"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

careerlady posted 11/1/2013 03:43 AM

When my 15 month old gets me up in the morning and we finish our snuggle, I will feed us breakfast, get ready and then drive to the courthouse. I will file amended divorce papers (cause I filed before in may but never served him but instead have him another chance cause our son got hospitalized the next day) then drive to the process server and drop off all my papers to be served.

I will then go back and play with my son, make his lunch, and take a nap with him before heading to work. When I get back from work the Evil will be home from his business trip. I will figure out a way to avoid sleeping with him and in the morning when I wake up and get dressed I will tell the process server to come serve him while he does his morning exercise.

While I''''m waiting for the server to come I will transfer half the joint savings and checking to my new account. I might also call his latest fling, a girl in one of the states he travels to that I don''''t think knows he''''s married. Haven''''t quite decided on that point. The question is what will happen once he gets served? Will he blow up? Move out? I doubt he''''ll cry. He''''ll probably think he can change my mind and will try to gaslight me about his latest affair. I am hoping he will toss down the thick wad of papers for 30 days so I can get a default judgement, which would include full physical custody with the ability to move back near family and me not having to pay alimony. If he fights me I will need a lawyer and prayer but I will see this thing out to the end.

I didn''''t want this I wanted a happy family and was willing to do just about anything to raise my son as a family unit. But he just wants to verbally abuse me and continue to cheat and expose me to disease and not go to counseling to try and change. So the best I can hope for is to escape cleanly and maybe one day find an alternate father figure for my son. Please wish me the best and offer me your advice. Part of me is sooooo excited and part of me is soooo scared! My life is about to turn on its axis again, hopefully this time in the right direction.

Thanks for reading.

[This message edited by careerlady at 4:02 AM, November 1st, 2013 (Friday)]

macakipa posted 11/1/2013 08:05 AM

Sending strength to you today careerlady. I understand your mixed feelings, but want you to know that you are doing a very brave thing for you and your son!

You well know that none of us here ever wanted to go down the road of D. We all wanted our dreams of a happy family to stay intact. But sometimes, we are thrown that curveball. The one that wakes us up to the reality of our situation. And you know, when you catch that next curveball right in the heart of your glove, you can be confident that you ARE going in the right direction.

You know the drill; when he comes home this evening, do not engage. If you have to, tell him that everything you needed to say is in the papers, and then walk away.

(((careerlady)))

nowiknow23 posted 11/1/2013 08:39 AM

Sending you strength, careerlady, even though it seems you have more than enough of your own.

My life is about to turn on its axis again, hopefully this time in the right direction.

It may get wobbly as it turns, but you will end up in the right direction. ((((hugs))))

jackie89 posted 11/1/2013 09:07 AM

sending you strength! You sound so put together. I admire you!

You gave him plenty of chances.

Good luck!

careerlady posted 11/1/2013 10:01 AM

Thanks! I'm not referencing the papers until he gets served because he is only in town for the weekend and I want to make sure the serving happens and he doesn't take off.

Any thoughts on whether I should contact this new OW who likely doesn't know he's married (at least from his patterns and the texts I've seen)? Would be fun to stick it to him and take away his flavor of the month and get confirmation they are an item so he can't gaslight but I'm worried he'll get madder and be more likely to file response papers. Really trying to avoid splitting custody with someone who unpredictably travels all the time and paying alimony

gonnabe2016 posted 11/1/2013 10:07 AM

Contacting the OW right now is likely to stir a pot that you don't want to stir right now. I'd wait and see how he behaves after he gets served and the D is underway.

Nature_Girl posted 11/1/2013 10:21 AM

The OW isn't your problem. She didn't marry you, she didn't break any vows with you. Leave her out of this. As much as it would feel good to call her & let loose on her, you need to step back. Your beef is with your cheating husband. Stick to your plan, it sounds good, but strike out the part about contacting the OW. ESPECIALLY since you're hoping you can get a summary judgment in 30 days. Just lay low & hope for the best.

BrighterFuture posted 11/2/2013 02:34 AM

Wishing you strength. In my case when I found out on DDay I just had to contact the OW because when I confronted my ex, he denied sleeping with her. I wanted to make sure that the OW knew I existed. I was able to stay calm and I got all the information I wanted that I wouldn't have been told since we were not reconciling. I was able get peace that way knowing I wasn't crazy for calling it quits, and that the fault was on him for breaking the family unit. It also gave me satisfaction to know that it wasn't going to be rosy after I exposed him. She said she didn't know that he was engaged, and would not be able to trust him.

careerlady posted 11/3/2013 01:31 AM

Today STBX was served with divorce papers. Just before that I called the other woman but pretended not to know who my husband was and hung up on me and didn't respond to my provocative text that would have engaged any decent woman. So apparently she knew.

He didn't take the serving well. Started immediately packing up his stuff and yelled about I didn't know anything when I said I couldn't believe he cheated again. He then yelled he wasn't happy and that there's be nothing between us as long as my mom was around and started ranting about my mom like she caused everything. I went in a room to do lessons with our -5 month old and he burst in the room later and snatched him from me. He hit my hand off of him and started holding him while he packed and my son was screaming and crying and so was I. He walked down the street with our son undressed in the cold and came back. Then he worked for a while, took a shower and left.

He's come back now doing more packing and he might be reading the divorce papers. I am so nervous. I don't know if he got a car seat and is planning on taking our son or what. Have to work early in the morning....I guess there's nothing I can do if he takes him, though he is asleep and he would do it just to abuse me further.

Nature_Girl posted 11/3/2013 02:03 AM

I'm so sorry this went down so badly. (((HUGS)))

But please, please, please, please don't stay so "asleep" about him taking your son from you. He's just done it right in front of your eyes. I know from personal experience that when you've been abused and are in the middle of another abuse episode, that you minimize what's happening just so you can survive it. HOWEVER, we're talking about a helpless, innocent human life here. Your baby. You need to protect him.

No safe parent would take their BABY outside, at night, in the COLD, and not properly dressed. In the middle of a raging fight. Your husband is not a safe parent right now. Your baby is not safe with him right now.

You must not allow him to take the baby. This is the time for you to unleash your inner Mama Bear and protect your baby.

The most dangerous time for a woman and her children is when the relationship with the man is in the middle of ending. Right now you are in the most dangerous time. Your husband has just acted in an acutely dangerous manner with your baby. Take steps to protect yourself and your baby!

BrighterFuture posted 11/3/2013 03:58 AM

Wow, I'm so sorry. He's showing you who he is- a selfish, aggresive POS with no remorse. Go through with the divorce and get him out of your life once and for all. You gave him enough chances.

(((careerlady)))

careerlady posted 11/3/2013 15:22 PM

Thanks.

NatureGirl,
I didn't want him to touch my child but he was stronger than me and didn't to anything overtly abusive I could call the police about. I checked and it looks like I have no legal recourse should he chose to take him. Did you have an idea?

Veryhurtbroken, I have no intention of taking him back. However, I exaggerate being hurt and wistful in the hopes that he would calm down and he has. He stopped giving me the silent treatment this am. He's now going between gas lighting and blame shifting and buttering me up sending me pictures of my son while I'm at work. He looked at the papers and claims he'd agree to all my terms except moving to SoCal because he hates my family (even had the nerve to blame them for his A ) and doesn't want to associate more with them. He says he'll fight me on it so I have to figure out if I want to go for an expensive court battle. I don't think I'll ever get it in mediation.

Heal&Deal posted 11/3/2013 19:01 PM

Have you talked to your attorney about getting a temporary order in place? In my state this can happen quickly, within a week. It sets a temporary custody/visitation and child support structure as well as other parameters, depending on your situation. This could give you some recourse if STBXH decides to snatch DS.

Please be mindful of where you have power to protect your DS and exploit it to the greatest extent possible. Definitely, ensure that DS's passport, birth cert, SS card are in your possession.

And on the OW. It is far better for your STBXH to be in fairytale fart land, focused on OW while you are trying to push a D through, than for her to leave him and give him anger to fight you. And, here is the thing. You are divorcing. If he is dating while you are M, you can expect more of the same when you are D. You will not be able to prevent his contact with skanky hags.

Sending the biggest of hugs your way, as you continue to navigate this shit storm.

momentintime posted 11/3/2013 21:38 PM

Ummm your a parent too. Why do you give him all the power, if you can't stop him from taking the baby, then he can't stop you from taking him. You are an equal partner here. Don't be intimidated, equal = equal. You can do it. No policeman is going to let a father take an infant away from his mother.

Nature_Girl posted 11/3/2013 22:02 PM

Do I have an idea? How about, "Oh HELL NO! You're not taking the baby!"

Stand up for yourself. Stand up for your baby. Do not allow him to treat you like this. What he's doing is horribly abusive. He didn't need to get physically violent with you because he's trained you to sit there & let him do what he wants because you're afraid of him.

This game won't change until you stand up & change it.

You must NOT allow him to treat you or the baby like this.

You must not allow him to take the baby away from you.

He is not a safe parent. A safe parent does not act like this.

You need to take action. You need to fight back, if necessary, to stop him from taking your baby.

careerlady posted 11/4/2013 20:55 PM

He's being "nice" now but I still don't know what I could do if he wasn't short of stabbing him. He's a fourth degree black belt.

We've just been talking with him trying to justify his As based on him not liking my family and thinking they are too intrusive blah blah. Had the nerve to say he wasn't cheating so much as "looking for happiness". He also is questioning the fairness of what I'm asking for. I personally don't give a shit whether I'm being fair but he's getting a lawyer so I'll probably have to make some concessions.

Heal&deal I am going to get a lawyer at least for consult and ask whether we need custody orders. I don't think he's actually interested enough in our son to take him away. You are right about OW, I am trying so hard not to be jealous but it's so HARD cause he was supposed to be MY Husband. How do I just stop caring that someone else is dating and enjoying him, as awful as he was to me?

nowiknow23 posted 11/4/2013 21:11 PM

I don't think he's actually interested enough in our son to take him away.

He may not be, but I assure you he knows that your son is a button he can push with you. Expect him to come back asking for full custody and child support. And twenty other ludicrous demands. I don't want you to be blindsided when he does this, because I assure you, he will.

Strength to you, hon.

StillLivin posted 11/5/2013 16:13 PM

careerlady,
Nature_Girl is right. DO NOT LET THAT PSYCHO take your baby.
If he so much as takes one step towards that door, you call the police on his sorry you know what.
Custody should have been addressed in the papers. Use that to your advantage.
And, the fastest way to get the cops to your house is to call 911, scream in the phone like a crazy woman and hang up. You will have SEVERAL cars at your home. Did a short stint as law enforcement, and as a child of severe abuse, I've had personal experience on what gets the cops to your house the fastest. Better to call from a house phone. If you can't, then make sure your GPS is turned on so they can trace the call from your cell phone. And if he so much as touches you, it is assault. If he threatens to touch you, it is battery. If he tries to keep you from calling, that is a felony! He will do jail time.
Edited for types and to add a sentence!

[This message edited by StillLivin at 4:16 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]