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Letter to the WH

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all_4_my_son posted 11/1/2013 09:43 AM

Anytime he and I talk anymore, it just blows up, even if the conversation starts about something mundane like my car acting up, it ends up ending on his A.

I want to write him a letter because I don't know how to tactfully speak to him anymore without he or I getting upset and shutting down.

Is this a good idea? I have been reading over the 180 and it seems that the 180 wants us to not have any contact at all with the WS, and just put on a fake smile and be something we aren't in hopes of winning them back - that's not me. If we're meant to be, he'll come back whether I am being a b*tch or not....right?

Anyway...I have been giving this letter some thought - what do you all think?

In it, I basically would state how his actions have hurt me and our son and what I need from him to make it right again (if that's even possible). I am also putting in there the deal breakers, which may push him over the edge, but if that's the case, then a reconcilliation isn't in the cards I guess...

Help me - I know I sound like a stark raving mad woman right now, but really, I'm just scared. All I've known for the last 18 years is this life with my husband....

SisterMilkshake posted 11/1/2013 09:55 AM

I have been reading over the 180 and it seems that the 180 wants us to not have any contact at all with the WS, and just put on a fake smile and be something we aren't in hopes of winning them back - that's not
That is not what the 180 is about. The 180 is for WS's who are still "foggy" not remorseful, or still cheating. The 180 is for you becoming emotionally detached to prevent you from becoming further hurt by the WS's hurtful behaviours.

Is your WS remorseful?

OldCow18 posted 11/1/2013 09:56 AM

We're just shy of 5 months out, so it's still very new, but I totally relate to all conversations ending in a blow out. We are not communicating well at all. The best "talks" we've had have been through email. I started with a long letter, then he responded to each paragraph in a different color and the conversation went on and on and it was very helpful. Seems when you have to really think about what you are going to say/write and it's out there "on paper" you put more thought into the words and choose them more carefully. I'm all for the letter idea.

all_4_my_son posted 11/1/2013 10:07 AM

Milkshake -

He says he knows he has "f*cked up" and can't change the past. He would like for me to get over it (which I know most WS' do) and that he turned to the OW because he didn't feel that I wanted him anymore.

I also know that I did not make the choice for him to have an affair (or ONS - he only slept with her once he time and never with the 2nd whore), but I wasn't the kindest wife either - I can be down right cruel when I want to be....

SisterMilkshake posted 11/1/2013 10:13 AM

Can you go to MC? You have a problem with communicating. We waited until we got to MC to have discussions about the affair. It kept us both in check. We learned how to communicate better.

Letters are great for us. However, the problem with letters can be the same as talking. They can sound accusatory and that will make a WS defensive.

How about going to Retrouvaille?

TrustGone posted 11/1/2013 10:31 AM

If you feel a letter might help, I say go for it. It appears that you and your WH are much like me and my WH. We are a little over a year out from DDay#2 and he just wants it to go away now. He knows he majorly screwed up and he hates it and I know he does, but that doesn't make the elephant in the room go away. We actually do the same thing if we start to discuss one thing or another, it leads back to the LTA. It is very frustrating and makes R very hard. He refuses IC or MC, so we are pretty much stuck in LimboLand with our marriage. It really sucks and I just wanted you to know that you were heard and not alone.

StillLivin posted 11/1/2013 11:29 AM

just put on a fake smile and be something we aren't in hopes of winning them back

The 180 is NOT to win your WS back. It is for you to be able to distance yourself from the drama, hurt, devastation. It is not for his benefit or punishment at all.

It is for helping you to heal! Look at it again, or better yet, order the whole book and read it. You can control nothing with him. You can only control how much you allow him to hurt you more than he already has.

I don't know if it is the same for you, but my STXWH creates arguements...mostly with the dial tone or my voice mail nowadays. He did it successfully for about 3 months til I figured out what he was doing. He justified his A by saying our marriage wasn't good anymore. He would start getting mad about nothing at all. One time, I agreed with him, and he still started screaming at me.

I hope you find your peace within the 180. None of us deserve to be cheated on or their hateful behavior.

BeyondBreaking posted 11/1/2013 12:37 PM

I have been reading over the 180 and it seems that the 180 wants us to not have any contact at all with the WS, and just put on a fake smile and be something we aren't in hopes of winning them back - that's not me.

That is not what the 180 is all about.

A 180 is uaually recommended for BS to try because their WS is still cheating, not remorseful, or still in the fog. It is a way of emotionally detaching as a way to protect yourself from being hurt further AND beginning steps for moving forward if you are planning to D.

I think writing a letter is a great idea, and saving that letter or discussing it WITH your H is a good thought too. Making your expectations clear, and what you expect from him in writing is a good idea so that he knows and understands what he needs to do AND is good reference for you so that you can hold him accountable. Be as clear and specific with goals as possible. For example, you could say "cut off contact with OP." Or, you could be more specific about it, and describe how you are going to double check, and what will happen if he breaks NC by saying: "Cutting off contact with the OP means writing and sending a certified NC letter to OP tomorrow. Blocking her from phone and e-mail and showing me that she is blocked. If she attempts to make contact, messages should be saved and shown to me immediately, and then deleted after I have seen them- no responce. If NC is broken, I will be moving out with the kids."

chinup posted 11/1/2013 12:56 PM

I can't offer much useful advice as I am with still cheating husband and need to write a letter/do 180 myself but wanted you to know I understand how all this can feel, how crazy we can sound and feel sometimes, and just how scary it can all be. I have been married 16 years and dated 2 years before that . This lying and cheating turns our worlds upside down and requires some hard decisions and actions on our part.

I wish you strength and courage as I do for myself . You've gotten lots of good advice. Do and say what you need for you as you figure those needs out.

all_4_my_son posted 11/1/2013 13:39 PM

For those asking about MC, we did twice before and it didn't work and he is not wanting to do it again and honestly, neither am I

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