BS (Me) - 47
When I am feeling "uncertain" I try to remind myself that I don't actually have to make any lifelong decisions today.
In IC I was fortunate enough to have a good C and she explained to me that after a while in a marriage we just stop consciously thinking about the commitment to be together...it is something that just fades into the background of our lives. So she gave me an exercise to help me when I was feeling anxious and uncertain. She suggested that each and every day when I wake I could ask myself the question, '
"Can I commit to this marriage for one more day?" This was challenging my thinking when it came to decision making. Now, I no longer felt the pressure to make a decision for the rest of my life, but just for that day. So, far, even though R has been a wicked roller coaster ride, I have not felt yet that I could not commit for another day. Somehow it has taken the pressure off. My fWH's A was a "deal breaker" for me.
Allow me to explain.
I am only willing to R if he demonstrates his understanding that the old marriage is dead. We have to build a new one, and just like in the early days of any new relationship, there is the necessity to build faith and trust, the necessity to prove ourselves.
And I LOVE him. I hate him too. But I love him. We have so many great memories- but he's done 2 nasty things to me (unless there's more- anxiety/fear talking here) and I struggle with feeling like he ruined it all by doing what he did.
I have these same feeling on the daily.
He did ruin it, so now the question is can you give him a chance to create with you a better relationship going into the future?
I straight up told him "Yes I think I am a better person than you."
fWH told me that he knew I was a better human being than he was. But now he is striving to be better, not just ostensibly but inwardly as well. Right now this is the one thing that has kept me hanging in there.
Good luck , I am thinking of you, wishing you all the best.
[This message edited by toughernow at 9:15 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]
Married 23 years - together for 29 years
DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children
"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers