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I don't blame OW

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Chippednotbroken posted 10/31/2013 16:56 PM

Am I weird? I don't blame her. I don't hate her. I am curious about her. I did contact her. I found text messages, he said they were just sexting. So I sent her a text. She said they had sex and that he said he was divorced with no kids. She called him a piece of shit and asked me how I didn't notice what he was doing. I found a picture of her online. I didn't know her name till she sent him an email two days later trying to grovel to him- yep the piece of shit. I think she is pretty. She was probably very nice. It makes me hate him more. Is that weird? I have put all of it on him. He broke two hearts. He lied about his life.

Simple posted 10/31/2013 17:31 PM

My FWH had multiple EA's and PAs with many women. I don't blame any of them either. Some of them didn't know he was married. Some of them thought I left him and our child...

I place full blame on my FWH then and now. Is there blame to be had on those OW that he had that literally set a goal to separate the two of us, one of them pretending to be pregnant with twins? Of course, but she's not my concern. My husband and our marriage is.

I feel that if I let my husband let me get mad about his OW or if I put the blame on OW, I would let him get away with it. It's like saying that my wayward is not at fault because the OW is the one who showed up naked. I mean what is he going to do? Ignore her? -- you get my drift.

You're not weird. Blame is entirely on our waywards. Most BS are just afraid to put so much blame or "hate" towards their WS because they are afraid that they would loose what little love they have for the WS to disappear. It's self-preservation of the love they thought they had. Once I realized, I didn't have the love I thought I had in the first place, I had no problem. I figured, I deserve a real kind of love.

I got that real love by letting go of that old marriage of that "old love" we had. I think that's when R started, when I told him he had to convince me that he knows how to love me the way I should be loved. 6 years of hard, difficult R later, we're in a different marriage, we are different mature people and stronger than ever.

BeyondBreaking posted 10/31/2013 17:36 PM

The OW didn't know he was married, and I don't blame OP in these situations either.

With my H, none of the women he sexted with and cyber-cheated with knew he was in a relationship. I don't blame them at all. He's an ass, and I sort of feel bad for them.

Chippednotbroken posted 10/31/2013 18:17 PM

Simple- so letting go worked for you. I'm having a hard time feeling anything for my WH anymore. And I am worried that means that I'm done with him.

Bobbi_sue posted 10/31/2013 18:26 PM

You're not weird. Blame is entirely on our waywards. Most BS are just afraid to put so much blame or "hate" towards their WS because
In the cases where the WS lies to the OW about being married, or at the very least making it seem he is very unhappily married (when that might be a lie just to get in her pants), or in cases where they seek them on the Internet, strip clubs, or just hire hookers, I would agree there is not much room to bother "blaming" anyone but the WS.

However, there are filthy skanks out there who actually look for vulnerability in married men, whom they know are married. One went after my H when he was out of his mind with grief after losing his mother and DD. While this does not make my H blameless for falling for it, I will NOT hold the whore blameless either. Some of them really deserve all the "blame" they get. Every situation is different.

RidingHealingRd posted 10/31/2013 18:41 PM

She said they had sex and that he said he was divorced with no kids

If this is the truth then you have no reason to place any blame on the
OW.

JustWow posted 10/31/2013 19:00 PM

I didn't know her name till she sent him an email two days later trying to grovel to him- yep the piece of shit.

Maybe I wouldn't blame her if she was truly initially fooled, but this shows that even knowing he was M, she was still willing to be involved with him. I have found cheaters lie and liars cheat. Since she's willing to be with a cheater once she knows he is one, I'm putting her in the believe nothing she blurts out of her pie=hole category.

Chippednotbroken posted 10/31/2013 19:06 PM

I guess I think she was just hurt too.

sodamnlost posted 10/31/2013 19:10 PM

While I have my moments of wanting OW dead and gone (not really I'm a marshmallow) - for the most part I don't hate her. She's not a good person and clearly has MEGA issues. She knew WH was married. BUT - my issues that are personal are with the man who promised to love and protect me forever, not a stranger. She's a low life scum for sure but I don't hate her.

SisterMilkshake posted 10/31/2013 20:45 PM

She lost my sympathy when she did this:

she sent him an email two days later trying to grovel to him-
which basically tells me she would have fucked and sexted even if she knew he was married. She is not blameless from the moment she finds out that the AP is married and doesn't go NC immediately.

Chippednotbroken, you don't have to hate or blame the AP. You may find as time goes on and if you are trying to reconcile and OW won't go away, you may find some hate. *shrug* Maybe not. Many do have a lot of reasons to blame and hate the AP's. Not every situation is exactly the same, although so much of the stuff is right out of the Cheater's Handbook.

Tred posted 10/31/2013 20:53 PM

*shrug*

SMS is right - the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Hard to understand when everything is so raw, I really understand that. The less the OP occupies your mind the better. I think it's great the Chipped is there.

Chippednotbroken posted 10/31/2013 20:55 PM

I definitely think she would have stayed with him if he had gone back to her. He cut her off pretty unceremoniously. Told her its over and changed our numbers. She got his email from a friend so even he seemed off guard by the email. She clearly did not think I would intercept it.

Chippednotbroken posted 10/31/2013 20:58 PM

But again I don't care. He made her think he was great and I was terrible. He told her he loved her. I know how she must feel *argh*

BAB61 posted 10/31/2013 21:13 PM

I don't think you're weird, the OP may have initially been lied to. I do think that some OP's really don't know about the BS, they too believe the lies. It's tougher when the OP is someone that not only knows the WS is married, but knows the BS. That's where I'm at.

Chippednotbroken posted 10/31/2013 21:20 PM

I'm sorry BAB. That is tough. I guess I just feel that even if she did know she didn't owe me anything. He did/does. He made me a promise. The rest of the world made me no such promise. He did. He said he would never hurt me and he did.

[This message edited by Chippednotbroken at 9:22 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]

Crushed1 posted 10/31/2013 22:17 PM

I guess I just feel that even if she did know she didn't owe me anything. He did/does. He made me a promise. The rest of the world made me no such promise.

While the rest of the world may not have made any promise to me or to any of us, we all owe it to people to treat them with basic decency. When you're *knowingly* fucking someone's spouse, you are treating them with the utmost disrespect.

The fmow did owe me basic respect, but instead she chose to pursue my husband, all the while knowing me and our three children...

So, I do place a *huge* amount of blame on her. However I'll always place more blame on him for being such a lowlife and for continuing his charade with her while lying and denying to me all that time.

prowoman posted 10/31/2013 22:41 PM

I guess I think she was just hurt too.

i feel this way about the OW too, but i can't help but also be pissed at her. for sure most of the blame goes to my wh... imo he ruined both of our lives.

plainpain posted 11/1/2013 02:29 AM

I don't blame the OW, but I am angry with her. My H was vulnerable for years, and I did everything in my power to support and encourage him. His father had just died, he was working around the clock trying to save his business, he was feeling old and like a complete failure. Textbook stuff. She knew he was married, and that is why she wanted him. It was entirely initiated and premeditated on her part. So, no, she doesn't owe me any more than a car would owe me if my H drove it into a tree and put me and my children into a coma. But as a human being, I just find it despicable behavior.

I've never had an A, but neither have I ever been faced with any great temptation. There have absolutely been times when I have been so vulnerable that I might have had an A if the 'right/wrong' person had come along and tried their hardest to seduce me. If somebody says 'no', I think you should respect that and not try to wear them down. I think taking advantage of someone's vulnerability is pretty low.

Chippednotbroken posted 11/1/2013 07:31 AM

Maybe I'm just so angry at him that I don't have anymore left for anyone else. I can see how some of you would blame OW.

Chippednotbroken posted 11/1/2013 07:58 AM

I am sorry I don't mean to hurt anyone on here with my feelings but it is really helping me to hear you all. I wish I could put some blame on her. Tell myself that if it hasn't been for her he wouldn't have done this to me. That he was weak and this women took advantage and that is why I was thrown aside. But I can't. He would have cheated on me with anybody. He would have told them anything. He just plain hurt me with no out. No pushing. No pursuit. He went out looking and he found it. And he could potentially do it again and again and again...

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