But some clues to think about are: Has he been acting different lately? I'm guessing you suspected he was having an A and that is why you called the hotel, is that right? I'm also guessing you had lots of signs for a while things were not right.
The question is, were there other periods in your marriage that seemed like this as well?
If not, it is entirely possible this is the first A. There has to be a first one though for some (not all) that first one happens early on.
My H has only had an A with one woman. He has been married three times, and the A was with the same OW in marriages #1 & #3 (didn't cheat on #2).
Got to love when a kitten walks on your keyboard and makes a post by Staff.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:08 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]
He went through such a change in his personality, I know that he is not capable of doing what he did without those things happening.
It took me 6 months of digging, searching, and begging for the truth, before I finally got my evidence, I knew something was up that entire time, just didn't have proof. So yes I am sure that it was the only one.
I think it depends on the person. Some are devastated by their actions, do the work on themselves, and never cheat again.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:10 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]
[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 10:19 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife "Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart. Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Bla
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Moved out 2 weeks ago saying he needs space, never contacts our young daughters unless they make first contact. Texts them at 11:45 pm on a school night just to say he loves them. The thing is at the convention are mutual friends of ours that we have as a couple socialized with. So I guess they really love to live dangerously because this could really mess up his career and hers.
So I went and obtained cell phone records, and in them, I discovered his total addiction with texting and calling very young and out of town coworkers. And from there, I realized that my H was living in his own altered reality which enabled him to go down that slippery slope of adultery. He had seven years of poor boundaries that led up to his two time sex act with OW.
If one is lucky, I do think you can catch a spouse in their first escapade, but in my experience, I tend to think there is more than one in a WS's marital history.
[This message edited by Dance4Me at 11:28 AM, November 1st (Friday)]
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis
Whoreface told me " Did you know that I'm not his first XXXXXX?" His other whore had the same first name as Whoreface - bizarre, because it was almost like she was proud about the fact that she got to tell me about it.
I have to agree that most times it's in the person's make up. I mean, you don't just do this out of the blue one day while claiming to be a very happily married man who loves his family above all else. You just don't.
[This message edited by OldCow18 at 10:14 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]
If there's another depends on the level of true remorse the WS has afterwards. IMO they might have it, but if the A isn't outed, then when whatever issues that caused the A in the first place bubble back up, it increases the chance of another A.
Like others have said- it often includes poor boundaries from much before the A.
I agree. My WS was always very flirty with women and it never bothered me. Anywhere we went he would "innocently" flirt with the cashier, waitress, or whomever. It never bothered me before DDay, and I even thought it was funny many times, because after all, he was going home with me.
I now see flirting for what it really is. A need for attention from a woman other than his wife. It is dangerous, a red flag and never "innocent".
This ^^^^
I suspect FWH had others although he denies, denies, denies as his OW told me she was warned OFF him as his colleagues said he was a ladies man
That smacked me right between the eyes I can tell you.
Now- FWH makes sure to nto flirt with other women and always mentions his wife (me) in all conversations with women so they know he is a family man.
I ased him ouotright if there were previous A's and he swore on the Bible there were none. I doubt he could do that with his faith if it weren't true... but he DID confess to never being faithful to his 1st wife so I was still shocked as I didn't realise!
One thing is for certain,,,In my M there will only be one A. Eyes wide open and heart ready to kick his ass to the curb if ever he engages in another A.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
This year our first "real" jobs separated us for a couple of months... and boom. He found an OW.
On DDay, he raged at me that we had done a great job "isolating" him all of these years. I think he was talking primarily about his penis.
But even if we were happy and faithful for most of our M, I can tell you this: when I met him, he was dating another girl and hitting on me. Sometimes in front of her. He tried to kiss me one afternoon when we were just sitting on a bench talking and I ducked and told him off. Told him he couldn't even speak to me about a romantic relationship until he had fully broken it off with her. And, even after he did, I made him wait several months until I would date him. But I should have seen his boundaries were bad right there.
There was one woman I knew he had a thing for early on in our M. I think he would have started something with her if she were receptive. But she had a good head on her shoulders and soon moved away. He kept in email contact with her (and I'll admit I occasionally checked their exchanges). But she kept it above board and he never pushed it.
And in the two or three years leading up to his A, there were two incidents. One involved him trying to spend the night at an old friend's house (a woman) after a ski trip. But I flipped my shit when I he called me and told me his little plan and he had to get in the car and drive home. But he tried.
The second was when we moved out of state for his new job and he went on an orientation trip with a coworker he knew from a previous job. He told me he had his own room. But one night he called and I heard her in the background. When he came back, I confronted him and he admitted they shared a cabin with separate rooms. He said he lied because the employer had made the reservations for them, he thought it would make me mad, but he didn't want to rock the boat.
That coworker was never the same with him after that trip. She stopped taking his meetings. She told their boss she wanted him transferred, etc etc. He got incredibly hostile when the subject of her came up. And this was someone we used to go out to dinner with...
So I wonder if he tried something and got rejected.
Many other women in his office also began having issues with him and quit or requested transfers after I left. So that makes me wonder as well. To some extent, I think it's possible OW might have been the only one who accepted his advances.
And on our anniversary a month ago, another coworker of his called me ask me, among other things, why we really broke up and to tell me his side of the S (all lies) and that she couldn't find him, had been texting him all day and that she was afraid he was off with OW. So, you know, probably another OW right there.
And I can also tell now that some of his previous relationship timelines don't add up.
So I think I lucked out that our life circumstances, and lack of a willing partner, forced him to keep it in his pants for a decade +. We had a good M for those years.
I wish that I had found this stuff out about him and/or put it together years ago-- but I'm glad I more or less ended it immediately and didn't take his blameshifting BS. Good luck to him.
