I have been checking in with him and asking how he is feeling. ...he will tell me he's ok, but then a day or two later will say otherwise. He told me that he needs me to show more love and support especially now. I have apologized for not being as supportive as he has needed and am going to work harder on this. I have also asked that he lets me know when he is having an issue to let me know so we can talk about it and work through it.
I have also been having my own triggers recently that I am trying to deal with but don't know how . I know I need to push mine aside so I can focus on him. What I don't know is how to deal with my own. ...do I keep it to myself or share it with him? Isn't it worse to do that to him?
I need advice on what to do....how have other WS worked through their own triggers?
"Your secrets keep you sick"
Wedding: April 9, 1994
Son: 1998 (college freshman)
Son: 2002 (high school freshman)
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
I do not have it all together.
I told DD I'd meet her outside and called my H. He was grateful that I did. I told him that the store triggered me and I was having anxiety. He was happy that the trigger elicited a negative response, and that I called him about it.
Your may think your H understands how you feel about this. I'd bet you money he thinks of it differently than you think he does. The rub is you have to pick your moments and things to share. Missing the OM is not something I would handle well, but remembering her actions and how she felt sick thinking about it. . .that helped me.
Without saying too much, I can tell that earlier on when my W shared a trigger or a negative feeling with me it really helped me (slowly) gain some empathy for what she is going through. It also helped me eventually get past the justice/punishment/revenge mindset. I guess understanding the hell she was in helped me believe that was in pain. It didn't look exactly like what I was going through, but it was pain none-the-less.
Important step in this process, if you ask me. The BS has to learn to transfer some of the burden that most of us internalize and things like this help build that bridge.
Anyway, best of luck. There is no one way to do this. Everybody is different. Trail and error can be just as valuable to finding out what works as books, advice or even SI.
DS 6, DD 12
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
He told me that he needs me to show more love and support especially now
I don't know is how to deal with my own. ...do I keep it to myself or share it with him?
What is it exactly for the WS - something that triggers guilt, embarrassment, or regret?
It's weird. I live daily with the knowledge and consequences of my actions. It's like a constant, dull ache. But there are some things, songs, a body type, a smell, a store, article of clothing, that sends me into Spiral Land. It's a sickening feeling. Sheer horror. Shakes. Upset stomach. Extreme sadness. Utter humiliation. It's almost breathtaking and not in a good way. It's like everything comes crashing back down upon me all over again.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
It's like a constant, dull ache. But there are some things, songs, a body type, a smell, a store, article of clothing, that sends me into Spiral Land. It's a sickening feeling. Sheer horror. Shakes. Upset stomach. Extreme sadness. Utter humiliation. It's almost breathtaking and not in a good way. It's like everything comes crashing back down upon me all over again.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry for your pain. As a BS, I always wonder if my H triggers, and I always assume that a trigger for him is missing OW, or thinking about her smell, or the way she looked at him when they were intimate... that kind of thing. I never imagined a trigger being the way you described. I know he is so ashamed, but my fear is that the memory of the A gets romanticized for him the further we get from it. It's part of why I keep checking in with him, asking him questions. It's like I have to test out to see if he still feels ashamed.
Its also especially hard right now cus this Sunday is our wedding anniversary. ..