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Advice please so I know I'm not crazy

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velvethammer posted 11/1/2013 10:01 AM

So the Retrouvaille "honeymoon period" lasted 5 days. At least I had 5 days of happy which is pretty good for me at this point.

Here's where I'm at right now and finding it totally frustrating and confusing. When I'm not around him, I'm looking for things to help me mostly but us too as I will forward things I find to him. When I'm around him, I want out. He's a big walking trigger/reminder of the worst pain in my life.

I know I've read some comments similar to this but I'm just wondering if anyone went through this phase (?) and 1) is this a "normal" reaction and 2) what did you do that helped you get out of it?

It's crazy making. I'm trying to work on it when he's not around then when he is around I don't want to work on it anymore.

Reality posted 11/1/2013 10:21 AM

Hi, Velvet. My first question would be what is he doing to work on things? How is he when he's around you?

It can be really easy to focus on the best possible result and fuel your way on hope. I know for myself, when I'm away from WH, I think of all the good things, of all his best progress and important things he's said. I focus on the best picture possible of him and us and where I hope we're going. I spend a lot of time researching and finding more information to help us achieve that.

Then, when I'm around WH, often he's disconnected or consumed with things on his "To Do" list. Those chances to really connect - all those times that we had connected, memories of which I'd carried around in my mind like precious jewels all day - don't play out. On good days, we connect and all the optimism and hope that propelled me through the day get recharged. On bad days, when circumstances (or choices) get in the way, I feel like a good part of my day was a fraud. That I'm playing some naive imaginary game with myself.

When we are coming out of a situation like being betrayed and our trust and optimism has been horribly damaged, all those times where it feels like the WS isn't making as much effort to find those connection and growth times are terribly triggering. Normal effort in the relationship (if there is such a thing) just doesn't fly in such an imbalanced situation. Special effort and looking for places to heal and grow are essential.

It sounds like you are doing that. So I'll ask you again - what is HE doing to find those times? Is he making your time together rewarding and fulfilling? Is he still that guy who caused you all that pain?

velvethammer posted 11/1/2013 10:37 AM

He has done everything I've asked as far as changing his number, shutting down all email accounts except for one that we share, giving me passwords to fb, going on AD's, going to IC, changing jobs and getting a second part time job to make up for the money spent on his affairs, working out, reading books, etc.

He wants to spend time with me but I find it difficult to be around him and push him away a lot. Now that I'm sitting here really thinking about it, I think it's a vulnerability thing. I don't feel comfortable letting my walls down. I've never been one for lots of affection so I see all these posts about getting hugs from the wayward and I didn't actually feel the need for hugs from him before any of this happened so I sure as hell don't feel it now. I just don't know how to be around him without the mind movies reminding me he's the enemy.

Also, my number one priority right now is me feeling better, not the relationship. I don't know if I'll stay in this but I do know I don't want to be on this roller coaster anymore and it's pissing me off that the mind movies keep putting me back on it. They seem worse or more frequent when he's around.

heforgotme posted 11/2/2013 13:18 PM

When I'm not around him, I'm looking for things to help me mostly but us too as I will forward things I find to him. When I'm around him, I want out.

I have the exact opposite problem. When I'm around him I'm fine, but when I'm not I want out.

Being around him reminds me that he's a different guy now, a GOOD guy.

But when he's gone (which he is alot), it's way harder to remember that. When thoughts of everything he's done to me come into my head, they're much harder to get rid of and tend to snowball.

Not sure what the answer is to either of these.....

Ashland13 posted 11/2/2013 13:23 PM

I had that during false R and I have it far worse now. He is a huge trigger and I find it hard even to look at him or hear his voice.

What's hard here is to know that he's had this whole entire life that I don't know about and he's someone I can't relate to now.

Knowing that he's been out in the world in ways that I will never know put me over the edge sometimes, with emotions, and knowing that he's actually lived with strangers and known women ...well...that's the basis of him being a trigger for me.

When I have to see him nowadays, I find that my mind is full of questions and I find myself literally studying him with my eyes, maybe searching for differences?

But I am still in it so have no active advice and am sorry that your going through it.

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