SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

all_4_my_son posted 11/1/2013 12:30 PM

Thank you all who posted in my other message about whether I should write WH a letter or not. I have pasted it below and would appreciate it if you all could give me pointers. Thank you in advance and sorry if this seems "TMI" but I need help here....and it's rather long.

Dear WH (I will put his name here)
Before you get mad and delete this email, I am asking you to please read it and consider what I am saying as I hope that it will help you understand why I have been so “mean” to you. Some things that I am about to say are going to upset you or hurt you and for that, I apologize now as I do not wish to make you feel any worse than I am sure you already do. But they are things I have to say that I cannot say to you in person for anytime I speak to you anymore, it ends in a huge fight and we are pushed right back to square one in this game that we keep playing.

You know how much it hurt me when you cheated with A before we were married. When I found out you slept with her again after Logan was born, I was devastated. I never felt pain like that before, unless you count the 2 pregnancies I lost but that pain goes away over time. It doesn’t stay with you, wearing you down like water wears down a rock in riverbed. And I knew you slept with her, even when you said you hadn’t, and it took me lying to get you to finally tell me the truth 4 years later. I apologize for the lies I told back then; they did nothing but hurt us in the long run. So when I found it happened again not even a year after you told me the truth about the first time, I felt that wound in my heart tear right back open. This time, thankfully, you were truthful with me and you told me EVERYTHING, even the things you knew would hurt me more, like the side thing you were having with R and the reasons why you did what you did. God I thought I was going to die that day I found that calling card in your pants pocket. I knew then that I had to leave, even if it was just for a while.

So here we are, present day, and things are back to the same old bad that they were before. There are times that I wish I had never come back, or I think that I should have left after the first time. But I’m still here, I did come back, and I had never given up on US. Our talks lately though always end with one of us saying “maybe it is time to move on” and this scares me because no longer is it just one of us thinking it; now it is BOTH of us feeling this way. What do we do about that? IS there anything we can do about that?

I am going to start by telling you how I REALLY feel, deep inside and please, don’t take this as an attack because that is not what this is. It’s not an attempt for me to guilt you into changing and being a better husband or man or father. I just have a lot setting in my heart right now that I have to let you know about and what you do with the information afterwards will be totally up to you. I am also making this promise now:

AFTER I SAY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, I AM NEVER GOING TO BRING ANY OF THIS UP AGAIN. I AM STARTING MY OWN PATH TO HEALING, WHETHER YOU’RE BY MY SIDE OR NOT.

SO –

I’m scared, plain and simple. My biggest fear is that you’re cheating again OR in the least, you’re thinking about it. Every time you’re secretive, or you search for someone on Facebook or the internet, or you get antsy when I ask you about a number on our phone bill that I don’t recognize, this triggers my thoughts to start racing and causes me pain. When you’re not honest with me, another brick goes up in this wall between us. It raises my suspicions and in turn, I DO become crazy and hell bent on finding out what is going on. And that’s my right to do so as your wife; I have the right to know about the things that are going to end up having a negative effect on me AND Logan. It’s not just me anymore that is hurting here, remember that.

And believe me honey, I’m not saying you’ll cheat again and I really hope you won’t because that would kill me. I know you hate it when I accuse you of things that you say you’re not doing. But seriously, what IF you can’t control yourself and this time, you catch an STD or contract HIV? Then you pass it on to me and you just killed us both and left our son alone in this world. Doesn’t it scare you that this is a possibility? Or do you even care what your bad behavior could mean for me? Would you even love me enough to at least stop and try to protect yourself AND me? It’s scary to think that you wouldn’t….

It’s not just the possibility of disease either – you promised to forsake all others when you married me 16 years ago. You promised to love me, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer and until death did we part. I have only EVER loved you in the last 16 years, and I will probably only EVER love you for the next 16, 32 or however long I am privileged to be on this earth. It tears me up though knowing that while I keep my heart guarded and only open for you, that you’re capable of just giving yours away to whomever makes you feel special or wanted. Your heart is supposed to be mine and only mine – no one elses.

Bottom line is – I do not want you cheating again, period. You can tell me all you want that you won’t, but you have proven your OWN self wrong 3 times now. I am going to have to see it to believe it. Sadly though in my heart, I know you’ll never show me what it is I need to see because you think telling me you love me should be enough and it’s not…not anymore.

Yes, you haven’t logged onto Facebook in a month- that’s great and trust me, I appreciate the gesture, but how do I know you don’t have a second FB page? How do I know you’re not pulling the calling card trick again or using some other means to contact women? I don’t know what you’re doing when I am not around; hell, I don’t know what you’re doing when I am sitting 4 feet from you!

I hope you see where I am coming from and it is not as a wife who is pointing fingers and saying “you’re an evil husband!”, but as a woman who loves you dearly and truly wants to trust you again.

Instead, I spend every day just struggling to be normal. I struggle with not checking and re-checking the phone bills, or the internet. I struggle with trying not to worry about what you’re doing, who you’re talking too or who you’re thinking about. I struggle with the urge to scream at you “WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US????” because I know in the end, I’ll never get the answer I need to hear, the answer that will finally calm my soul and close this chapter of our lives for good. You know what the answer is and it’s not “You didn’t make me feel wanted”…..it is the answer that I fear the most, the awful truth, the white elephant in the room – you never truly loved me to begin with.

And I know I am fault here too; I made it a point after your first time of cheating to make sure your life was hell. All that got me was more being cheated on, a pissed off husband, and a heart that no longer exists. I am not going to take the blame though for your choices – you made those on your own. I will “man up” though and apologize for the things that I did that made your decision easier:

I apologize for lying and manipulating you in order to get the truth from you

I apologize for not being there for you when Grandpa died

I apologize for having a hysterectomy and doing so only to rob you of more children with me (yes, this is quite honestly the meanest thing I’ve done – EVER)

I apologize for all the times I called you names, told you I wished you were dead (especially that time in front of Logan) and for all the times I physically abused you

Most of all, I apologize for not seeing the signs and not being there when you really needed a wife, lover and friend

While my actions at the time always seemed justified, I should’ve conducted myself in a way that was more loving to you, even when you failed me time after time

So that is it; all that is on my mind for the moment. Chew it over, spit it out, keep it tucked away but the choice is yours as to what to do with this information.

Know this though – I need my husband back. I need the man that never left my side when I miscarried. I need the man that held on to MY mother as we all watched Dad pass away. I need to know that at some point in the past 18 years, you really loved me and that I wasn’t just a convenience. I need to know that I am the only person taking up residence in your heart AND mind. I need to know if there is anything left…..

I have spent the last few years mourning the death of US. But to be honest, I don’t know if there was an US to begin with. We were 2 lost people, on the rebound from loves we had lost, who just happened to bump into one another at the right place but the wrong time. We never started off right to begin with and I realize now that we may NEVER be able to get to the place where we can call ourselves a truly happily, in love, married couple. I fear that this is truly the end us....

[This message edited by all_4_my_son at 12:31 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

Newlease posted 11/1/2013 14:14 PM

It's a lovely heart felt letter. But it has way too many words in it. I know you want to get it all out there, but you need to pare it down.

Apologize for what you did wrong in the marriage if you must. But the bottom line is you need to tell him your must haves to feel safe again and start to trust. And then make sure he is doing it.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

heforgot posted 11/1/2013 15:07 PM

It is a bit long. I would take out the details of what you feel you did wrong. As the poster above me stated, apologize if you must. Just leave out the details. This letter is about him changing his attitude. It's pretty obvious you've changed yours already.

That being said, I have to admire your courage. I wish you luck with it. I hope he sees that you are baring your soul and takes it to heart.

selkiescot posted 11/1/2013 15:16 PM

Wonderful letter. But becareful he doesn't use it against you.
Selks

sisoon posted 11/1/2013 17:09 PM

I think you're saying things that shouldn't be said unless you have a lot of emotional protection available. Is it possible to say these things over a few MC sessions?

One way to protect yourself might be to start slow in a discussion and not go forward unless you get a positive response.

Another approach is Newlease's -

the bottom line is you need to tell him your must haves to feel safe again and start to trust.

If he starts to work for real R, then you have to come clean. Right now, though, feels pretty dangerous to me.

The line about the hysterectomy sounds wrong, unless your doc did something that violates his professional ethics. You may feel guilt about it, but you're probably excessively hard on yourself here - which makes me think you're excessively hard on yourself in at least some of your other apologies. Apologies can help. Self-flagellation doesn't.

JMO, of course.