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Crazy stuff I live with -- very long

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chinup posted 11/1/2013 11:11 AM

I just posted a whole other thread about my IC seeming to think I might be reading more into my present situation because of past.

First I have been a very trusting spouse. Obviously too trusting and always willing to explain away aberrations in behavior that I saw with plausible explanations .

But in order for me to move on, make decisions, confront this I feel like I should have my eyes wide open and be a lot less trusting when similar behaviors are exhibited and actually more as from the past when he was involved before.

I'll just list some, but I think I could as could all of us, probably write a weekly column on wayward behavior.

My WH likes to pull disappearing acts where all of a sudden we can't find him for 5-10 minutes. Even the kids have started noticing this. Sometimes he'll be outside when he had no reason to go outside. He never tells us where he is going, he is just gone .
For instance, he had a bike race last Saturday, cyclocross . People can stand all along the course to watch. Originally I wasn't going but then decided it would be possible . Got oldest to babysit. Told husband and usually he would be happy. This time he said , oh, okay . Five minutes later, he says the forecast said it was going to rain and I probably wouldn't want to go in the rain. I said if you are racing in the rain, I can watch and use umbrella . At this point I am thinking he had someone else going. The course would be spread out and even his friends wouldn't notice or be able to tell if a woman on the sideline was there cheering him on.
So we get there and he is flitting around visiting with people, riding his bike to warm up and then disappearing for a few and then reappearing. I talk to some other people I know but he has basically left me to my own devices and I don't always know where he is. Race starts. He rides.

I'm there right at finish to congrats and he walks right past me and starts talking to his friends. I go over and ask him if he even saw me at finish and he said yes. I said why didn't you even talk to me. Nothing .

So, hanging around after, putting things away, flitting around again, and I realize he is gone. Can't find him anywhere . I ask a a friend of ours who was leaving but he didn't know. Don't know how long he was gone , 15 minutes maybe, who knows. All of a sudden he comes up riding on his best friends bike. He said he saw the bike and took off to go talk to his friend out on the course who was cleaning up. Well I know the friend was doing that but why not tell me. That night I saw his suspected dating profile had been logged in during that time and its not a very active profile. So don't know if someone was there or if he used that time to get away to correspond on phone .

Couple weeks ago we went on vacation. He goes on a mountain bike ride on the trails on the property. Gone 2 hours. Doesn't take phone which is odd because for safety reasons he should have one so I suspect he took secret phone. He gets back. Friends ask how his ride was. He answers in all truth I suspect because he probably rarely lies to anyone but me and he wasn't thinking. He said, "oh I didn't ride very long, maybe 3 or 4 miles." What? Gone for 2 hours and only that far? He would usually have ridden 8-15. So I say in front of our friends, "wow, that's all you rode? You sure were gone a long time?" He starts back pedaling, saying it was probably more than that and that he did go over to those other trails to check them out. I call BS! I think his first spontaneous response was correct!

This man is religious, absolutely methodical about keeping track of his mileage. He has a good feel to a half mile or mile how far he has gone even without a computer because he knows how far he can travel in a certain time based on difficulty. We were pretty rural but still decent cell phone coverage so who knows what he was doing but it wasn't biking for 2 hours.

Then last night trick or treating, we are walking through our friends neighborhood , and my husband is ahead of me as usual but he is walking really fast. I notice this petite blonde lady staring a him with a very odd smile and I notice she almost decides to talk to him a couple times but he keeps going. Wish I had thought to say something to her but I was so surprised that I kept going.

So I catch up to my husband and I don't always bring up stuff I notice but I did with this. I said there was a blond lady looking at you like she knew you and wanted to say something and you walked right past. He spluttered and said he didn't see, didn't know, tried to blow it off . Five minutes later walking along he tells me he lost his bike tool from his pocket and needs to go back to look for it. So then he's gone another 5-10 minutes, of course in the direction we saw the lady.

As I suspect my husband of playing the field, dating several woman, I have always wondered if we would run into someone .

Her look made me think of someone who might be thinking ,"There he is with his family!"

So that's some of the crazy. Long but good to tell. I know others can relate on here.

MovingUpward posted 11/1/2013 11:23 AM

I'm there right at finish to congrats and he walks right past me and starts talking to his friends. I go over and ask him if he even saw me at finish and he said yes. I said why didn't you even talk to me. Nothing .

I'd like to hear your IC's interpretation of this and how you are reading more into it. Because to me with no history, he rudely blew you off for friends. Clearly showing by his actions who was more important to him.

Ostrich80 posted 11/1/2013 11:25 AM

So I'm not sure if your venting or if you want comment on what you suspect.
Its not crazy stuff, its suspicious stuff in my opinion. It was already sounding fishy but the Halloween thing...oh yea that sealed it up for me. Oh and the 2 hour disappearing act, another flag. I think the five to ten min MIA's are phone calls or texts to someone.
So do you want to catch him? Have you checked the phone bill for #'s? But you say he's got a profile on a dating sight? Does he know you know?

emotionalgirl posted 11/1/2013 11:34 AM

Time for a serious 180 and lots of investigation so that you can get the proof you need. Also I read your other post....time for a new counsellor!

Good luck!

By the way, you so so far from crazy you couldn't find it if you tried. You are very sane living with a secretive cheating spouse!

Charity411 posted 11/1/2013 11:46 AM

What you are describing is exactly what was happening to my sister a few years ago. They were married for 25 years at the time. My BIL would disappear for periods of time. We'd find him outside on his cell phone supposedly for his job. I noticed it more than my sister did because I had the advantage, or disadvantage of having been cheated on. He did exactly the same dismissive treatment of my sister. He'd walk several feet in front of her and at times completely ignore her. After he said he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce they started marriage counseling because she just thought it was a rough spot in the marriage. At some point it all just changed. He decided it could change and it did and things went back to normal.

She found out about three years later that he had been having an affair at that time. He decided to just end the affair because he'd always been the good guy who stayed married unlike his siblings. He liked being better than them. In counseling he never fessed up. My sister found out when he got a call at home and he sat down and cried. The OW died. What I had a hard time getting over and still do to some extent is that he went to OW's funeral 140 miles away on my sister's anniversary. I don't know how my sister ever got over that.

On the bright side she did forgive that. They are still very happily married. Good things came out of it all. My sister took over the finances for one. Prior to that she never paid bills or looked at credit card statements. And he became very transparent with her. He travels all over the world for his job and no matter where he is he checks in with her several times a day. They have a better relationship than ever.

SisterMilkshake posted 11/1/2013 11:52 AM

I'm there right at finish to congrats and he walks right past me and starts talking to his friends.
From someone else who was
always willing to explain away aberrations in behavior that I saw with plausible explanations
there was someone there watching him. He had to ignore you or blow his image. Everything you say are tiny red flags that all add up to a matador swinging his big red cape. You can't miss it.

I paused in the middle of my post to go read some background on you. You don't have anything in your profile so I went and read all your posts.

Gently, chinup, please go file. You know he is cheating, he knows you know and yet he continues. It is all just one big fucking game to your < I am so sorry> asswipe of a WH! I am a very pro marriage person.

What happened with the dentist appointment? Did you wind up dropping it? You said you have a lawyer you want to hire. Please do and go file. Stop this macabre dance you two are doing. It will drive you crazy. And, yes you are living with very crazy shit. Your IC is dense. Please go to the one who was probably telling you the truth and encouraging you to do the hard stuff that you weren't ready to hear.

Please tell me you aren't having sex with this NPD and that you are doing the 180. ((((chinup))))

Ostrich80 posted 11/1/2013 12:02 PM

Just remembered back in the beginning of the A. My ws would walk ahead of me. I would be dragging an ice chest, chairs, stuff to watch my kids games. Guy Smiley was ten feet ahead. I wanted to stick the umbrella up his arse for not walking with me. Well his ap was there. Her kid played with ours. So if he was helping me and being the dutiful husband he couldn't pull the, we aren't getting along card. I mean really who wouldn't believe him, by the time I was seated, I was pissed off, muttering under my breath and giving him the stink eye so yea, there's his grouchy pissed of wife...poor guy..

chinup posted 11/1/2013 12:22 PM

Movingupward-- I would love to know my IC's interpretation too. I couldn't believe my husband was so rude. We have a lot of relationship issues that I sometimes forget because of the pain of all this other stuff going on but that was just so so rude and made me feel like nothing.

Ostrich80. -- I am venting and looking for comments and really hoping to know I'm not crazy with all this. It would be even more suspicious if I wrote everything. I've only scratched the surface and highlighted some of the bigger things. Or how about the night he talked in his sleep and mentioned and said something about an escort which he said wasn't what I thought it was. I laughed and said, oh of course not .

I have some var evidence that he had a woman in his car possibly making out or more but it's not great. I have evidence he may have a secret phone that I don't have access too. If he carries out anything on his regular phone it's through apps that don't show up on phone bill . I have brought up the dating profile which he flatly refuses is him but if I wrote a post on my suspicion and evidence I think a lot would agree it is him or likely him and several of my friends agree and my former IC.

I feel like I need more evidence to convince me but at the same time this behavior I am living with is driving me nuts. I wonder what other people have gone through and how they ultimately dealt with or are dealing with this crazy making behavior.

Also I have never seen a woman look at my husband like that except for a friend of his over a year ago with whom I suspected an inappropriate relationship at the least but never confirmed.

Emotional girl -- I agree it may be at least 180 time, especially just to improve my mental health.

Short of hiring a PI, I am not sure if I will get any other info . He is very careful and secretive. Unless an ow shows up or I talk to a couple people I know who might know something, I may not get more than I have. He figured out I have var in his car. He leaves it there but I think he finds it and shuts it off. I think he knows my user name here too but not 100% sure.

I'm tired of this situation and it just gets pretty overwhelming at times and its easy to get sucked back into let's be a family and maybe there really isn't anything going on but I'm imagining it. It's hard to know what to plan and how to implement 180 with impact on children, and how much digging to do asking people about him.

Thank you for saying I'm not crazy! I had a good friend have a paranoid psychotic breakdown a couple years ago. It was hard to see her go through it . She thought the government was spying on her and marking her car to warn her, etc. she finally got meds and got better but sometimes I worry that is what is happening to me but I don't ever have all the other stuff going on with me that she did.

ajsmom posted 11/1/2013 12:31 PM

My X did this too.


Hardware store runs - a sudden interest in walking - far too many "Oops...I forgot this/that" at the grocery store - phone chats in the cul de sac RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE claiming to have been with his daughter because, "You know how she goes on and on about stuff."

This is textbook gaslighting. The makin' you crazy variety. I believe it's on page 394 of the WS Handbook, in the chapter named "How To Make Your BS Think They're Crazy."

You are completely onto something when you suspect a secret phone. That's what I was dealing with.

Time to go into hyper search mode. Look for a charger in every outlet you have, including the garage and basement. Check for small hiding places - my X's favorites were the crawl space in the ceiling in our master closet, the upper hallway linen closet and the access door to the Jacuzzi. ETA: Oh, and his golf bag. He's an original, that one.

Never EVER discount your gut. Sorry, but your IC has it all wrong. Yours is screaming at you.

And for the record, mine was never wrong.


[This message edited by ajsmom at 12:35 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

chinup posted 11/1/2013 14:29 PM

Charity411- That must have been really hard for your sister. That's an awful lot to go through, especially the funeral on her anniversary. I would say I can't even imagine but unfortunately I can as I have experienced some pretty callous behavior from my own husband, probably not A related but still horrible nonetheless .

I am glad it has worked out well for her.

There sure are similarities in the spousal behavior. It blows my mind that each story or situation can be different yet the behavior from the wayward spouse be similar. It is absolutely heartbreaking.

Sometimes I think laws should be brought back against adultery, pay a large fine or something if caught or sentenced to charity work . Something!

chinup posted 11/1/2013 17:50 PM

Sistermilkshake-- I have taken some time to digest your reply. it did hit some tender spots and had me crying but i think you are right. your explanation of his behavior at the bike race makes total sense and actually explains some other times he has been this way. Usually he is proud to have me there and affectionate and somewhat attentive.

Thank you for reading all my posts to give such a thoughtful answer. I know I am just going to have to step up to the plate and get this done. It is crazy making and the family dynamics are just so out of whack and I'm having such a hard time concentrating on anything. I am just so scared about such a big step and the unknown but I know I can't go on like this indefinitely.

I did not go into town that day of the dentist appointment. I stayed home with my kids instead.

I will get in with my other IC. Yes I am still having sex. He initiated last night I think to distract me from what happened trick or treating . He wasn't that into it so I felt less than wanted .

So I need to stop with the sex, get tested, and read up on 180 and start that.

It makes me feel so scared and small.
It all feels so overwhelming but more manageable with everyone's help here.

I know a couple more people replied and I want to comment on that as well but I probably won't be able to reply anymore until tomorrow although I will still be able to read the forum.

Thank you again for reading and replying !

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