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Newest Member: PregnantNurse (61778)

User Topic: Is R worth it?
♀ 41148
Member # 41148
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:41 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing to reconcile is a very personal, specific journey. I have seen reconciliation situations that were ABSOLUTELY worth it, and the couple came out stronger than ever.

You get to take as much time as you need to decide if its worth your time and effort. Don't push yourself to have all the answers right this second.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ 24786
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're young enough to start over with or without him. The question you need to ask is - is he putting the hard work in so R is a viable option for you both?

If he isn't putting his all into the process then maybe you need to be brave and decide to go it alone. But before you do consider the alternative below...

If he is giving it his all I say 100% go for it as R is like the most beautiful flower in the middle of a desert......stunning to see and a sight to behold but you have no clue how it could possibly thrive there!! Yet it can and it does.

I've seen hundreds of beautiful R's on here and they gave me hope and something to strive towards. When my friends were telling me to walk away I couldn't. I'm so grateful to myself for allowing myself to ignore my friends ( who had no idea about what infidelity feels like ) and to follow my heart.

BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1622 | Registered: Jul 2009
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure it can be worth it, depending on your circumstances. There are no absolutes.

We are happier than we have ever been, at least for now. There are also no guarantees.

Take your time and listen to your heart, while giving your mind a voice as well.

Good luck!

Dday -9/23/2012

Posts: 2313 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i often wonder the same thing. just wanted to send you lots of hugs. this crap stinks.

one thing that i did notice....and that was your age. gosh...if i were in my mid 20s....i think i would really reevaluate my m, and probably move on. at 41, it is a different ball game.

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
♀ 41148
Member # 41148
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:43 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO waiting to see if R is right is never a waste of time. As long as you are in a "safe" place to do it.

If you are spending that time working on you, getting IC, making changes that impact your self esteem and make you a stronger person.

I don't care if you are 25 or 45. There is never a point in life where you are past learning and growing.

When you spend the "limbo" time learning about you and the world you live in it means you haven't wasted it. Before you know it, a year has passed. Either the WS has done some work and made the effort worth it for you to stay or they haven't. If you have done your work, you will be able to see the right way to go. It won't be a big looming question.

Do the work, listen to your inner truth and walk without making choices based on fear.

You can do this, for you, and for your children. Whether or not your R or D will show itself a little further down the road.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 41148
Member # 41148
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:43 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 40915
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


When I am feeling "uncertain" I try to remind myself that I don't actually have to make any lifelong decisions today.

In IC I was fortunate enough to have a good C and she explained to me that after a while in a marriage we just stop consciously thinking about the commitment to be is something that just fades into the background of our lives. So she gave me an exercise to help me when I was feeling anxious and uncertain. She suggested that each and every day when I wake I could ask myself the question, '
"Can I commit to this marriage for one more day?" This was challenging my thinking when it came to decision making. Now, I no longer felt the pressure to make a decision for the rest of my life, but just for that day. So, far, even though R has been a wicked roller coaster ride, I have not felt yet that I could not commit for another day. Somehow it has taken the pressure off. My fWH's A was a "deal breaker" for me.
Allow me to explain.

I am only willing to R if he demonstrates his understanding that the old marriage is dead. We have to build a new one, and just like in the early days of any new relationship, there is the necessity to build faith and trust, the necessity to prove ourselves.

And I LOVE him. I hate him too. But I love him. We have so many great memories- but he's done 2 nasty things to me (unless there's more- anxiety/fear talking here) and I struggle with feeling like he ruined it all by doing what he did.

I have these same feeling on the daily.
He did ruin it, so now the question is can you give him a chance to create with you a better relationship going into the future?

I straight up told him "Yes I think I am a better person than you."

fWH told me that he knew I was a better human being than he was. But now he is striving to be better, not just ostensibly but inwardly as well. Right now this is the one thing that has kept me hanging in there.

Good luck , I am thinking of you, wishing you all the best.

[This message edited by toughernow at 9:15 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years

DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far ( 1.5 yrs out) it seems worth it. I have the kids under the same roof every night. WH "gets it" and is a MUCH better husband than before.

Day to day life is much improved for all of us.

The big picture of our marriage still slays me though.

I feel like I've aged 50 yrs. I don't trust people like I did. I am very cynical about love and relationships.

I think that would all be true whether or not we reconciled though. For now I'm happy to have our family together.

Posts: 870 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 10

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