Hi everyone,
After 6 months of a second R (WW reconnected with OM), I seem to have hit a point where I have no energy or patience left. I was at sea for an extended period (3 months), and about a month before coming home, in our daily phone call, I told FWW that I was really struggling and wanted to sit down and really go over where we were, a State of the Union address, basically. My job is tough on a M, but it's doable- I'm a 3rd generation captain, and my parents and grandparents had long, seemingly very successful and happy marriages. I'm sympathetic towards fWW when it comes to dealing with my absences. They're tough on her.
This idea for a meeting was met with great resistance, and I was fairly hurt by that, but I emailed fWW with an agenda- trying to be sure we both understood what the other was dealing with and struggling with, stuff like that.
Anyhow, on coming home about a week ago, we had our meeting, and it was an unmitigated disaster. I learned a lot, which was my whole point, but fWW went bonkers when I said that I had come as far as I could without some real assistance from her in terms of moving past the A and developing security and trust.
Now, FWW had rekindled the A back in March when she was back in her home country on an unrelated matter- I had broken my 401k and our savings for lifesaving surgery got my MIL, leaving us broke, more or less. I have a good job, but repaying my 401k is taking a grand a week out of my check, and that hurts.
Well, at any rate, since our meeting last week, where I admitted that I'm out of patience in being the only one who is actively trying to support the other in R, fWW is begging me for more time, but it appears I have checked out. No matter what I do, I can't seem to summon much interest in R since our meeting- I didn't learn anything groundbreaking, she is still completely resistant to the idea that I need her to actually work to provide a sense of security and trust. She is ashamed and depressed, and wants me to stop talking, but it's like a piece of food caught in my teeth- I can't recover or move on without her doing more in terms of building the M, and she's not able or willing to even try what I suggest I might need.
So... yeah. Courtesy of my MIL's troubles, I can't even afford to separate- running the household at a minimum takes everything I make. D will go easy on me. No biological kids, only 5 years of M, and her A's and actions and unrelated deceits and troubles shame her, and she knows that if she contests D, I will blow up both our worlds and she will get booted from her community and crazy fundie church for her actions, which frightens her deeply. I can rebuild. She can not.
Anyhow, I'll offer to leave her comfortable enough for a year or two so that I don't have guilt about anything (my stepson is awesome, and this will be bad enough on him). I think my apathy is in response to her lack of response, yet I don't think she's actively checked out or bluffing. I think she actually thinks she's doing all she can to help me, and I've spent hours explaining gently that she's been focused solely on helping herself through the depression and impact of the A, leaving me sucking hind tit. The lease on our house is up in June. I'm thinking I will actually try to be nice and participate until after Christmas, and barring anything unforseen, hand off the papers soon after new year. No S beyond a legal one- no attempts at R after, that sort of thing, just a clean break. Is that fair at this point? I feel like I've been rejected enough and have done enough.