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Separation impact on R

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roarlouder posted 10/31/2013 11:25 AM

At this point, I don't know if we'll get through this. He's been honest, we are working on MC and IC... In a limbo stage, but I guess trying to see if we can/want to work through this.

For those who are in R, did you do any separation? I am wondering if it would be a good idea or not. Part of me thinks it may be good to help us both figure out what we want (he says he wants me, but I know he's terrified we'll stay together and be miserable with no trust). My thinking is space (me in a new place) might remove the fear of being alone, starting over which may help me decide for the right reasons what to do. And he might realize what kind of a life he wants, and come at a decision honestly.
I envision this with us still talking, still seeing each other, MC, etc but some alone time and separation.

Any advice would be appreciated. I should also note I am leaving for work for a few weeks, so that will give us time apart...but I wonder if the reason why we are apart changes the experience of the time apart?

Truth be told, I want him to either decide he's absolutely miserable without me, or that he could walk away and start fresh.

StillStanding1 posted 10/31/2013 17:42 PM

Hoping some wiser souls will jump on with some advice.

I can tell you my sitch, but not sure how it will affect you.

According to "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" and our MC, the decision to separate should be the BS's, if you are trying to R. So, it should be your decision, either way. And your decision when the S is over (or permanent).

That said, it didn't go down like that for me. My WH had already rented an apartment. He decided to try to R after DDay when we told the kids about the S and he saw the devastation he had caused.

In my case, WH wanted his own space to "grieve" . I'm not convinced it's been helpful to our R attempts, as it is really hard to find time to work on R when you have 3 active teens, jobs, and a house. Plus he's a workout junkie and puts more time and effort into that.

Most people have advised that we would be better able to R with him present. I agree. He's had some bad waffling and also a lot of self-loathing. However, he's been able to escape witnessing a lot of the fallout of his choices and I've been left to try to compose myself for my kids' sakes and keep their lives as "normal" as possible. It's been VERY hard for me.

He is now talking (again) about moving back in. (Stop, I've heard this before...)

In any case, my story aside, I think that a S can be worthwhile if used appropriately to help you heal and gain clarity. That's really up for YOU to decide. I really wish you well in your recovery and quest for answers.

realitybites posted 10/31/2013 17:56 PM

I am of the route that a S should be a real S. Why get S if you need space yet still see each other?

I drew a hard line. I think when you waffle in S just like if you waffle in R it just does not work.

S means learning to find yourself again, let the reigns go. Now many people on here don't believe that, they think there should be "rules" to a separation. If a WS still wants to have options while not living with you then what the heck are you doing as a BS? Except still waiting around for the WS to make up their mind?

So I did a S where I did not check up on him, I did not call him, email, text, etc...if he wanted to live apart? Then he and I both needed to do that to learn to live either on our own or not at all. And please know the WS is taking a chance that you as the BS will find out that you really LIKE living on your own and without them and their drama.

I truly do believe when you let go and do not check up on them or badger them or call them or whine to just let go, you will find out if they really want you and your marriage or not. If they walk they were going to do it anyway.

Be brave and figure out your own life and your own dreams. S is very hard. Not going to lie. But its like ripping off the bandaid this way and finding out for sure if this is what you both want.


Simple posted 10/31/2013 18:06 PM

My FWH never wanted to S if we're going to try R. He said he will not consider an S and would just go directly to D and get it over with. He didn't even want to have separate bedrooms! I was mad thinking it should be my decision. But what he said made sense looking back now. S means you're learning to live apart and be individuals. R means you're rebuilding the relationship as s couple. Again, that's me and him. Even though he cheated he knows me. And a trial S would be doom for R. I would've moved on without him and he knew it. So in essence it wouldn't have been fair to "lead him on" if I was going to D him anyway. Although I never saw it that way then, I can see clearly now that when I said S to him after DDay, I really meant "screw you, I'm out of here".

6 years now after a long difficult R, never S and stronger than ever.

To each their own. Others have even D and got back together and re-married!!!

The main difference is the motivation. R is a fail unless you're both 100% into it. Good luck.

TXBW68 posted 10/31/2013 23:14 PM

We were separated for 10 months because he lurved her, not me. It was not a trial separation. I treated it like a divorce. We had a formal separation agreement in place. We used the state standard for visitation and I received child support.

It was so freaking hard! I tried multiple times to talk some sense into him in the beginning. But he was determined. So I had no choice but to let him go. I went NC except for kids/finances. Stopped letting him in the house at exchange times. He just kept telling me that "this is the path my life must take right now. She is my true lurve, my soulmate."

Once I told him that I had spoken to a lawyer and was ready to set up the divorce, he broke down. We had been separated 6 months by then. We started talking again, then dating and eventually he moved home.

In our case, the separation gave him a chance to grow up, to realize the truth of his life, and to appreciate what he had for 20 years! Unfortunately, it was probably the best thing for our marriage. But it has left permanent scars on all 4 of us.

IMO, I would not pursue a "trial" separation with rules like you can't see other people. I don't believe in using separation as a tool to win the wayward back. To me, if you are going to separate, you need to be willing to act as if you are divorcing. Otherwise, why separate to begin with??

heforgotme posted 11/1/2013 11:51 AM

For those who are in R, did you do any separation? I am wondering if it would be a good idea or not

Honestly, I have always wished for this.

It implies a true "wanting to reconcile: rather than
"this was easier".

I wonder and will always wonder what he would have chosen...........

eyesrnowopen posted 11/2/2013 13:21 PM

Ahhh this is a hard topic for me but cuts right into the core. We have been separated 8 months. I think in some aspects it has been therapeutic for both of us but it is also confusing.

On DD I threw him out. I would break into a cold sweat when I saw him. I know now it was ptsd and I was devastated. During this phase I was in shock and envisioned he would become remorseful and sorry. Instead he became more and more mean and angry.

Then I calmed down and became civil and he got angrier. He tried to use control with the finances to muscle his way back in the house. He was mean. I had divorce papers signed. During this phase, I was able to face my biggest fears, being alone and financially vulnerable. I became stronger and joined a divorce support group. Educated myself on divorce. took out low interest loan to consolidate my credit cards he refused to pay. protected my assets. I became stronger and realized I can have a life without him.

I think he realized I meant business. This was it. He rented a place and moved out of his mother's. He became calmer and now wants to work on the marriage. We are in MC now with a new MC who seems to helping. He now understands my pain and why I threw him out.

I never meant for us to separate when I threw him out, it just evolved. As a result, I can approach R from a stronger and healthier perspective because S has forced me to face my fears. I think my WH also would not be doing the work now he is doing if we were never separated.

I think S has been healing for each of us individually. On the down side, it makes limbo more confusing. I agree with Txbw that being separated and trying to work on the marriage is hard. If you S you need to be prepared to let go of M. One foot is in M and one in S. . I hope we can eventually approach R in a healthier place but is it good for the M? I'm not sure yet?

[This message edited by eyesrnowopen at 1:22 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

mellie99 posted 11/3/2013 08:39 AM

My WH and I are still currently S; I've been gone since Aug. 24th. It hasn't been easy but for us it was definitely necessary, as it forced both of us to acknowledge that there were problems in our relationship that could no longer be ignored.

We talk maybe a few times a week via text or phone calls, but nothing major. Conversation has increased because I am due to give birth to our first child any day now so he is planning to be here on the 7th (I'm due the 8th). We have both been in IC and I can see it has helped tremendously, though there is definitely still work to be done in our marriage. Right now I would like to say that I want to go back home and work on our marriage, but I think seeing how things work out during the delivery and after will be a good clue as to where things stand for us.

So long story short from my perspective S helping really depends on the couple. Like I said earlier I think it was absolutely necessary for us and thank God I have the support of my family so it was actually an option. It has been a strain financially and I know things are going to be difficult if/when I return, but I do not regret this decision and again thank God that I had the chance to get away, get healthier for this baby, reconnect with family and really take the time to see if this marriage is something I genuinely want or if it's just a matter of comfort and convenience. I learned that the idea of being along and a single mother is not so bad, and it was something I know I feared for years, so hopefully if you do decide to S it can alleviate some of those concerns for you as well so you can make a clear decision. Good luck to you.

whattheh posted 11/3/2013 12:28 PM

We did not separate. Neither of us wanted to and I'm one of those that wanted him close by.

hopefulhackaway posted 11/5/2013 08:01 AM

I have a similar question to the original posted by roarlouder. This is long...

My partner and I were not married, but were together for 10 years. I am the wayward partner. I cheated 3 times with one person over the course of a week. I then lied about it for the next 6 weeks before I became truly ashamed and remorseful for my actions.
Up until I cheated, we were each otherís only sexual partner and just plain partner. We were each otherís firsts, and I use to think lasts...

I was terrified of telling him because I knew I would lose him. I eventually realized that I had to tell him because I loved and respected him so much. He deserved the truth. I I knew he would leave. I accepted that he would leave but I still have hope for a future for us. I knew that our only real chance at an honest relationship in the future meant that I had to tell him everything.

D-Day was Oct. 28th. He left. He has initiated contact with me this past week through text. Mostly the contact has been negative. Him going through the a wide range of negative emotions. He will say hurtful things and sad things. But mostly what he communicates is that we are done. He is done and does not want R.

I have communicated that I want R and that I am willing to do anything for it. Quit my job, get counseling, give him passwords to everything, etc. I have been keeping a daily diary of my day-to-day activities, my thoughts, feelings, fears, emotions. The diary is where I share all the things I wish I could still share with my love, my partner, my best friend. I am also writing him a letter explaining the details of the cheating and lying, what I was going through leading up to the cheating and lying, during it, and now after it.

He knows I am writing all of this for him. He has asked to read my daily diary entries.

He told his family last night that we are separated because I cheated. They are in disbelief. I think we all are...

Most of the comments have been WS who were against true R and wanted the S. I am in the opposite situation. I am the wayward and I want R. A part of me feels that a S is not necessarily the best thing for us, but I am not sure...I canít be selfish. S is not what I want, but maybe it is for the best. Maybe it is our best chance at his heart changing and eventually wanting R.

It seems like all I read are BS who are so willing to stick it out and work on R while WS are the ones resisting.

Is there anyone in my boat? Anyone who knows if S is really best for the BS to come around to wanting R?

roarlouder posted 11/5/2013 15:58 PM

In my case WH is trying. But he's fearful he won't be able to not do thus again-he's apparently never been monogamous. I think S might be good for me mostly to decide how much I want/need him- do I want to put in the work and risk or move on?

I also wonder if it will make him know one way or the other whether he'll choose to be faithful. Here's the big question. I leave soon for work and will be gone for 3 weeks. I was going to put rules in place (no bars, turning find my iPhone on) but now I wonder if we should do it no contact, do as you please. I'd rather find out now he can't do it than another month or year from now. The challenge is if his actions while I am away inform my decision, how do I verify what he's up to?

BrokenwingBird posted 11/8/2013 15:30 PM

Don't know if this will help you, but here is how we are handling R while separated.
(pardon me, im new and dont have the hang of the abbreviations yet)

My H and I fell on hard times after selling our house and moved in with my parents 9mos ago. I found out about the A a month ago and kicked him out that morning. I had no intention of taking him back.

We have a 1 1/2 yr old son and agreed that he needed to see both of us as much as possible. We also have unusual schedules and between his work and my school, child care was handled mostly between the two of us.

The next day, I called the OW and found out that the A had really gone on for 2 years! I was devastated because it started when I was 3 mos pregnant. So after hearing this, I was sincerely DONE with him. He had nowhere to go so he moved in with his parents.

Immediately he wanted to R, promising the world, going to IC and wanting to do MC. I had to keep in contact with him for drop offs/ pick ups of our son. So from the beginning, I had to see him about twice a day. Each time he would beg for me to give him another chance.

After 11 days of this, I gave him a list of demands and agreed that we could "date" while living in separate places. I did this because I felt so betrayed, and because our marriage was in the crapper for the last few years and we were both contemplating divorce anyways. I need to be sure that things are really going to get better and stay better before I uproot me and my son into a new place with him.

I told him that if over the course of the next few months I feel like things aren't improving, or if I find out he's lying again about anything, its over. Its also possible through therapy we will see that this wont work and need to go our separate ways. far so good. I realize that if R is going to have a shot at happening, I need to be in this, working on myself and our relationship as well. So we talk on the phone and during son exchange for at least an hour a day, and have had a couple "dates".

This is working for me because, I have just started to get comfortable having conversations with him and giving him hugs and saying "i love you". In the beginning, I wouldnt let him touch me. So I know I am not ready to live in a house with him or sleep in the same bed. Baby steps.

When we start MC, if the therapist recomends us live together, then I will consider it. But I dont see that happening for another 3-6 months honestly.

It's only been a month and we are a unique situation, but it has been working for us. Of course he wants to be with me and would move in with me now, but I dont want him that close yet. He needs to earn back more trust first, and I need to see that our relationship is moving in a better direction first. I feel that through dating, getting more in touch with ourselves and learning new communication skills, I should eventually WANT to be with him more and WANT to live with him again. If I dont find myself feeling that way after a while, then I guess I will have my answer about what I need to do.

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