[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:41 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
You get to take as much time as you need to decide if its worth your time and effort. Don't push yourself to have all the answers right this second.
If he isn't putting his all into the process then maybe you need to be brave and decide to go it alone. But before you do consider the alternative below...
If he is giving it his all I say 100% go for it as R is like the most beautiful flower in the middle of a desert......stunning to see and a sight to behold but you have no clue how it could possibly thrive there!! Yet it can and it does.
I've seen hundreds of beautiful R's on here and they gave me hope and something to strive towards. When my friends were telling me to walk away I couldn't. I'm so grateful to myself for allowing myself to ignore my friends ( who had no idea about what infidelity feels like ) and to follow my heart.
We are happier than we have ever been, at least for now. There are also no guarantees.
Take your time and listen to your heart, while giving your mind a voice as well.
Good luck!
one thing that i did notice....and that was your age. gosh...if i were in my mid 20s....i think i would really reevaluate my m, and probably move on. at 41, it is a different ball game.
[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:43 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
If you are spending that time working on you, getting IC, making changes that impact your self esteem and make you a stronger person.
I don't care if you are 25 or 45. There is never a point in life where you are past learning and growing.
When you spend the "limbo" time learning about you and the world you live in it means you haven't wasted it. Before you know it, a year has passed. Either the WS has done some work and made the effort worth it for you to stay or they haven't. If you have done your work, you will be able to see the right way to go. It won't be a big looming question.
Do the work, listen to your inner truth and walk without making choices based on fear.
You can do this, for you, and for your children. Whether or not your R or D will show itself a little further down the road.
When I am feeling "uncertain" I try to remind myself that I don't actually have to make any lifelong decisions today.
In IC I was fortunate enough to have a good C and she explained to me that after a while in a marriage we just stop consciously thinking about the commitment to be together...it is something that just fades into the background of our lives. So she gave me an exercise to help me when I was feeling anxious and uncertain. She suggested that each and every day when I wake I could ask myself the question, ' "Can I commit to this marriage for one more day?" This was challenging my thinking when it came to decision making. Now, I no longer felt the pressure to make a decision for the rest of my life, but just for that day. So, far, even though R has been a wicked roller coaster ride, I have not felt yet that I could not commit for another day. Somehow it has taken the pressure off. My fWH's A was a "deal breaker" for me. Allow me to explain.
I am only willing to R if he demonstrates his understanding that the old marriage is dead. We have to build a new one, and just like in the early days of any new relationship, there is the necessity to build faith and trust, the necessity to prove ourselves.
And I LOVE him. I hate him too. But I love him. We have so many great memories- but he's done 2 nasty things to me (unless there's more- anxiety/fear talking here) and I struggle with feeling like he ruined it all by doing what he did.
I have these same feeling on the daily. He did ruin it, so now the question is can you give him a chance to create with you a better relationship going into the future?
I straight up told him "Yes I think I am a better person than you."
fWH told me that he knew I was a better human being than he was. But now he is striving to be better, not just ostensibly but inwardly as well. Right now this is the one thing that has kept me hanging in there.
Good luck , I am thinking of you, wishing you all the best.
[This message edited by toughernow at 9:15 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]
Married 23 years - together for 29 years
DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????) 2 amazing children
"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers
Day to day life is much improved for all of us.
The big picture of our marriage still slays me though.
I feel like I've aged 50 yrs. I don't trust people like I did. I am very cynical about love and relationships.
I think that would all be true whether or not we reconciled though. For now I'm happy to have our family together.
