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NoAnswers37 posted 11/1/2013 11:45 AM

This question was posed at a business presentation I went to today at work, and it really made me think of all of us.

I have asked myself the same question in terms of my experience with infidelity, and here is my answer:

I would let go of the past.
I would be excited for the future.
I would be living now and not just existing.
I would be wondering who the next guy is, with that lovely naive knowing that he would be "the one".
I would be looking forward to giving my heart to someone again and that glorious feeling of unconditional trust.
I would feel hopeful.

Basically, I would go back in time to what I was like before him. Instead I am terrified of all the above.

HOWEVER, perhaps by me recognising my fears, I am one step closer in my recovery. Perhaps one day I will feel like that again?

So I ask you:

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

[This message edited by NoAnswers37 at 11:46 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

neverdidithink posted 11/1/2013 11:52 AM

I would trust my heart to someone without fear that they'll smash it to pieces

I would laugh and dance and feel true joy

I would look forward to retirement and weddings and grandchildren

Notmetoo2011 posted 11/1/2013 12:01 PM

I would ask WH to leave and start afresh.

chinup posted 11/1/2013 14:48 PM

I would set myself free from the infidelity, find a way to love and trust again and believe that I am attractive and lovable (husband likes thinner more beautiful women than me), and find a career that still lets me see my extended family and spend quality time with my children. And identify and live some of my dreams. Sometimes that seems like a wishful fairy tale ! But I have hope.

Chippednotbroken posted 11/1/2013 14:53 PM

I would take my kids and move back home and open a floral shop. I would never re-marry. I would date whoever I wanted and i would live without worrying about anybody but my kids.

heforgot posted 11/1/2013 14:57 PM

I would ask WH for more details.

still2suspicious posted 11/1/2013 14:57 PM

I would have kicked him out after skank #2.

I would have definitely stayed gone (had moved out before Dday) after learning about bitchface (#1 and 3, same OW)

I would have the courage, right now, to rip him a new one, as I have never really shown my anger to him, and tell him what I really think of him.

And I would have enough love for myself to leave him, without all my ducks in a row, and worry about the rest tomorrow.

eta: forgot a key word

[This message edited by still2suspicious at 2:58 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

TrustGone posted 11/1/2013 15:12 PM

I would have finished the divorce after I filed it and would be concentrating on my career and my future.I would have not stayed with NPD XWH#1 for 22yrs. I would kick WH#2 to the curb and not worry about what or who would be there for me when I get my liver transplant or even if I get a new liver. I would not worry about insurance, debts, and fucked up kids that I have now. I could go on and on, but this is the life I have and what I was dealt and it's what I have to live with.

Simple posted 11/1/2013 15:21 PM

For some reason when I saw that headline the first thing that popped into my head was that I would not see the point in living. I am not the type to commit suicide or give up. I am a very resilient stubborn, rock-type person who's known to be very independent with a strong personality. So it's kind of a shock to myself when I thought that. I guess being afraid of consequences if I do kill myself is a healthy thing... I believe in God and in my church suicide is like murder to oneself so it's bad. In this case I'm glad I believe in a higher being. It has a purpose in my life. I want my kids to have their mother, I want to be able to hold them and hug them and wipe their tears away, I want to be able to make love with my H, I want to play games online, I want to take my kids out to carousel and arcade, I want to travel everywhere in the world with my family, etc.

I guess being afraid in my case is not a bad thing!!!

ascian posted 11/1/2013 15:38 PM

In a very weird way, my wife's affair stripped away a lot of my fears...or at the least showed me that I was bigger than the fears were.

I feared losing my family; and I was faced with that, came up with a plan, and was alright.

I feared losing my friends; and was betrayed by two of my best friends, and am still alive and alright.

I feared being embarrassed; and have had to explain my wife's affair to two counselors, a lawyer, and strangers on the internet, and I'm still alright.

I'm not perfect, I still worry about things and have moments of insecurity, but my wife's affair showed me that I could face my fears. It took away my illusion of control over some things, and in doing that revealed what I actually do have control over and so I've been concentrating on those things.

We've discussed this, between us, and have decided that English needs a word that's kind of like thank you, but without the obligation implied. "Thank you hurting me and showing me how strong I am and allowing me to start fixing my weaknesses, now sod off" or some sentiment like that. :D

ShockedErica11 posted 11/1/2013 15:47 PM

I would probably leave.
Leave my current career and move to NYC with my daughter and truly jump head first into my dreams.
Travel to different countries.
Start a "real" business.
Flirt, and dance around along the sidewalk like I used to with my Ipod playing.
Sing in front of people.
Go back to doing slam poetry.

A lot of things...

Ostrich80 posted 11/1/2013 15:50 PM

I would ask WH to leave and start afresh.

This ^^^^
I would also stop over thinking. I would be spontaneous and not be afraid of making a mistake. I would say more yes's and less no's. Take chances and really LIVE LIFE!!!

torn2pieces posted 11/1/2013 19:30 PM

i would pack my kids and i up and move away. i would do want i want to for the first time in years. i would focus on making me and kids happy and maybe find someone who appreciates me.

Sal1995 posted 11/1/2013 20:13 PM

If I wasn't afraid of losing 80% of my time with my kids, and if I wasn't afraid that they would have to live in the same house with a creep like her AP, I'd divorce her and find a woman who loves me for who I am and who would be faithful to me forever.

But this isn't just about me, unfortunately.

foundoutlater posted 11/1/2013 20:23 PM

The only thing I can think of that I am letting fear stop me from is exposure. POSER was a friend and a friend to many of friends/family. He comes up in conversations ALL THE TIME. With my family the benefits from exposure would be lost in the problems it would create. So far I have only told three people (besides counselors and doctors) and I regret each one knowing.

I’m at a point that I don’t really care about him and his betrayal of me. But it is a source of reminder of what my W did to me. Sometimes I just want to forget about it all (and I do) then someone (like my Mom or a good friend) will mention something about POSER and it’s like the sound of nails screeching on a chalkboard - just irritating. As time goes on and things are worked through with my W it gets better. It used to be like a bomb going off in my chest and would rekindle my hate of him and my W. Now it’s irritating and sidetracks my fun (sometimes significantly). I hope my W and I get down the road a bit and I can smile at it, or at least just say in my head – meh.