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Don't go away mad....

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karmahappens posted 10/31/2013 15:45 PM

If I had come to SI right after dday I wouldn't have lasted long.

My husband and I were different. He had never cheated, he was an amazing husband for the then 20 years we had been married.

It was initially very easy for me to believe the little lies I told myself, to believe he hadn't gone through a transformation and become someone I didn't know...and couldn't trust.

The day after dday he lied, the OW lied, collectively they had their game plan if they got caught. I believed it, why wouldn't I? He was always honest, we were so happy and our life was near picture perfect.

I would have come to SI, told my story, inserted all the "yeah buts" where my husband was different, where we were not the same as the other 40,000 SI members. I probably would have said some smart-mouth parting message, closed my laptop and said a big FU to everyone who doesn't know me or my situation.

And I would have been wrong and missed out on all of the opportunities SI has afforded me.

I allowed myself to see the truth, the broken pieces in me, in him that made up my marriage and we went to work on it. It gave me relief to finally have a plan and a knowing that although it's broken now, if we do what we need to and face our issues we can fix it, we can get it back on track.

I know your pain, I feel it in the posts I read, I cringe when a member takes what someone says to be as hurtful, non-supportive or mean. I know the anger is more about hurt.

Recently there have been a few posts on not being supportive, or the wrong advice given.

If you feel that way at anytime, I understand. The BS has to take time to see what is really in front of them just like a WS has to see what they have done.

We all come to help and guide members, we all have a special story and we are all unique. Unfortunately most of our stories have similar backgrounds.

I was the puddle on the floor. I cried in the shower so nobody could see how weak and afraid I was to look into the dark places.

I didn't want anyone to tell me truths about my husband, how could they? How dare they?

They could because they were also married to my husband. The lies, the stories, the false hope and bullshit. They had all seen it before me, walked through these halls before I even arrived.

So now we stand in these same halls and we see your pain coming in through the door, we feel the pain in your posts, we know where you are coming from and usually can tell you what the next step will be.

Not because we are smarter, but because we have seen it, lived through it and have seen countless others do the same.

There is a wisdom here that you can't find in a book or on the street.We are all getting our Phd's in infidelity and the aftermath and have the ability to show others the way.

So when you want to believe it couldn't be, you want to know it's different, your story isn't normal, you want to be angry at us for saying what we believe to be truth, just know it's ok. We understand.

But also know, when the light shines through and you see a different truth, start to want different answers, find strength and live authentically we will still be here.

Not angry because you doubted us or had choice words thrown our way. We will be here to comfort you through the revelations, throw f bombs when the WS's don't get it and cheer you on when you need us.

Because right now, when there is nothing but pain and you are on the bathroom floor wishing, hoping for it to all go away...we are lying right beside you and we will help you get up, when you are ready.

And when you are ready, know that all the advice is given with the best intentions, but from the experience of the advisor. You take what you can use and leave the rest...someone else may be able to use it.


[This message edited by karmahappens at 3:53 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]

need_hope posted 10/31/2013 15:50 PM

That was just beautiful karma.

livebythesea posted 10/31/2013 15:54 PM

"R is good" ... What about the past. How can we let go the past. That is where I am now. I went through the pain, the crying and the disbelief. Now I am getting stronger, getting more reasonable. The story, (stories, his version) have been digested. Now, I am looking back. The hell he put me through.

Is that normal? I am always afraid to walk away and one morning wake up and regret.

Not sure yet what is necessary to do.

Happy for you. You seem to be in a better place. It takes time ... I know

heartache101 posted 10/31/2013 15:55 PM

Karma that is a great post.
I hope they stick it for the new JFOs to read!

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/31/2013 16:12 PM

I agree with heartache- stick in it there for the JFOs.
I was very lucky to have found the site very shortly after Dday. Didnt post for a few weeks- but oh so grateful that I did. It truly led the way for us.
Everyone has a different story- but they are really, at the core, the same.
The advice, the support, the occasional 2x4, the articles, and especially the humor that inevitably creeps into our posts- all of it has been priceless.
I am not broken. I was shattered and lost and searching for something. I found it here. And now I feel I am healing.
We are doing well- but it still helps to post occasionally through the darker times. Ad in the lighter times, it feels good to be able to reach out a hand to others who are suffering.
I always feel that words cannot express how grateful I am to have found you all.
But I think your post just nailed it.
Thank you.

7yrsflushed posted 10/31/2013 16:14 PM

Great Post Karma! I was one of those that did go away. I wasn't mad I just couldn't handle or process what was being told to me at the time. I ended up coming back a year later and you know what I found, the same people still in my corner helping me up after a false year of R, helping me through major codependancy issues, and having my back when I finally decided enough was enough and it was time to file.

Each of us is unique, each of our stories is unique in it's own way but the circumstances that brought us all here are unfortunately very common and the combined experience and wisdom on these boards is a great resource for people looking to survive infidelity.

sisoon posted 10/31/2013 18:06 PM

The other side of the coin kh brings out is that SI is a forgiving place (as long as you stay within the guidelines).

I've read many posts from people who say it took them a long time to see the truth and support in the responses they initially objected to, but I've never seen 'I told you so.' It's always been, 'OK, you had to learn for yourself. Here's the support I can offer you now....'

Changing your mind is no crime on SI.

StillLivin posted 10/31/2013 18:32 PM

Yep. You hit the nail on the head. We all think that this isn't our story. We are specail.
I remember one of my first posts, and someone offering their wisdom. I was polite, said thank you. Then when I logged off, I thought, "Nah, not my story, he wouldn't do that to me!"
And then what she said came to pass.
So glad I was polite!
My only regret was that I didn't find this sight before DD. Wow, what an eye opener. I thought all cheaters were obvious and dirty. You know, the creeps that don't respect their wives enough to even hide they are creeps. How could someone who was so loving, so conscientious, so dedicated, be the same dirty dog?
I understand a lot more about FOO, PA, NPD, BPD, and BiPolar than I ever wanted to. Mine, PA, selfish @$$.
Thank you, Karma. Well said.

Ostrich80 posted 10/31/2013 18:45 PM

Great post karma.

somanyyears posted 10/31/2013 19:19 PM


There is a wisdom here that you can't find in a book or on the street.We are all getting our Phd's in infidelity

..i've said it before..

" This site should be required reading in high school."

..good post karma!


Chrysalis123 posted 10/31/2013 19:36 PM

What a fantastic post. Thank you!

jackie89 posted 10/31/2013 21:28 PM

What a great post!

metamorphisis posted 10/31/2013 21:52 PM


prowoman posted 10/31/2013 21:56 PM

This is fantastic. I have felt the frustration on here many times it's good to be reminded we are all here with the intention of getting through and helping others through.

gonnabe2016 posted 10/31/2013 22:23 PM

'Good on you' for this post, Karma.

I admit to being one of the PITA BS'. I never wanted 'what should I do' advice. I blazed my own trail, so to speak. Most of my posts were regurgitations of conversations with (now)stbx followed with an "I got this, I'm just gonna see where it goes".... Well, guess what. It ALWAYS went *exactly* where the SI'ers predicted it would.

I would have saved myself a whole ton of brain and emotional damage if I would have had a different attitude at the time. I do have to point out, though, that there are people that wrote me off and weren't there for me when I *finally* came around. But, TBH, I totally deserved it. (I really was an idiot.) OTOH, there are so many that are *still* in my corner.....

To reinforce your point, karma......we've *been* there. we *get* it. Register, post, get pissed when you don't hear what you want to hear......and always, always feel welcome to come back when life blows up again. The feet may be held to the fire....but there are plenty of hugs and no 'I told you so's'.

nowiknow23 posted 10/31/2013 22:31 PM

sinsof thefather posted 10/31/2013 23:13 PM

Great Post karma.

karmahappens posted 10/31/2013 23:35 PM

Thank you, I wasn't sure where to put it. I thought I might scare folks in JFO.

And live by the sea

What about the past. How can we let go the past

The past doesn't need to go away IMO. It serves a purpose in making us who we eventually become. I really think, for me, I had to pick apart traumas, events and issues to see how they affected me and make peace with them.

As you said, there is a lot of time involved. Lots of anger, tears, talking, patience and hope.

An M doesn't always survive. But soon after dday when you are on the initial crazy train isn't a time to make decisions. Continue with your healing. When you are ready to commit to a decision you will know.


And again, thanks to everyone for the support. I know I can come here and toss anything on the table and get back some real truth and help.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:42 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]

maddmurph posted 11/1/2013 07:59 AM

This is a good reminder for me to continue to come back and check in. Also to read the other threads, I have the tendency to ignore them for fear of seeing something I won't want to read. Something that will strike too close to home.

Thefly559 posted 11/1/2013 08:24 AM

Your post was awesome ! thank you! I often find myself wanting to run away sometimes, when I venture off into JFO again to try to help others but I realize that you are so right that you can only give advice based on your own experience and most people have to discover on their own ( as I did ) what is right and wrong , what works or does not. I hope to one day be able to give the great advice , encouragement and guidance that I received from the ones who already crossed that bridge. Once again great post

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