We just had a huge fight on the phone, him yelling at me to give him a break and just take all his money.
Yes, I have things I need to talk about. Yes, everyday there is something A or R related I want to say. Am I being unreasonable? I pushing too much?
I feel like he doesn't quite get it yet...this is my #1 focus... My work is sliding, my school is sliding, but he needs a break from it.
I hung up because I couldn't take it.
There are steps forward, and I know steps back are to be expected, I just don't know how much we can take.
I didn't understand when people said it wasn't the A that killed the marriage...I get that now. If we don't make it it won't be because of the A, it will be because of power, selfishness and money trumping all else.
I am, again, considering moving out ASAP. Perhaps that will give him a wake up, and if it doesn't because he's too proud better to know now than later.
He's sick of talking about it? I'm sure you're sick of living it every 5 seconds. Or, if you're like me so soon after d-day, sick of living it every time you took a breath. Every time your heart beat and you could literally feel the pain of it breaking.
I don't have a fix, just know that if you accept less than you need...that's exactly what you'll get.
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 1:31 PM, November 1st (Friday)]
I will say that my wife's betrayal consumed me for 3 months after DD. I think it unreasonable to believe or have a goal that you should not have a ton of questions at this point in your journey.
I will also say my wife choose to continue to nurture and feed her affair...almost at a feverish rate...after my DD. I can only explain it as if she were an addict and had to "shoot up quick" because the cops were on the way .
You are in a different M now. Your trust of him is gone...he gave that up. You are now in a "trust but verify" mode. One way you verify is you ask questions. I did NOT do this early or as often as I should have. I failed to recognize the M I knew was dead....it had been killed the moment my wife chose adultery over our M. I was so ill-equipped to recognize what reality was. For that I have much regret.
I pray you are stronger and more wise then I was 1 month in. You found this site early...I found it 4 months after DD.
Love Must Be Tough by dr James Dobson would prove useful to you.
Post and visit SI often.
God be with you both.
Gently I ask, are you sure the A is over? My H confessed his A to me, but it was early on in it, and I don't think he really felt it was 'finished'. After awhile he began to feel like he was being punished for something he didn't do, instead of rewarded for not doing something he wanted to. He was primed and ready when OW came back, whispering in his ear about how hard I was being on him, how I should be grateful to have a man like him, how I didn't respect him, blah blah blah.
I haven't read your story, but in my own experience my H's aggression and anger has always been a way of deflecting attention off himself and his behavior. The guiltier I felt about my responses, the less I focused on his actions.
It's still very hard for him to answer questions when I have them, but I rarely have them anymore because he DOES answer them. The more withholding he is, the more questions I have. It isn't punishment to want to know what lies your husband has told you, and what the truth about your relationship has been.
Really, it's their ability to compartmentalize that allows them to stay in the A in the first place. You shouldn't feel in the wrong for not being able to shove out of your mind something of paramount importance to your life. If he's not even willing to look at the pain that he has inflicted, then he is not willing to do everything necessary to help you heal.
I am 99% sure the A is done. I have been verifying a lot. She's pissed at him and sees herself as a victim in this too.
I am so mad.
Another stage to familiarize yourself with. (If you haven't already )is "The fog"....it is very painful.... Read up on that and protect yourself. I failed to do either and it added to my pain and lengthened my recovery period.
Please keep posting....
God be with you.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:55 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]