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MrsDoubtfire posted 10/31/2013 15:31 PM

I only ask this question as it keeps playing on my mind because it makes me wonder whether we as a BS are somehow drawn to a specific type of person.

My parents were faithful to each other yet my childhood wasn't great (raped) so I had 'issues' and wonder whether I was drawn to something in FWH?

When we first met he was charming yet attentive and he fell deeply in love with me quite quickly and I didn't reciprocate at first. It took me about 7 months of dating him before I started to fall in love with him (for him it took about that amount of days
)

I had dated some 'bad' boys in my past (and I even ended 2 relationships as I felt those guys had a wandering eye and the potential to cheat on me so were-therefore- not trustworthy and no longer worth dating IMO) and wonder whether I was drawn to a particular type of person or whether it was just a pure fluke that I ended up with someone who would be unfaithful?

Without being rude to anybody on here- if you ave been in more than one relationship where the other person cheated... do you wonder whether you are drawn to a particular type of person? Or was it purely bad luck on your part?

Please note: I am in NO way accusing any BS of being responsible for their WS cheating. You are not- that is theirs to own entirely.

I guess I just wonder whether we subconsciously chose/choose a person who could cheat?

I had IC that made me realise that I had a preconceived notion that all men were bastards so wouldn't get close to them... yet FWH snuck under the radar with his charm offensive. But it also showed me that I hadn't fully deat with my past(at the time I met FWH) so was still vulnerable in some way... so may have 'chosen' him as my a$$wipe detector was slightly tarnished!

Am I making any sense here? I always know what it is I am trying to ask but it doesn't ever seem to get typed the way my head is thinking it

So- it leaves me curious and wondering what your thoughts are?

Area2 posted 10/31/2013 15:40 PM

I'm not aware of any cheating in any of my previous, although it could have happened and I didn't suspect. I think that's part of why I trusted so completely. This A blindsided me and I don't expect I'll ever completely trust again.

heartbroken2012 posted 10/31/2013 15:43 PM

I dont know of any cheating...I dont have any proof.

BUT...

now that I painfully recognize the signs of cheating and/or suspicious behaviors etc, I whole heartedly believe my ex-husband was cheating on me.

And I know he was cheating on his recent long term gf. (Got a text to me when he meant to send it to someone he met....while he was away at a conference).

[This message edited by heartbroken2012 at 3:51 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]

LoveActually posted 10/31/2013 15:45 PM

Honestly, I was the one who cheated in every relationship prior to my marriage. I watched my father be unfaithful to my mother for years--I always purposefully chose men that I felt were "safe" from every doing that to me--but funny, I would turn around and do it to them--maybe subconsciously I wanted to be the one that did it first if it were to happen. I would have bet my life on the fact that my husband would not have cheated--good thing no one came to collect on that bet. I was beyond shocked when I found out my husband was having affair--and for a while I felt it was my karma. I felt like maybe I deserved it--of course, I changed that opinion real fast! I do get what you are asking though and honestly, I don't know if there is any rhyme or reason.

MrsDoubtfire posted 10/31/2013 15:50 PM

I do get what you are asking though and honestly, I don't know if there is any rhyme or reason.

Yes- this ^^^ is what I am wrestling with. Is there any rhyme or reason to it?

It is a question I must have asked myself a hundred times which is why I decided to ask you guys as I just get so darn confused and have never been able to come up with an answer that appeases me.

Guess I can add over thinking to my list of less endearing attributes

MrsDoubtfire posted 10/31/2013 15:50 PM

Double post- oopsie

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 3:50 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]

cantaccept posted 10/31/2013 16:12 PM

This is my 3rd marriage!

#1. Very young. He told me that he wanted other women and I could have other men. Okay with you? NO! We divorced. At least he gave me a choice.

#2. Married 20years. 3 sons. I tested positive for an STD while pregnant with #3. He admitted. False positive on the STD. Stayed for 10 years, unhappy, miserable. Funny though looking back I did not go through this pain. I was just done.

#3. Honestly thought he was someone I could trust with me. He always said he would always keep me safe. He knew my past hurts, my childhood abuse. He ended up hurting me more than I ever knew was possible.

hardtimesinlife posted 10/31/2013 16:13 PM

Good topic, Mrs. D

They say broken attracts broken. Maybe it does. I'm sure I have insecurity and codependent issues.

My dad never cheated and was pretty vocal about his opinion of cheaters. I always thought I'd meet someone with his core values. All around values, not just about cheating. I think I had more trust than I should have. Cheating had never entered my mind until this relationship. Now it will enter my mind daily, I'm afraid.

pewpewpew posted 10/31/2013 16:21 PM

I've only had one other serious boyfriend before WH. We were high school sweethearts and together 6 years, on and off. On our "off" time and knowing we always got back together... He would date another girl.
So yes, when I was younger - I had considered that "cheating".

But, it was young love.

However, I met WH shortly after at the age of 22 and fell crazy in love. We had such huge ups and downs.
I never imagined infidelity to enter our M though. We were so madly in love and passionate. Even during his EA. :(

Kelany posted 10/31/2013 16:50 PM

My first long term relationship and father of my oldest cheated on me twice. He also made me the OW with his now wife but I had no idea as he lied to us both. I just found this out last year when she came to me 15 years later. It has devastated me. I had absolutely no idea, none.

Not sure of others, they were pretty short term until I met my husband.

Ostrich80 posted 10/31/2013 16:58 PM

Been with him since hi school, I don't have much history with anyone else.

Spelljean posted 10/31/2013 18:35 PM

First boyfriend in high school cheated. Second boyfriend cheated. Married at 18...that husband eventually cheated in the end.

That brings me up to current WH.

I haven't had a long term relationship where there wasn't infidelity. Has made me wonder too if I am choosing a particular type of guy, or at least subconsciously am attracted to certain traits that they all share-- maybe self esteem issues (they have all been very masculine types, very macho in a way--possibly that hides a deep seated unhappiniess or insecurity)

roarlouder posted 10/31/2013 19:27 PM

It is totally the kind of guy I go for. Charming, life of the party, appears confident (but I now know is anything but, hence the A). Prior boyfriend cheated, and the type I am drawn to I now know fits the bill. I've never liked anyone too safe or nice. If a guy was "it" and got attention from lots if girks, i was interested. And if he wasnt at first interested i would only be more interested. I am trying to figure out the "why" now. I wonder if it is the challenge, proving i am good wnough to be chosen, or perhaps the somewhat tumultuous home life u had growing up due to a family member's illness (mental health issues)

BeyondBreaking posted 10/31/2013 19:36 PM

My grandpa left my grandma 2 months before I was born. Married a philippino woman who was my mom's age and moved to the Philippines.

Dad cheated on mom.

My previous relationships:

1) I cheated on my first "real boyfriend" in high school (freshman year). I had low self esteem, and as soon as someone else batted an eyelash at me, I was all in.

2) After that epic disaster...I didn't do the boyfriend thing anymore. I had many Friends With Benefits, and dated a lot, but was never in a "going steady" relationship with any one person until college.

3) College- got engaged, got pregnant, son died, fiance went psycho (I don't know what else to call it), and relationship ended with him hitting me and me walking in on him cheating.

4) After that epic disaster, went back to casually dating, friends-with-benefits relationships. Met DD's dad and initially started off with a casually dating relationship with him. I got pregnant, we decided to try and make it work. he ended up being a compulsive liar, abusive (physically and emotionally), and...cheated. With unknown amounts of women, lord knows how many times.

5) Dated a really nice guy for a few months after ending things with DD's dad. Nobody cheated, but it didn't work out because he didn't want kids.

6) Met H, intended to have a casual relationship with him...ended up getting serious. He cyber-cheated, but never in person did anything.

FightingBack posted 10/31/2013 19:51 PM

Both WH and I had been married before in our early 20's. Both those marriages ended due to infidelity.

We were both spouses that had been betrayed. Never in a million years would I have guessed that he would have inflicted on me the pain he had also experienced.

Of course he has an excuse for that. He said that he never considered that his first wife had cheated on him. He knew she wanted a divorce and he arranged for one very quickly and paid for everything. He understood she needed to marry her lover quickly because she was already pregnant with his child. Infidelity? Wow, I never thought about it like that.

Just like he never thought that his could hurt me. Just dumb.

MrsDoubtfire posted 11/1/2013 05:11 AM

Wow. Thanks for the responses.

It looks a bit like we might subconsciously pick 'em based on what some have said and yet.... Hardtimesinlife sums it up beautifully:

They say broken attracts broken. Maybe it does. I'm sure I have insecurity and codependent issues.

Yes this ^^^ is true I believe.

My dad never cheated and was pretty vocal about his opinion of cheaters. I always thought I'd meet someone with his core values. All around values, not just about cheating. I think I had more trust than I should have. Cheating had never entered my mind until this relationship. Now it will enter my mind daily, I'm afraid.

Yet when you said this I would have expected that you'd meet someone with those same admirable morals too.

TrustGone posted 11/1/2013 07:52 AM

Good topic and one that I have tried to figure out myself. When I met WH#2, we were both BS's from a previous marriage. My dad cheated on my Mom when they were in their 60's and they D'd, but were never really happy without the other in my opinion. He had cheated their whole marriage, but Mom just kept taking him back until he didn't want her anymore (long, very sad story).

So of course I never thought he would cheat on me, much less carry on a LTA. We had discussed this many times before marriage and he had always swore that he could never do that to someone else. I thought I had picked the opposite of NPD XWH#1, who I was with for 22yrs and he had drucken ONS's and EA's off and on the whole time.

Now, I do see a pattern in my pickings of previous BF's and WH's. I have learned so much about myself through this latest betrayal. Instead of rug sweeping it myself (like my mother did), I have tried to gain insight into my own life and my own decisions. Sometimes I think it maybe my age that makes me do this now, where I never did it in the past. (((HUGS)))

Girlygirly2006 posted 11/1/2013 08:02 AM

Hate to say I'm also here now..

Mines pretty much same as you all here.. Been lied to had him sneezing about chatting to girls online . Now found out he spent night in hotel with an 18 yr old !, .. Bear I. Mind his 45!
I don't blame her she seems nice as had lengthy chat and apparently he lied to her also. Been with him 7 yrs know him for 23!
Apparently he don't know why he keeps doing this I'm best thing since sliced bread , loves me etc etc after 6 times of finding him out why do I still love him?? .. I feel a complete fool.. One hand tells me to kick him to curb other says he may change .. We what he tells me is a fantastic sex life relationship etc so I just don't understand !! We are in process of councilling don't know if it will help but I'll try just for my own peace of mind if not anything else ... Can anyone get through multiple infidelities

Holly-Isis posted 11/1/2013 08:07 AM

MrH was my first kiss. First real BF for that matter.

I did have a quasi BF in HS. We held hands and whispered sweet things to each other. His xGF, she'd cheated on him with multiple guys, saw us and started sniffling. He went all KISA and just had to talk to her to see what was wrong. She told him she made a mistake and missed him. He kept me hanging for a bit before I said I wasn't a puppy to be picked. I dumped him.

After 2A, I thought back to that time and wished I had been strong enough to do the same the first time MrH broke boundaries and kissed another girl when we were dating. Or the online EA our first year of M. Or even the first A.

As for MrH, his first GF either broke up with him and immediately screwed a friend then wanted back or outright cheated. The timing is fuzzy. The GF two before me had multiple other boyfriends so MrH broke up with her. He didn't believe in having a non-monogamous relationship.

His final GF, MrH walked in on her being ploughed doggy style by one of his ROTC buddies. He tried to use his "sadness" over that to lure me in. He now says he wanted to break up with her...she had pursued him and he gave in (much like both xOw later on in life) so the cheating was a perfect excuse. I refused to give him the time of day as long as he felt emotional attachment. Once upon a time I was more self confident and had strong boundaries.

So yeah, the serial cheater was kind of a serial betrayed before our relationship.

Gumdropped posted 11/1/2013 08:22 AM

Marriage #1 met young. Married at twenty. 2 beautiful sons. He had a mid life crisis and an affair with a co worker. This after 20 years together. Kicked him out. They married. #2 was 20 years older and emotionally and verbally abusive. Took that for 12 years then divorced. Then found my soul mate. The perfect guy. My now SO. His on line habit started after his separation from a 35 year marriage. We are at this point in R and after 5-6 blow ups he has finally admitted that it was wrong and is acknowledging my hurt. I'm really hoping we can work thrust this. He is going to get me 4 months of phone records to prove NC. When I applied the 180 and told him to leave he finally woke up to the devastation he had inflicted on me. I'm hopeful.