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livebythesea posted 10/31/2013 14:44 PM

I was aware my h was viewing porn. At the time I thought he was not hurting anyone. I feel differently today.

What kind of men regularly, I mean regularly visit porn sites? Like every day. I am asking you guys cause he is so good at making me believe whatever, that I am honestly not sure what is right and wrong at this moment.

tushnurse posted 10/31/2013 14:50 PM

You will get a lot of different responses to this, but in my opinion there is no normal with this. If he is viewing porn instead of making you a priority it's a problem. If he is spanking his wank instead of spending intimate time with you it's a problem. If him viewing it makes him withdrawn, and have unrealistic expectations of what you should be doing for/to/with him it's a problem.

If he watches it rarely and you are still the center ofhis world then it's not a big deal.

If he watches with you, to kind of spice things up in the bedroom, and you are comfortable with that, then it's not a big deal.

IF he watches it to get himself in the mood, and then comes to find you, and makes you feel special, and you have a great time being intimate then it's not a problem.

HOWEVER - for many men and women, it is difficult to walk that line, and can be a slippery slope if you are one that is prone to addiction issues, and there must be a firm understanding that what is done, performed, acted out in Porn is not the real world, and any expecation that it is is unacceptable.

Sleepy312 posted 10/31/2013 14:51 PM

I have asked several times about this. I'm not sure if there is a way to look at my posts, but if there is it will lead you to some good information I have received.

I am struggling with my dh's porn use(his secret use), and it's effecting our sex life. He's clearly got addiction issues, but the vice just keeps changing.

PinkJeepLady posted 10/31/2013 14:52 PM

I am just now starting to understand porn use and sex addiction. It's very wrong and sad. For many viewers it causes great damage to their normal relationships.
I used to think it was just ridiculous and stupid but now I know it's more than that. I believe porn hurts the entire human race, the effects are wide spread and devasting, from the viewers to the actors. There are a lot of good books about porn and it's usage that might help you. Figure out what YOUR views are and stick to them. You have a right to express what you feel is wrong and damaging to your relationship and your h will hopefully respect that.
Take care

plainpain posted 10/31/2013 15:09 PM

My H would be the first to say that porn was hugely damaging for him in terms of how he viewed me as a woman, and just women in general. He has chosen not to watch it anymore.

livebythesea posted 10/31/2013 15:24 PM

It is a deal breaker for us. He is no longer watching porn. (So I think). You can truly never trust a liar and a cheater.

It's like a criminal - a thief! Don't let your valuables hanging around ...

Kelany posted 10/31/2013 15:27 PM

My husband no longer views. He is a recovering SA. He used to view it daily, he also lied about it. He compulsively masturbated as well 3-4 times a day. It killed ihr intimacy, and escalated his fantasies. He also had multiple affairs. Porn can not be in our marriage.

Sleepy312 posted 10/31/2013 15:36 PM

My H would be the first to say that porn was hugely damaging for him in terms of how he viewed me as a woman, and just women in general. He has chosen not to watch it anymore.

If only my H and many others could come to this conclusion.

BeyondBreaking posted 10/31/2013 16:29 PM

My H no longer watches porn- it was one of my terms of R.

I used to not care- for us porn wasn't a problem until it was, if that makes sense.

StillGoing posted 10/31/2013 16:52 PM

You will get a lot of different responses to this, but in my opinion there is no normal with this. If he is viewing porn instead of making you a priority it's a problem.

Just wanted to second this.

While I flat out think that the sites dedicated to disseminating false information about the effects of pornography on the brain are actually more damaging than porn itself for the majority of the media consumer base, it is like anything else in life - when it becomes a problem it needs to be shelved.

While there are some people who can knock back large quantities of booze daily and not succumb to addiction, it's probably a really bad idea to trust a recovering heroin addict alone in a bar.

Ostrich80 posted 10/31/2013 17:04 PM

I think its one those, its not a problem, until its a problem, if you Kwim? He wasn't a big porn guy until ow. They viewed it together, she sent video of herself to him and Pornhub where he would go onto to see hee. Now its a problem because its ruined any sex life we had left after the A came out. The last time we had sex, I felt like a hooker, I could have been anyone. There is absolutely not a hint of intimacy in our M. I hate porn now.

blakesteele posted 10/31/2013 20:48 PM

Porn is harmful. Porn is damaging.

This is my view today. For 30 years I believed differently.... This is how long I have viewed various porn.....playboys at first then movies then internet. My wife knew about it, watched some with me, shared society's view that "men use porn ...it is normal and as long as it doesn't replace sex with your wife you are fine.".

I see the damage porn has done to me as well as my relationships.

I am porn-free today. The first month was difficult.... But each subsequent month was easier. After that first month I felt so so so much better..... Like I actually was "whole" feeling again.

As my wife and I visit truthfully and radically honestly about our M we view porn as it is.....the first opening two lines of my post here describe how we BOTH view it.

I believe it is important that husband and wife are in agreement on most sexually related items..... But do contend that even if both wife and husband view porn together it is damaging....it is unhealthy.

I know that goes against society's view on porn.... That if both spouses are cool with it that no harm is done. I happen to view porn like I do meth....it is harmful no matter how many people think otherwise.

I also realize this is a 180 degree difference in me that occurred almost over night relative to my decades of feeling otherwise.

"Every Mans Battle" was a book that changed my life..... I found it on my own, my wife did not demand I stop viewing porn , this was a choice I made after searching myself for that which was immature, broken inside me.

I can not express the sadness my ignorance and choices have created in me. I am using this pain to mature and grow. I am concerned about my daughters, my nephews, and all children . Porn is free and instant....something like 90% of all kids will view porn (intentional or by accident) before age 17.

That is a very dangerous statistic .

God help us all.

gonnabe2016 posted 10/31/2013 21:17 PM

Sea, it really doesn't matter what is *normal.* What is relevant is how *you* feel about it. Period.

A long time ago, I busted my stbx going to strip clubs. Strip clubs were an absolute no-no in my book. Stbx tried to sway me with the "the other guy's wives didn't care" argument. I told him that I didn't give a shit if every single other woman on the planet was *ok* with strip clubs. *I* wasn't and he was married to me and *I* said "no fucking way."

Don't compromise based on *comparisons.*

EasyDoesIt posted 10/31/2013 22:08 PM

In my personal experience, someone who needs the next level, and then the next, and then the next......and then brutally rapes his wife after viewing about an hour of rape porn on his laptop.

Porn is as addictive as heroin.

TXBW68 posted 10/31/2013 22:45 PM

For my H, the occasional porn use to get off quickly turned into so much more. I knew about it and didn't think too much of it at first. But I didn't know how Much he was doing. I got the usual lines - "I'm a guy. I'm more visual. I just need a quick release due to the stress at work. This will take me 5 minutes while you are hard work and will take me an hour. See, this is faster. Then I'll come to bed to sleep with you." I can't tell you how many times I came down the hall to find him late at night on my couch, dick in hand. I have always enjoyed sex and have always been willing. So to find him like that instead of walking down that same hallway to be with me was hurtful. But we had sex 2-4 times per week so I let it go.

His use of porn as a quick release turned into visiting nasty chat rooms and talking to porn chicks while he was doing it on my couch. I even found evidence that he would hook up his laptop to our 55" TV in the living room and do live chats with some of these chicks while me/kids were not home.

Three out of four of his actual As were started over the internet. Pictures of his dick, pictures of their parts, sexting, video chatting, all of it happening in my house and I didn't have a clue. I found it all after we separated. And I was floored! I really just thought he was watching videos - like in the old days when we used VCRs. I had no idea how interactive he was being.

While we were separated, he started waking up about certain areas of his life, including the use of porn. He had stopped doing it before we got back together. It is also a condition of R. There can be absolutely no porn use in my house. One baby step in that direction has the potential to derail our entire reconciliation. Fortunately, he understands and continues to choose me over porn.