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roarlouder posted 11/1/2013 11:35 AM

WS and I are in counselling... I have been trying not to ask questions that I don't feel are going to change anything (no pain shopping) I feel like other than MC this week, we haven't talked about it much at all. Yesterday there was no mention of it, other than I asked him to quit talking/planning for us to fail..."what you think about you bring about". When I do bring it up, his response this week has been he's sick of talking about it every 5 minutes.

We just had a huge fight on the phone, him yelling at me to give him a break and just take all his money.

Yes, I have things I need to talk about. Yes, everyday there is something A or R related I want to say. Am I being unreasonable? I pushing too much?
I feel like he doesn't quite get it yet...this is my #1 focus... My work is sliding, my school is sliding, but he needs a break from it.

OldCow18 posted 11/1/2013 11:54 AM

Your D-day is September?? OF COURSE THIS IS YOUR NUMBER ONE FOCUS, it should be HIS too.

roarlouder posted 11/1/2013 12:03 PM

I know, I know. I wish he was doing nothing, then I could have no hope and walk. We have a few good, positive days then he seems to think it should all be over and loses it on me. He just called me and referred to me "as boss" saying he works for me now until I fire him (divorce) and release him from the torture chamber.

I hung up because I couldn't take it.

roarlouder posted 11/1/2013 13:01 PM

I need some tough love and advice. I know he's lashing out because he feels powerless and is not used to feeling that way. He's used to being in control of everything in his life.

There are steps forward, and I know steps back are to be expected, I just don't know how much we can take.

I didn't understand when people said it wasn't the A that killed the marriage...I get that now. If we don't make it it won't be because of the A, it will be because of power, selfishness and money trumping all else.

I am, again, considering moving out ASAP. Perhaps that will give him a wake up, and if it doesn't because he's too proud better to know now than later.

Holly-Isis posted 11/1/2013 13:31 PM

he's sick of talking about it every 5 minutes.

He's sick of talking about it? I'm sure you're sick of living it every 5 seconds. Or, if you're like me so soon after d-day, sick of living it every time you took a breath. Every time your heart beat and you could literally feel the pain of it breaking.

I don't have a fix, just know that if you accept less than you need...that's exactly what you'll get.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 1:31 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

roarlouder posted 11/1/2013 13:34 PM

Thank you. So how do I accept less? Walk away because of how he's behaving?
He's a serious issue-rug sweeper. Dealing with anything unpleasant is foreign to him

blakesteele posted 11/1/2013 13:42 PM

Since your DD is so recent I will refrain from flooding you with lots of thoughts.

I will say that my wife's betrayal consumed me for 3 months after DD. I think it unreasonable to believe or have a goal that you should not have a ton of questions at this point in your journey.


I will also say my wife choose to continue to nurture and feed her affair...almost at a feverish rate...after my DD. I can only explain it as if she were an addict and had to "shoot up quick" because the cops were on the way .

You are in a different M now. Your trust of him is gone...he gave that up. You are now in a "trust but verify" mode. One way you verify is you ask questions. I did NOT do this early or as often as I should have. I failed to recognize the M I knew was dead....it had been killed the moment my wife chose adultery over our M. I was so ill-equipped to recognize what reality was. For that I have much regret.

I pray you are stronger and more wise then I was 1 month in. You found this site early...I found it 4 months after DD.

Love Must Be Tough by dr James Dobson would prove useful to you.

Post and visit SI often.

God be with you both.

plainpain posted 11/1/2013 13:49 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is not fair. I do think the WS often just wants to put it all behind them. They have known all along what has been going on, and have been able to process at their own pace, but you are just finding out and you need what you need. I needed information so that I could make an informed decision about my own life.

Gently I ask, are you sure the A is over? My H confessed his A to me, but it was early on in it, and I don't think he really felt it was 'finished'. After awhile he began to feel like he was being punished for something he didn't do, instead of rewarded for not doing something he wanted to. He was primed and ready when OW came back, whispering in his ear about how hard I was being on him, how I should be grateful to have a man like him, how I didn't respect him, blah blah blah.

I haven't read your story, but in my own experience my H's aggression and anger has always been a way of deflecting attention off himself and his behavior. The guiltier I felt about my responses, the less I focused on his actions.

It's still very hard for him to answer questions when I have them, but I rarely have them anymore because he DOES answer them. The more withholding he is, the more questions I have. It isn't punishment to want to know what lies your husband has told you, and what the truth about your relationship has been.

Really, it's their ability to compartmentalize that allows them to stay in the A in the first place. You shouldn't feel in the wrong for not being able to shove out of your mind something of paramount importance to your life. If he's not even willing to look at the pain that he has inflicted, then he is not willing to do everything necessary to help you heal.

roarlouder posted 11/1/2013 14:29 PM

Most days he's willing, but when it's bad it's real bad. Name calling, blaming... Real messed up emotional manipulation on both our parts.

I am 99% sure the A is done. I have been verifying a lot. She's pissed at him and sees herself as a victim in this too.

I am so mad.

roarlouder posted 11/1/2013 14:34 PM

A is done, as in no contact. But he's hung up on if anything she said to him was true. So it's not currently happening, but he has unfinished business with it for sure.

blakesteele posted 11/2/2013 08:50 AM

Plain pain speaks wisdom. Worth rereading her post several times. All of it has wisdom....but at your early stage the part about how long a WS had to process their actions compared to that of a BS is a HUGE factor at how differently the WS and a as respond to DD.


Another stage to familiarize yourself with. (If you haven't already )is "The fog"....it is very painful.... Read up on that and protect yourself. I failed to do either and it added to my pain and lengthened my recovery period.

Please keep posting....

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:55 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

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