings. She told their boss she wanted him transferred, etc etc. He got incredibly hostile when the subject of her came up. And this was someone we used to go out to dinner with...

So I wonder if he tried something and got rejected.

Many other women in his office also began having issues with him and quit or requested transfers after I left. So that makes me wonder as well. To some extent, I think it's possible OW might have been the only one who accepted his advances.

And on our anniversary a month ago, another coworker of his called me ask me, among other things, why we really broke up and to tell me his side of the S (all lies) and that she couldn't find him, had been texting him all day and that she was afraid he was off with OW. So, you know, probably another OW right there.

And I can also tell now that some of his previous relationship timelines don't add up.

So I think I lucked out that our life circumstances, and lack of a willing partner, forced him to keep it in his pants for a decade +. We had a good M for those years.

I wish that I had found this stuff out about him and/or put it together years ago-- but I'm glad I more or less ended it immediately and didn't take his blameshifting BS. Good luck to him.

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