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Calling it quits on R, bypassing Separation?

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westerly posted 10/31/2013 13:28 PM

Hi everyone,

After 6 months of a second R (WW reconnected with OM), I seem to have hit a point where I have no energy or patience left. I was at sea for an extended period (3 months), and about a month before coming home, in our daily phone call, I told FWW that I was really struggling and wanted to sit down and really go over where we were, a State of the Union address, basically. My job is tough on a M, but it's doable- I'm a 3rd generation captain, and my parents and grandparents had long, seemingly very successful and happy marriages. I'm sympathetic towards fWW when it comes to dealing with my absences. They're tough on her.
This idea for a meeting was met with great resistance, and I was fairly hurt by that, but I emailed fWW with an agenda- trying to be sure we both understood what the other was dealing with and struggling with, stuff like that.

Anyhow, on coming home about a week ago, we had our meeting, and it was an unmitigated disaster. I learned a lot, which was my whole point, but fWW went bonkers when I said that I had come as far as I could without some real assistance from her in terms of moving past the A and developing security and trust.
Now, FWW had rekindled the A back in March when she was back in her home country on an unrelated matter- I had broken my 401k and our savings for lifesaving surgery got my MIL, leaving us broke, more or less. I have a good job, but repaying my 401k is taking a grand a week out of my check, and that hurts.

Well, at any rate, since our meeting last week, where I admitted that I'm out of patience in being the only one who is actively trying to support the other in R, fWW is begging me for more time, but it appears I have checked out. No matter what I do, I can't seem to summon much interest in R since our meeting- I didn't learn anything groundbreaking, she is still completely resistant to the idea that I need her to actually work to provide a sense of security and trust. She is ashamed and depressed, and wants me to stop talking, but it's like a piece of food caught in my teeth- I can't recover or move on without her doing more in terms of building the M, and she's not able or willing to even try what I suggest I might need.

So... yeah. Courtesy of my MIL's troubles, I can't even afford to separate- running the household at a minimum takes everything I make. D will go easy on me. No biological kids, only 5 years of M, and her A's and actions and unrelated deceits and troubles shame her, and she knows that if she contests D, I will blow up both our worlds and she will get booted from her community and crazy fundie church for her actions, which frightens her deeply. I can rebuild. She can not.

Anyhow, I'll offer to leave her comfortable enough for a year or two so that I don't have guilt about anything (my stepson is awesome, and this will be bad enough on him). I think my apathy is in response to her lack of response, yet I don't think she's actively checked out or bluffing. I think she actually thinks she's doing all she can to help me, and I've spent hours explaining gently that she's been focused solely on helping herself through the depression and impact of the A, leaving me sucking hind tit. The lease on our house is up in June. I'm thinking I will actually try to be nice and participate until after Christmas, and barring anything unforseen, hand off the papers soon after new year. No S beyond a legal one- no attempts at R after, that sort of thing, just a clean break. Is that fair at this point? I feel like I've been rejected enough and have done enough.

beenthere2? posted 10/31/2013 23:39 PM

I think that if you are done, you are done.

I would only stay through the holidays if you can really, really fake it. Yes it sucks to have a separation before a holiday, but if you are only there halfway, it will be evident.

Dare2Trust posted 11/1/2013 03:58 AM


Your WW rekindled her affair in March...and you've put yourself in a huge financial bind to help the MIL....

Why put off what you know is the best move for you?
Personally, I'd end THIS MESS SHE'S MADE, and that she continues to MAKE and file for the divorce now!

Your WW well-knew the consequences of adultery and her position with her church and community when she MADE THE CHOICE to rekindle this affair in March. She can step up and deal with her OWN MESS.

As for "guilt" - You should talk to a great Divorce Attorney and listen to and take the attorney's advice before offering " leave her comfortable for a year or two" in a divorce settlement. Perhaps her OM can pick up the slack and take care of her financially???
In my opinion - you've done nothing wrong and share not guilt.

jstbreathe posted 11/1/2013 04:33 AM

Ahh, but it sounds like you still love her. And there's the rub.

TrulySad posted 11/1/2013 07:39 AM

Are you ok with your decision? At this point, that's what's important.

If I read your post correctly, she went back to the OM, after you had agreed to R? And now, she's not wanting to do the work for R, but rather just move forward together?

You've been through a lot! Don't blame your job for her actions, please. That's fully on her. It sounds like you've been there for her and her family, and have every intention of making things go smoothly for her, if you decide to D.

Form your decision on what feels right for you. It sounds like you're done, and have a plan. You didn't ask for this, so whatever you do, know you can hold your head high if you do walk away.

I wish you luck...

Smokehouse posted 11/1/2013 11:19 AM

I think it sounds like you've made your decision. You are being overly nice in setting your stbxw up for a couple years. My best guess is due to the step-son.

Very galant of you to wait until after the holidays. I would probably do the same. Just don't let the holidays alone change your mind.

With your job, can you ever be comfortable in the fact of your long absences?

While your stbxw is trying to help herself get to where she needs to be, she also needs to help you. That would be the mark of a remorseful, strong woman. I don't think you are seeing that! She can do both at the same time, my WW is.

Good luck, you seem to know what needs to be done.

blakesteele posted 11/1/2013 11:31 AM

Wow...tough spot. Thank you for your service to our country...I take great comfort in the fact that a man whose character appears (only read this one post from you) to be of high standing.

I am sorry your wife has failed to choose you over her OM.

Only you know your entire story so I wont presume to know what is best for you.

I will say that if I discover today that my wife is once again seeing her original AP or a new the end of business today I will have my attorney on retainer and start the D proceedings ASAP.

My wife is acutely aware of this condition on R. I have grown to become acutely aware that I have the ability to follow through with this.

I, too, think I might see that you love your wife...and that is a choice. Again, I pray that all WS could appreciate the choice their BS are making to love them...but that prayer is not always answered. And I am not sure if this is correct or not.

My analytical mind goes to the fact that you are basically broke right now...not a bad time to D a woman that appears to desire more than a healthy M can provide her. Less assets, more debt to split up.

You also appear to have a different faith or at a different spiritual path than she does. This is added issues.

You also appear to have building apathy. Apathy is the death of a relationship. IF, and this is big because sometimes I get flat worn out and can THINK that is apathy, it is truly may already have all the answers you need.

Helping the MIL out is noble of you. I pray that the MIL is grateful for your is what we are called to do, help others. I am sorry you have to pay such a high price ($1k a paycheck) for this assistance. I am also sorry that BS have to pay an even higher price for the actions of their WS's.

While it is true we are called to help others, it is equally true that we are called to stand for what is right....what your wife is choosing to do is simply not right. Right things are to honor your M vows or get a D....adultery is not a "right option". Period.

It is tough to find our way...but is made easier by knowing what is right. There is no gray area when it comes to adultery.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:38 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

Rebreather posted 11/1/2013 11:34 AM

Hey Westerly, good to see you. Sorry not under better circumstances.

I tend to believe there isn't anything much more frustrating than a half assed recovery from this mess. It is a soul killer. Your obligation is to yourself. She's not doing the work. You had a false recovery. Go in peace. I think your plan is sound.

sisoon posted 11/1/2013 14:27 PM

I don't see much hope that your W is interested in any change, so I, too thinks your plan is basically sound - but I'd talk with a lawyer before offering anything, perhaps to direct some aid to your stepson, for example.

Simple posted 11/1/2013 14:57 PM

I can't recover or move on without her doing more in terms of building the M, and she's not able or willing to even try what I suggest I might need.

If this is just not how you feel but the reality (sometimes we hit the "plane of lethal flatness" and can't grasp facts because we're dead emotionally), then I would say D is probably better and fairer for both parties.

Now if you see your feelings not matching reality - I've been in these cases before, then you need to work on you more and rebuild love so to speak. I've hit this before during the early parts of the R. My FWH was good enough to specifically in detail say every single thing he's done that I wanted and that he's done that he should or should not be doing so that I am grounded in reality and facts rather than my skittish emotions. That helps get me out of that plane of lethal flatness. I focus on facts, facts, and more facts. and I had my FWH tell me every single day at the end of the day what's he's done good and bad to move forward as a good H. That worked for me.

But if she's not even willing to do what you ask her to do (and their reasonable?) then I see your point. You'll be gone a lot in your work, if she can't handle that before, how is she going to learn to handle that in the future? If there's no progress on that end then yea, it will be difficult and maybe pointless.

Sometimes, an affair and the reconnection is a total deal-breaker. Some BS are just afraid to call it that but it seems it is for you and that's ok. You don't have to justify leaving. There's been cases where the FWH was a model FWH that everyone would want but BW just couldn't handle it and they D. The affair was a deal-breaker and she can't reconcile no matter how good her FWH has turned himself around. Can't blame BS for that. You do what you have to do.

Hugs your way.

westerly posted 11/5/2013 23:57 PM

Thanks everyone- we took a few days to think and talk, and my stepson took the opportunity to get sick, so I was AFK for a few days, lol.

Both of us feel miserable and admit love is not and has not been the problem- it's everything else, and the lack of reciprocity in terms of reflecting back what was offered (her FOO issues, I guess).
Anyhow, she begged me to go slow in starting the separation and D process, to give her time to pray and reflect and (I assume) have some quiet time apart, and I agreed, as I am going back to sea this week for a month anyhow. When I return we'll meet with a lawyer and get the papers drafted. After that, it's just a matter of filing them, I guess.
We got the air cleared, anyhow. Thanks for your input. I am at peace, of sorts, with my actions and decisions thus far.

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