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My IL's - advice needed

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pewpewpew posted 10/31/2013 18:04 PM

So, WH had at least an EA with a co worker.
It's a family run business - as why my WH has no choice to work elsewhere.

This is something I've struggled with - but, gotten to accept.

His AP still works there.

I've outed the A to his family.

What I struggle with is their loyalty to me. Of course, they believe his BS. He's their son, he claims "just friends" "I'm crazy, jealous, what have you..."

Not sure what else has been said since I no longer seek their support in this matter.

But, his family expects me to play nice with them - basically, rugs weep the affair and put on my game face.
My family is not like this. We are close, real, and call it like it is.

His mom always wants to come on my time to see her grandchildren, and I have allowed it since I know hoe important family time is.

I'm tired of this. I cannot stand their fake ness or their non caring ways, towards me.

I want them to visit during "his" time which is the weekends. They can come, I'll leave to do stuff for me - which I am a SAHM and need me time.

Is this selfish? Appropriate?

I feel as though they have chosen her over me. She's a great employee, etc...
Am I being immature?

Holly-Isis posted 10/31/2013 18:23 PM

As someone who has IL issues, I would say the real problem is him choosing them over you. IMO when you M, your spouse is the only family you ever get to choose and the intention is they are your other half for the rest of your life.

Your WH needs to own the A first. Then he needs to stand up to his family, telling them he abused your trust and the OW needs to go or at the very least (in case of possible lawsuit) strict boundaries need to be set.

Right now they feel they don't have to respect your wishes because he doesn't. He's created a dynamic that is them against you...and he's included in the them.

I think I can posted 10/31/2013 18:28 PM

I totally agree. He's the real problem here. He's running you down to his family!!!??

pewpewpew posted 10/31/2013 18:40 PM

That is pretty much how I feel.

He isn't owning up to the A - because he insists it was only a friendship. No feelings involved. This is why I hate EA's - my WH (even with our MC calling him out) feels that because no "sex" was involved - it's not really cheating.

I feel like his family is enabling this behavior. Their has been no repercussions for him or AP.

I told her BS - he didn't seem to care or believe me. Sad.

He thinks because he had limited contact to work only - and only at work - that should suffice.

Am I beating a dead horse?! Would you walk due to this?!

He has been very supportive in almost every aspect. Coming home right after work, transparent, no outside contact with her...

I just don't feel it's enough. Not only was I betrayed by him, I feel betrayed by his whole family.

I think I can posted 10/31/2013 20:36 PM

That is a tough situation. Sometimes I am glad that I didn't catch my FWH before--he can't weasel around like this.

I think I would decide whatever boundaries you want, and perhaps communicate them by letter re visiting. You don't need to get in a discussion with her, you are just letting them know how its gonna be.

And your husband needs to back you the hell up.

Holly-Isis posted 11/1/2013 06:31 AM

I suppose this is a t/j but given that i think it's your WH's issue it might not be.

First of all, would your MC have him read Not Just Friends? I find that sometimes when someone else asks MrH to read something he will, while he resists my suggestions.

You can try to have him take this quiz:

Finally, and many people will disagree, but if you do this supported by your MC this might be a final straw to get through to him. Write a letter or a story as if you're in an EA. Have many of the same characteristics as his EA. Write about how you just like talking to the "OM". He understands you like your WH never does. He gives you support that you can't get nowhere else. "OM" stirs up feelings you thought had long died...

You get the picture. Just talk to your MC and work this out beforehand because you don't want your WH to try and use this as proof you're cheating.

That's the point though. He'll likely think you're cheating. The end of the story/letter should state something along the lines of "this is what happened in our M already. Except it wasn't done by me, it was done to me." I have read that those that have problems facing the reality of an A can have their eyes opened by this.

All of that said, I've been in your shoes to an extent. MrH had an online EA early in our M...within the first 6mos. I knew we should go to MC but we were barely 21 and poor. I didn't know where to turn. He continued to break boundaries. Now I'm a SAHM having a hard time getting back into the workforce. I've been cheated on with a "complete" PA twice. Sex and emotions. He's cheated in other ways, physically by kissing and feeling up another woman and emotionally by pursuing an old crush.

The IL issues...we didn't even begin to be able to deal with them until MrH truly acknowledged the boundaries he broke over the years. He's still dealing with the ILs more from the "man he wishes he is" attitude than a person who has begun to deal with FOO issues. When we're with them, I see little boy MrH come out all over again.

I hope it doesn't take an "actual" A for there to be true healing and growth in your M. Please understand I do believe the EA is an actual A. I have experienced how harmful they are. Even if the WS isn't truly attached, it damages the relationship incredibly. I'm saying actual from his perspective. Though at this point, he would likely make excuses even if he had sex with an OW in full sight of you and his family.

TrustGone posted 11/1/2013 09:24 AM

I think that in alot of society's eyes an EA is not truely an A if their was no sex involved. In a lot of cases this turns out to not really be the truth either. I am not saying that is the case here, just pointing it out for an example of the way society looks at it.

With that said, my XWH#1 also had an EA that was the final straw for me. He had other EA's and ONS's over the years, but I was tired of the, we are just friends attitude. When I told him it was her or me he said that I couldn't tell him who to be friends with. I said Ok then and filed for D the next day. My IL's were in shock that I would do this, even though the girl was 18 and he was 45.

I have since made up with my X-MIL. She eventually saw him for what he really was. That of course is between them and no longer has anything to do with me. As far as how to handle his parents, you can't. That is up to him to do. The only person you have control over is yourself. (((HUGS)))

confused615 posted 11/1/2013 09:42 AM

Im sorry..but if he is not admitting that he had an A, then he is not being very supportive of you. He's playing nice to try and make you drop it.

The problem is not your's your WH. He developed feelings for another is that not an affair?

The OW knows you know. Why is she still comfortable working there? Im guessing based on what he told his family about you,and about this relationship with the OW, that when you are not around, they sympathize with her. They feel she has been unfairly accused..and your WH is allowing them to think she has..and allowing her to be treated as the victim,not you.

IMO, is seems since he has lied to his family about the OW..and continues to lie..he is protecting the OW. If she still works there, then he still sees her on occasion. And she gets to keep her job. He's playing her KISA...while leaving you to twist in the wind.

Would *I* walk over this? Well..I don't know. But,IMO, it shows a lack of respect for you and your feelings..and certainly shows he is not protecting your marriage.

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