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Newest Member: Shattered4now (56316)

User Topic: What would you do if you weren't afraid?
♀ 40592
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This question was posed at a business presentation I went to today at work, and it really made me think of all of us.

I have asked myself the same question in terms of my experience with infidelity, and here is my answer:

I would let go of the past.
I would be excited for the future.
I would be living now and not just existing.
I would be wondering who the next guy is, with that lovely naive knowing that he would be "the one".
I would be looking forward to giving my heart to someone again and that glorious feeling of unconditional trust.
I would feel hopeful.

Basically, I would go back in time to what I was like before him. Instead I am terrified of all the above.

HOWEVER, perhaps by me recognising my fears, I am one step closer in my recovery. Perhaps one day I will feel like that again?

So I ask you:

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

[This message edited by NoAnswers37 at 11:46 AM, November 1st (Friday)]

Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would trust my heart to someone without fear that they'll smash it to pieces

I would laugh and dance and feel true joy

I would look forward to retirement and weddings and grandchildren

BS, 54
M 10 years
second marriage, second WH
4 kids in their 20s, none together
Dday3 was enough for me, I'm getting divorce for Christmas.

Posts: 426 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 32912
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask WH to leave and start afresh.

Me-BW 49
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 300 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ 40319
Member # 40319
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would set myself free from the infidelity, find a way to love and trust again and believe that I am attractive and lovable (husband likes thinner more beautiful women than me), and find a career that still lets me see my extended family and spend quality time with my children. And identify and live some of my dreams. Sometimes that seems like a wishful fairy tale ! But I have hope.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 40170
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would take my kids and move back home and open a floral shop. I would never re-marry. I would date whoever I wanted and i would live without worrying about anybody but my kids.

Me 34 (former BS)
Happily Divorced November 17, 2014.
3 young kids all under 9.
"I'm sorry you don't like my honesty. But to be fair, I don't like your lies."

Posts: 587 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 40850
Member # 40850
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask WH for more details.

Me: 47
Him: 50
3 kids
Married 22 years
DDay 11/1/09
Status: R and more in love than before!

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: USA
♀ 31722
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have kicked him out after skank #2.

I would have definitely stayed gone (had moved out before Dday) after learning about bitchface (#1 and 3, same OW)

I would have the courage, right now, to rip him a new one, as I have never really shown my anger to him, and tell him what I really think of him.

And I would have enough love for myself to leave him, without all my ducks in a row, and worry about the rest tomorrow.

eta: forgot a key word

[This message edited by still2suspicious at 2:58 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have finished the divorce after I filed it and would be concentrating on my career and my future.I would have not stayed with NPD XWH#1 for 22yrs. I would kick WH#2 to the curb and not worry about what or who would be there for me when I get my liver transplant or even if I get a new liver. I would not worry about insurance, debts, and fucked up kids that I have now. I could go on and on, but this is the life I have and what I was dealt and it's what I have to live with.

Me-53 XWH#2-54 NPD, alcoholic
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs
11/28/14 "Assault with a deadly weapon" and is now with OW- Divorced
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 7293 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 18814
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some reason when I saw that headline the first thing that popped into my head was that I would not see the point in living. I am not the type to commit suicide or give up. I am a very resilient stubborn, rock-type person who's known to be very independent with a strong personality. So it's kind of a shock to myself when I thought that. I guess being afraid of consequences if I do kill myself is a healthy thing... I believe in God and in my church suicide is like murder to oneself so it's bad. In this case I'm glad I believe in a higher being. It has a purpose in my life. I want my kids to have their mother, I want to be able to hold them and hug them and wipe their tears away, I want to be able to make love with my H, I want to play games online, I want to take my kids out to carousel and arcade, I want to travel everywhere in the world with my family, etc.

I guess being afraid in my case is not a bad thing!!!

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
♂ 40304
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a very weird way, my wife's affair stripped away a lot of my fears...or at the least showed me that I was bigger than the fears were.

I feared losing my family; and I was faced with that, came up with a plan, and was alright.

I feared losing my friends; and was betrayed by two of my best friends, and am still alive and alright.

I feared being embarrassed; and have had to explain my wife's affair to two counselors, a lawyer, and strangers on the internet, and I'm still alright.

I'm not perfect, I still worry about things and have moments of insecurity, but my wife's affair showed me that I could face my fears. It took away my illusion of control over some things, and in doing that revealed what I actually do have control over and so I've been concentrating on those things.

We've discussed this, between us, and have decided that English needs a word that's kind of like thank you, but without the obligation implied. "Thank you hurting me and showing me how strong I am and allowing me to start fixing my weaknesses, now sod off" or some sentiment like that. :D

Me - BH 41
Her - FWW 38
D-Day: 8/13

Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 37550
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would probably leave.
Leave my current career and move to NYC with my daughter and truly jump head first into my dreams.
Travel to different countries.
Start a "real" business.
Flirt, and dance around along the sidewalk like I used to with my Ipod playing.
Sing in front of people.
Go back to doing slam poetry.

A lot of things...

One too many D-days; taking it one day at a time.
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 237 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask WH to leave and start afresh.

This ^^^^
I would also stop over thinking. I would be spontaneous and not be afraid of making a mistake. I would say more yes's and less no's. Take chances and really LIVE LIFE!!!
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5734 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 39029
Member # 39029
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i would pack my kids and i up and move away. i would do want i want to for the first time in years. i would focus on making me and kids happy and maybe find someone who appreciates me.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: torn2pieces
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I wasn't afraid of losing 80% of my time with my kids, and if I wasn't afraid that they would have to live in the same house with a creep like her AP, I'd divorce her and find a woman who loves me for who I am and who would be faithful to me forever.

But this isn't just about me, unfortunately.


Posts: 1938 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southwest
♂ 32900
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing I can think of that I am letting fear stop me from is exposure. POSER was a friend and a friend to many of friends/family. He comes up in conversations ALL THE TIME. With my family the benefits from exposure would be lost in the problems it would create. So far I have only told three people (besides counselors and doctors) and I regret each one knowing.

Iím at a point that I donít really care about him and his betrayal of me. But it is a source of reminder of what my W did to me. Sometimes I just want to forget about it all (and I do) then someone (like my Mom or a good friend) will mention something about POSER and itís like the sound of nails screeching on a chalkboard - just irritating. As time goes on and things are worked through with my W it gets better. It used to be like a bomb going off in my chest and would rekindle my hate of him and my W. Now itís irritating and sidetracks my fun (sometimes significantly). I hope my W and I get down the road a bit and I can smile at it, or at least just say in my head Ė meh.

Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1352 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 15

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