I had an appointment with my IC last night. I haven't been to see him in quite a while but decided I really needed to talk a few things out.
I have trouble staying focused and "on task" with things. I have trouble getting motivated to do things and also staying motivated to do things. And this is affecting my work life as well as my home life. Work projects, house projects, paperwork, bills, dating, exercise, etc. It encompasses my entire life.
I know I was a total basket case when I discovered the A and then all the subsequent discoveries were like getting kicked back down every time I thought I could stand up. It was insanely difficult to admit that I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship. At the time, it was surprising to my IC that I found the strength to finally draw a line and file for D. Then the 9-10 months of in-house S before FT FINALLY moved out. Then another 2+ years after that before the D was final. And let's not forget the fun of having to tell DS about his Dad's issues because DS was letting him around DGS.
Through all of that, I've healed. I've grown. I've become a person who is happy being me. Sure, I've struggled and had set backs but I've also had great leaps forward. But through it all - like some low-grade fever that won't go away - has been this nagging issue of sustaining focus and motivation. Sometimes it spikes high - like now, because the skank's ex-bf may call me to testify in their custody case. I feel like that scene in The Godfather 3 where Pacino says, "Just when I thought I was out, they pull. me. back IN!"
I don't want to be involved in any part of their life, but if I get a subpoena there isn't much I can do! And there goes my focus again - it keeps slipping out of my grasp and it is frustrating the hell out of me because I thought it would be better by now.
So, I talked to my IC. His take is that this is part of the long term effects of having been married to a sociopath, plus the A and all that shit. He thinks it's indicative of PTSD and anxiety and possibly some depression. That now that I'm no longer in that survival / fight-or-flight mode I am actually able to tap into the emotional repercussions of long-term abuse.
Well, fuck me. Ain't that a shiny pile of shit to add to the rest. I am so fucking tired of this. I clawed my way out, God damnit! Why am I still being impacted? I was young and stupid and in love and I married him. How long do I have to pay for that? What is the final fucking cost going to be? Whatever it is, I'm just so tired of paying. I've left skin in the game, I've paid my pound of flesh and more, I've lost parts of my soul along the way...I have nothing left to give.
So I lurch forward. Like a fucking zombie. Forward, ever forward. I can't stop. I can't ALLOW myself to stop. Fuck That. I may be stuck for a while carrying this shit like a fucking monkey on my back but I WILL NOT SIT STILL for it. So, I'll take the tests the IC gave me. And we'll discuss managing the issue in whatever means are needed. And I'll keep moving forward.
Even if I'm crawling. I'll keep moving forward.Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.