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t/j Don't go away mad

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Kierst13 posted 11/1/2013 09:34 AM

I do not want to muddy up the other thread because I think it is a very important thread, but it made me realize what makes me think about going away from SI.

When I read threads where newbies or those who have traveled the infidelity road for a long time, but they are struggling with the little voice that says something is wrong, or their WS is less than 100% in R with them, I want to give my experience. Then again, I don't want to be the debbie downer.

But there have been times I could see the oncoming train in a situation and the BS is wandering along the tracks and I want so badly to save them from the impact by sharing what I've been through and clearly outlining the danger signs. At the same time I have to pull back and know that I cannot and sometimes should not give those pearls of wisdom, but then when the train makes impact I want to leave because it hurts to watch a broken and scarred BS take another hit.

I have also been called on the rug for being the dark cloud, so I don't always know that I belong here.

OldCow18 posted 11/1/2013 10:01 AM

Idk, I value all input I receive. Sometimes it applies, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I think that although I understand someone's point of view, they aren't in my shoes EXACTLY but respect their thoughts.

I don't think you're advice will change a BS from taking another hit. We all have to go through this on our own timetable, we all have different situations and we all have different tolerance levels, etc. I, personally, would rather have someone tell me like it is, than a cheerleader telling me it will all be ok. We know that's not the case.

ETA, I would bet that many of us have had things happen and looked back on advice we received here and thought, wow, he/she was right, but I wasn't ready to hear it yet kinda thing.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 10:03 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 11/1/2013 10:04 AM

Kierst, I feel we need all perspectives here. Some of us are the glass half full and others are the glass half empty. Neither is right or wrong, just is.

I feel if you want to share with someone your journey, you should. As the saying here goes "Take what you need, leave the rest" would apply.

I find many of your posts to be insightful and helpful to members.

TrustGone posted 11/1/2013 10:06 AM


I am right there with you sometimes, however I do try and give back knowledge or lack there of at times. I have been going through this for 30yrs and 2 WH's later, I can see the train coming from a mile away now. Unfortunately I could not see my own and wished I had someone who had pointed it out to me. I tend to sometimes project and then have to tell myself not to respond to certain threads. I have had my hand slapped a few times myself and I usually deserved it once I thought about it. But as much support as I have recieved on SI it is worth it.

HardenMyHeart posted 11/1/2013 10:26 AM

I have also been called on the rug for being the dark cloud, so I don't always know that I belong here.

I have been on SI for over 6 years and I still struggle with giving advice versus giving support. I often feel my advice goes against the grain and makes others angry. Basically, I just try to let others know what worked for me when dealing with the emotional suffering and reconciling my marriage.

Early on in R, when I was what at what is often referred to as the rage stage, I started somewhat of a vent type thread where I disagreed with our MC. My thinking at the time was based on righteous anger and I was convinced I was right. Most of the other SI members provided support and agreed with me. However, there was one member with a response that went against the grain of the thread. I remember the response because it pissed me off to no end. My anger kept me thinking about their response over and over again. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I could not refute the advice. As a result, this one SI member and their short piece of advice completely changed the course of R.

Soon after that post, I was able to find forgiveness for my FWW and not long after that I considered my marriage happily reconciled.

My advice to you...Continue to do the best you can to help others. For all you know, yours may be the one response that changes someone's life.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:29 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

karmahappens posted 11/1/2013 10:39 AM

Hey Kierst

You have to remember those who call you out for being a debbie downer might also be hiding their own truth. What you say might just be hitting a chord.

I think the truth, as you see it, is always welcome. What isn't, is a 2x4 that draws blood, there is a big difference.

So be you, share how you feel.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:52 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

lieshurt posted 11/1/2013 10:44 AM

However, there was one member with a response that went against the grain of the thread.

I think a lot of those willing to go against the grain are brave for doing so. It's not always easy to do so.

MovingUpward posted 11/1/2013 11:14 AM

My advice to you...Continue to do the best you can to help others. For all you know, yours may be the one response that changes someone's life.

This is truly important fact. I often wonder what I can give as I am so emotionally unconnected to infidelity at this point in my healing. I often wonder how cold my responses might be because they are created without the onrush of emotions that filled me closer to d-day.

I'd encourage you to keep posting. Share your path, share the enlightenments that you have had. In the response, you give the tools for the other person to sort through their story and see what applies and doesn't.

rachelc posted 11/1/2013 11:21 AM

Harden, what was the advice? Would it apply for others?

Rebreather posted 11/1/2013 11:32 AM

Kierst, you really haven't been here that long. For that matter, compared to others, neither have I! But one thing I have learned over time, is we can't stop bad things from happening. (goodbye codependency!) It truly hurts to watch someone run headlong down the path of destruction. Sometimes we can maybe cushion the blow. But what I have learned, is most people have to learn this stuff for themselves, and learn it the hard way. And that's ok. We can be here when they begin to absorb what they've been told. Just like for all of us, this is new to people. So much of what we know from being BS or a heal WS is the opposite of what infidelity looks like to others. So, patience, grasshopper. Your words have value. But don't take it personally when they are rebuffed. Sometimes support is trying to open people's eyes, and other times it is holding their hand when they need to keep them closed.

Deeply Scared posted 11/1/2013 13:22 PM


Everyone here adds value and everyone's experiences and opinions are wonderful when shared.

Kierst13 posted 11/1/2013 14:15 PM

Thanks to all for yours words and advice. I know I am a direct personality, but I never intend to offend, I prefer to help.

fourever posted 11/1/2013 14:47 PM

I understand what you are saying. I have deleted my long post when almost done many times. Sometimes, I submit it.

I also wonder if I'm coming on too strong. But mostly, I am trying to get someone who is being hurt, know that they have power. Power to change, power to stop it, lots of power. They just haven't found it.

It's heartbreaking to read about what some are willing to accept as OK, and I just want to jump through the computer to hug them and help them.

What is too much? I just don't know.

prowoman posted 11/1/2013 15:17 PM

My advice to you...Continue to do the best you can to help others. For all you know, yours may be the one response that changes someone's life.

Absolutely this. Yeah it's a sore spot cos we're all in a rough place but apart from that everyone is just as different in their ways of thinking etc. as anywhere else. I think the shit a lot of people say to me IRL is dumb, and I'm sure people feel the same way about me. And I really don't care. Just put your shit out there and let the reader worry about what to do with what you say, hate it love it or indifferent. Also other people could be reading your response to whoever you're responding to and they might get something out of it.

Also yours is a username I recognize and I'm a newbie and there aren't a lot that I do. and I will read what you post because I find it helpful in my circumstance.

Simple posted 11/1/2013 15:30 PM

Honestly, Kierst13, you just never know what your words' impact would be, a day from now, 2 days, or 10 years from now. It's like all those sayings my grandmother was telling me growing up, I just followed without really knowing. Looking back, I'm glad I did and how big an impact what she said to me decades later is amazing. But when I was a child, I couldn't have understood or known.

Hope that makes sense. Even if it is a "downer" who cares? you've given your opinion and point-of-view, that's all we could do in most cases and hoped it helped someone in some way.

Just like what I'm doing now .

Hugs your way.

sisoon posted 11/1/2013 16:58 PM


What makes SI work is the experience we share with one another, and your experience is as valuable as everybody else's.

I post a lot, but even almost 3 years out, I don't go into JFO, because it's too painful for me. (And even though I post a lot, I draft more responses than I actually submit.)

If you've been confronted for being at low points here, remember that your recovery is new, and it's natural to be very far down in the early stages. More important, you're always where you are, and that's OK.

I believe you belong here if you want to belong here. IMO, you may actually belong here most when you're afraid you don't.

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