"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Trying33 posted 10/31/2013 12:36 PM

I'm so tired of this rollercoaster and am struggling with it. I really flit from total hopelessness to complete resolve that I will do whatever it takes to make it work.

It's exhausting and I often wonder whether I'm just over thinking the whole thing as I have a tendency to do this.

Small things send me spiralling but it can go the other way too. A small comment made by my H on fb can send me gushing. I feel like I'm all over the place and this has been going on for some time.

I was wondering today if there may be some pathological reasoning to these ups and downs, or is this how others have also experienced the rollercoaster?

I have a feeling my H is also struggling with this although he doesn't say much, but it's wearing.

I guess what I'm worried about most of all is, is this an indication that we don't have a good chance at R? Another thing I worry about is am I just over-thinking it all? My H is away for work and when he's not around to talk to I have noticed I tend to think about our R more than I try to actually live it.

I know it's early days, D-day was in January, in the whole scheme of things, it's still early days but the ups and downs are concerning.

Has anyone taken medication to help with this?

Can anyone relate to this?

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/31/2013 16:37 PM

Trying33, I haven't worked up the nerve to start a thread there yet, but I've been spending more time in the R forum. From reading there, the answer to your question is clearly "yes," pretty much everyone in R can relate to it.

Someone wrote "R is not linear." We've barely begun traversing the R road, and just in the first mile there have been zigs, zags, u-turns and roundabouts.

Try not to jump to any conclusions yet. One day at a time.

Tesseract posted 10/31/2013 20:21 PM

I'd say what you're experiencing is pretty typical. I've followed a similar pattern, which has been unfortunate since my lows tend to be about as fun for those around me as bathing in toxic waste.

The only thing that really helped me out of those maddeningly circular funks was to set aside what I was feeling (or more aptly, gnawing on) and focusing instead on what my wife and our kids were feeling and trying to help them.

Once I did that I found that what had seemed so impossible a short while previous really wasn't.

Neznayou posted 11/1/2013 04:02 AM

Yep, me too. I tend to overthink things, although I am now more aware of it. My BH will post things on Facebook and I sometimes overthink what he is really trying to say. I will go from highs to lows within hours and from lows to highs almost as quickly. If you are trying to reconcile, then I would say you can get tired, but you have to keep going. We (WW) have created the mess and we have to find the strength to support our BH. They didn't ask for this hell we've brought upon them.

Aubrie posted 11/1/2013 07:48 AM

pretty much everyone in R can relate to it.

Word.

This ride is the most terrifying and nerve wracking one I've ever been on.

One of the hardest things about R is that pesky things like...oh, life...doesn't stop. Life is complicated in itself. Work, school, kids, family, vacations, death, sickness, holidays. Throw in an R'ing couple in quicksand and it stays interesting.

Learn how to talk to your spouse. Communication is key. Talk. About everything. Don't guess, assume, or "think". Discuss it. I used to think we talked. Ha! We were both talking, but it was completely different languages. We could scream our thoughts, but we weren't hearing one another. Not till we chose to speak in the same language. Then it was a light bulb moment. Ohhhhhh, that's what you meant!? Well why didn't you just say so!?

I have a feeling my H is also struggling with this although he doesn't say much, but it's wearing.

You may be right. You may be wrong. In my case, QS is a stuffer. Stems from a lovely thing called FOO. Anyway, he would stuff it all down inside. Still does sometimes. I knew something was up, but if he chose not to tell me, I couldn't pry it out of him and it just made things worse when I tried. The hardest thing for me to do was let go. To keep working on me, and do my best to be a safe place for him. Nine times out of ten, he would eventually warm up and come around. But he did it on his timeline. Not mine. I had to get over myself and realize he has to heal the way he needs to heal.

Let him know that you're available for if/when he wants to talk. Sure our husbands should "know" that. But tell him. It actually helps. We're all confused and over-analyzing and trying to figure our husbands out. They're on the other side doing the same thing. "Do I talk to her? Do I tell her about this trigger? Will she get defensive? I don't want to open this wound up to her. She gave it to me. She might hurt me again. What did that sigh mean? Is she tired of my moodiness? She rolled her eyes. At who? Me?"

Be open. Be gentle. Be communicative.

And don't forget to hang on. There's a few vertical loops coming your way. Don't wanna fall out of the roller coaster.

Trying33 posted 11/1/2013 14:38 PM

Thanks for the encouragement of sorts.

The feelings of hopelessness are a real downer on R. My H feels I am always negative and refuses to actually listen to me unless I am being positive. This is so unhelpful to R as I feel unheard and like my feelings are being minimised.

He rarely shares what's on his mind. When I say something, he always responds with a "yeh, but..."

yeh, but don't think about those times now
yeh, but that was then this is now
yeh, but why must you dwell on those times, lets look forward
yeh, but I'm doing my best and it's still not good enough

etc, etc, etc

How DOES one deal with a rug sweeper? I'm just so frickin tired of being dismissed.

I am working on myself and am really benefitting from IC. I am learning about myself and know I can't change the way he is, only myself.

I think, I just need to give him time to talk when he's ready and just believe that he will when the time is right for HIM not ME.

In the meantime, I guess I just get on with it and stop over-thinking things, especially my all doom and gloom thinking.