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working on my triggers....

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Alyssamd24 posted 10/31/2013 12:20 PM

This is our A season and my BH has been triggering lately and I know this will continue to happen for the next few months.

I have been checking in with him and asking how he is feeling. ...he will tell me he's ok, but then a day or two later will say otherwise. He told me that he needs me to show more love and support especially now. I have apologized for not being as supportive as he has needed and am going to work harder on this. I have also asked that he lets me know when he is having an issue to let me know so we can talk about it and work through it.

I have also been having my own triggers recently that I am trying to deal with but don't know how . I know I need to push mine aside so I can focus on him. What I don't know is how to deal with my own. ...do I keep it to myself or share it with him? Isn't it worse to do that to him?

I need advice on what to do....how have other WS worked through their own triggers?

SurprisinglyOkay posted 10/31/2013 14:35 PM

I shared them.
I was nervous, thinking that it would ruin a good day, but my bs really appreciated it!
It was good for him to know I was suffering too.

Neznayou posted 11/1/2013 04:04 AM

What broevil said.

authenticnow posted 11/1/2013 05:36 AM

While in early R, I went into Hollister (which I call HELLister) with DD. I got an overwhelming sense of anxiety and feeling sick, and I realized it was because of the cologne smell. (xOM wore a lot of cheap cologne)

I told DD I'd meet her outside and called my H. He was grateful that I did. I told him that the store triggered me and I was having anxiety. He was happy that the trigger elicited a negative response, and that I called him about it.

numb&dumb posted 11/1/2013 13:14 PM

As a BH I welcomed it when my W shared her triggers (she still does).

Your may think your H understands how you feel about this. I'd bet you money he thinks of it differently than you think he does. The rub is you have to pick your moments and things to share. Missing the OM is not something I would handle well, but remembering her actions and how she felt sick thinking about it. . .that helped me.

Without saying too much, I can tell that earlier on when my W shared a trigger or a negative feeling with me it really helped me (slowly) gain some empathy for what she is going through. It also helped me eventually get past the justice/punishment/revenge mindset. I guess understanding the hell she was in helped me believe that was in pain. It didn't look exactly like what I was going through, but it was pain none-the-less.

Important step in this process, if you ask me. The BS has to learn to transfer some of the burden that most of us internalize and things like this help build that bridge.

Anyway, best of luck. There is no one way to do this. Everybody is different. Trail and error can be just as valuable to finding out what works as books, advice or even SI.

Sal1995 posted 11/1/2013 13:20 PM

This is interesting topic. But as a BS I'm not sure that I fully understand what a "trigger" is for a WS, though. For a BS it's something that causes painful feelings to surface that are related to the betrayal. What is it exactly for the WS - something that triggers guilt, embarrassment, or regret?

Aubrie posted 11/1/2013 13:58 PM

He told me that he needs me to show more love and support especially now
He's right. We need to be their safe place to land. I'm in the middle of the antiversary. Biting my nails to nothin', and watching every move, making sure he's ok.

I don't know is how to deal with my own. ...do I keep it to myself or share it with him?
Talk to him. I didn't know what to do with myself either. Finally got up the nerve to have "the talk" with QS. He asked that I tell him when I trigger, and I generally do. There are exceptions like the other night when I didn't want to ruin a rare moment alone with him. I kept it stuffed. But the "norm" is, I share.

What is it exactly for the WS - something that triggers guilt, embarrassment, or regret?
All of the above. Wrapped in layers of panic and fear.

It's weird. I live daily with the knowledge and consequences of my actions. It's like a constant, dull ache. But there are some things, songs, a body type, a smell, a store, article of clothing, that sends me into Spiral Land. It's a sickening feeling. Sheer horror. Shakes. Upset stomach. Extreme sadness. Utter humiliation. It's almost breathtaking and not in a good way. It's like everything comes crashing back down upon me all over again.

plainpain posted 11/1/2013 14:18 PM

It's like a constant, dull ache. But there are some things, songs, a body type, a smell, a store, article of clothing, that sends me into Spiral Land. It's a sickening feeling. Sheer horror. Shakes. Upset stomach. Extreme sadness. Utter humiliation. It's almost breathtaking and not in a good way. It's like everything comes crashing back down upon me all over again.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry for your pain. As a BS, I always wonder if my H triggers, and I always assume that a trigger for him is missing OW, or thinking about her smell, or the way she looked at him when they were intimate... that kind of thing. I never imagined a trigger being the way you described. I know he is so ashamed, but my fear is that the memory of the A gets romanticized for him the further we get from it. It's part of why I keep checking in with him, asking him questions. It's like I have to test out to see if he still feels ashamed.

Alyssamd24 posted 11/1/2013 18:19 PM

I guess my major concern is that if I am sharing my triggers with him it takes the attention off him and his...and I guess I feel I shouldn't be doing that cuz I should be his safe landing place if that makes any sense.

Its also especially hard right now cus this Sunday is our wedding anniversary. ..

plainpain posted 11/1/2013 19:39 PM

Speaking as a BS, it has actually been very helpful for my own healing to hear regularly from my H that he feels awful - that he also has waves of pain. I maybe don't want him to lean on me, but if he's acting distracted and upset and he doesn't tell me why, I assume he is thinking of OW and missing her - then I have jealousy and insecurity to work through, which leads to anger, and around and around. Or, I think I'm triggering while he's just 'over it', and I'm afraid to bring it up for fear I'll put OW back in his mind. I would be very appreciative if he just said to me, 'I'm having a wave, where it's hitting me the depth of what I've done to you, and I just want to tell you how sorry I am.' That would be so very helpful to me.

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