The 'civil but sexless' part is on me. It's on me, because I can't move on due to a pathetic half-assed attempt on my FWW part at R. During the affair, and even for a long while after she broke it off, she said and did some horrible things.
In a calm, reasonable discussion, she once described how I was really nothing more than a re-bound relationship after she broke up with her old boyfriend; one that went on for far too long and she had just never had the guts to call off (this after 16 years of marriage). In another conversation, this one about our lack of a regular, healthy sex life, she calmly described how any non-procreative sex was for my benefit alone; that she would be quite happy to never have to have sex with me again. The list is long....
The killer is the court affidavit, done during the affair in an attempt to have me kicked out of our house. In it, her, her boyfriend's lawyer and her boyfriend, crafted a document that painted my as an unstable stalker with all sorts of 'issues'. The document was full of innuendo and contained numerous lies, and, to this day, remains a public document searchable for anyone to see (say, during a background check). She has done nothing to make it go away, or if that is not possible, perhaps even trying to attach another affidavit telling 'the rest of the story'. The kicker is, after she ended her affair, she convinced me to reimburse her boyfriend for his legal expenses (as he originally footed the bill). I paid over $4,000 to have my reputation destroyed. The icing on the cake was few years later, when during a discussion about the state of our marriage, I brought this issue up and said this was one of my major obstacles. FWW replied: "It's all about you and your feelings, isn't it".....well.....yes. In this case it kinda is.
Now, if she had made the effort to replace these many soul crushing memories and statements with positives, and made a real solid attempt at R, then perhaps I could move on. Instead, her approach to R was using a politicians apology: "I sincerely regret that my actions or statements may caused some distress. If that is the case, I apologize". In fact, if I could block out the A as she has, I dare say we could have what approaches a 'normal' marriage.
However, every time I have the desire to reach out....I stop. I carried the load for far too long, and out of principle, I refused to do so anymore. I am content, for the sake of the children, to carry on for a few more years in a soul-less marriage. It's not horrible: We talk, occasionally laugh; we are respectful of each other, and rarely argue - but there's no 'relationship'.
Now, in my mind, it could all turn around tomorrow, but for her lack of reaching out and making right what she broke.....for two years post-affair, I was amazing. I did it all and if there was such an award for Betrayed Husband of the Year, I'd have been a shoe-in. She, on the other hand, was a wet noodle, while she recovered from her crushed heart.
Eventually, around the time I organized a massively successful surprise 40th birthday party for her (flew in old friends and family....it was amazing)I reached a point where I determined that not only did any effort need to be at least 50/50, but she should be the one putting maximum effort into the marriage to fix the things she broke...and then, over time, we could turn back to normal. The effort required by her never materialized.
So....that's the story. Kind of a purgatory until the kids move on. After that...who knows?