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blakesteele posted 11/1/2013 13:58 PM

I understand porn in the traditional sense. I am learning about " mommy porn".....romance novels, Twilight and other fantasy type movies that have a heavy fantasy-type "love" in them.

I am starting to understand what it is but am failing to find any data or articles that suggest it is nearly as harmful as "man type" porn.

Does this mean it is harmless? Harmful but not as bad as man-porn? Or can it derail true intimacy as effectively as man-porn?


My wife really enjoyed this type of stimulation pre-A. I don't know if her AP was a porn user. Just exploring the tie-in to women who choose adultery and mommy-porn..... I don't see psychological data that supports or denies a link.....no data at all.

On the contrary, man-porn data shows a strong link to adultery. I am a user of porn for almost 3 decades....watched some with my wife....and I did not have an A. So I realize even if data exists it would only reveal trends and odds. I use the term "porn user" because I NOW see it as purely unhealthy....I don't believe a man can "view" it and not be unhealthy. Viewing indicates to me no net affect is had. This is my battle to overcome....again, I can understand "man-porn".

Anyone know of any studies on mommy-porn? At least have ideas on how mommy-porn affects a woman's ability to nurture true intimacy?

God help us all.

blakesteele posted 11/1/2013 14:03 PM

To be sure, I have read articles that strongly indicate porn use is infidelity. Totally get that and fully agree it damaged my M. I am not trying to minimize man-porn or my harmful choices or actions.

I am changing my harmful ways....and pray I have both the power and the time to repair the damages my actions have caused....internally as well as externally.

Mercy to us all.

PrincessPeach06 posted 11/1/2013 14:04 PM

I can only speak for myself. I love to read but did not get into the whole 50 shades type books until recently. I enjoy reading these types of "porn" books on days when I think H and I will have sex and it really gets me in the mood. Oddly (?) enough I can only picture H in my mind doing things to me.

hardtimesinlife posted 11/1/2013 14:07 PM

I haven't seen studies but I have always believed that some women who watch soap operas have a tendency to over dramatize normal everyday events. I have even asked some women if they watch soaps when I hear a particularly dramatic version of events. Most times they have said "yes, why?" I can always tell when my sister is getting into a soap opera.

plainpain posted 11/1/2013 14:08 PM

I don't know of any studies, but I am a recovering romantic and I would say that, yes, it definitely has had a negative affect on my marriage. I think, like porn, all the romantic/ erotic stuff that women watch and read can set up an unrealistic expectation of what it takes to be satisfied in a relationship. It isn't real, yet somehow I feel deprived of something I should have if my H doesn't smother me with steamy glances from across the room.

It indulges something very selfish within myself - something that views a relationship from the perspective of my own fulfillment and satisfaction. It does not consider the actual feelings or needs of the other person. The other person only exists to please and validate me - that is the sole purpose of their character.

It's not easy to give up, and very easy to justify. Guys are visual/women need romance. Even some of the greatest literature is written around this romantic notion of love. But, half-dressed women are everywhere I look, too.

Kierst13 posted 11/1/2013 14:12 PM

The problem with "mommy porn" and movie romance also is we as a society of women now believe that is what "true love" is supposed to look like. It sets an unattainable and shallow view of what love, life and family life should be like. We pull our heads out of our books or walk out of the movie theater and we have to face our less than fairy tale real life love at home.

Sure, perhaps by middle age women realize it's all fake movie crap, but it sets up our sons and daughters to fail in their relationships.

The best review I read of the Twilight leading male character is this

"He's rude, controlling, abusive, misogynistic, disparaging and dismissive.... In all seriousness though, what a hideous lust object to mythologize. It'll be teaching all sorts of young girls that it's ROMANTIC to accept any sort of appalling treatment some brooding loser who treats you like dirt."

JanaGreen posted 11/1/2013 14:13 PM

"He's rude, controlling, abusive, misogynistic, disparaging and dismissive.... In all seriousness though, what a hideous lust object to mythologize. It'll be teaching all sorts of young girls that it's ROMANTIC to accept any sort of appalling treatment some brooding loser who treats you like dirt."

AMEN!

justjim posted 11/1/2013 14:19 PM

I keep getting the "it's not like it was when we first met; the thrill is gone; our marriage is no longer a fairy tale romance... In fact, it never was".

I just went and looked at her book collection upstairs. Lots of Nora Roberts and V.C. Andrews, whoever they are.

I know she likes romantic movies. She has probably wathed "The Notebook" and "Titanic" a hundred times.

JanaGreen posted 11/1/2013 14:20 PM

VC Andrews is not really romance, unless you count child abuse and incest as romance. Nora Roberts definitely is romance.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 2:20 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

plainpain posted 11/1/2013 14:28 PM

VC Andrews might fall into the category of 'erotica'. I remember reading one of her/his books as a teenager, and being titillated when the daughter seduced her mother's husband, as an act of revenge against her.

That whole series I felt was about the shock of discovering my young self aroused by something that is taboo. If you saw a visual of that, it would be 'man porn' and we might be horrified.

JanaGreen posted 11/1/2013 14:29 PM

ahhh good point, I didn't think about that. It was definitely inappropriate for me at the age I was reading it!

TrustGone posted 11/1/2013 14:32 PM

I read a lot of novels. I am more the Stephen King or Dean Koontz kind of woman, but I have read romantic novels and even the weird things I read sometimes always have the hero (man or woman) who falls in love. I do not however equate it to the porn that my WH watches. I know it's just a movie or a book and it is not real everyday life as we know it. My WH on the other hand thinks we should be able to do all the things they do in a porn flick which is so unrealistic to real life and when it doesn't happen that way he becomes the cheater. Even that had its downfalls as he is discovering. I don't think it's necessarily the porn or the mommy porn that is the problem. It is the brokeness inside someone that makes them think that this is what real relationships are supposed to be like. JMO

plainpain posted 11/1/2013 14:44 PM

I don't equate them at all.. porn is real people having real sex, passing around real STDs, and not having real orgasms. I'm quite comfortable rejecting pornography completely from being part of my life and marriage. I don't know any women who have gone out and violently abused a man after watching 'The Notebook' seventy times.

Having said that, my husband did have an A with a sexual predator... so perhaps I should think about that some more.

need_hope posted 11/1/2013 14:49 PM

Good point TrustGone. I read across a wide variety of genres - including some "mommy porn" type books. Even as a teenager reading romance novels, I was always able to differentiate between reality and fantasy. And I never tried to live up to the "romance fantasy".

sailorgirl posted 11/1/2013 15:04 PM

There are plenty of well-written, funny, sweet and relatively realistic romance novels out there. With heroes who are not obsessive, controlling or damaged, and heroines who are not codependent or immature. I don't like Twilight, Shades or soap operas, but I love a good book that focuses on an intimate relationship.

When I read these, it's great for our sex life (although one of my favorite authors, Georgette Heyer, doesn't even have sex scenes). It helps me take a break from all my other roles in life (daughter, mother, sister, coach, volunteer, tutor etc.) and just be a woman in love with my man.

I don't fantasize about the heroes--I think about the traits I love in my H. And Reading romance makes me think about having sex with him, which is honestly a very good thing--he agrees!

AFrayedKnot posted 11/1/2013 15:04 PM

A couple glasses of red wine can be very healthy for someone but don't tell that to someone at their first AA meeting.

It all depends on the consumers focus while using whatever. I woman reading a romance novel getting all fired up thinking about her husband can be healthy. If she turns that fantacy to the guy at the grocery store not so much.

We watch porn together on a pretty regular basis. For us it does not seem unhealthy at all. Sometimes it is a good distraction from mind movies. But the focus is always on each other.

MediumRare posted 11/1/2013 15:15 PM

Well, this is all I can say about the whole "mommy porn" movement spurred by the Twilight movies....


Simple posted 11/1/2013 15:36 PM

Between me and my H, we realized porn is certainly bad for him period. Regarding me and my romance novels, not so much. So long as I don't suddenly project my wants and desires and then accuse my H of why he doesn't act like this guy in my novel...

I mean there's healthy fantasy and then there's crazyland...

Some women (and men) believe in these rom-coms or romantic movies as real life. Tries to base their reality on that - that is now unhealthy. I mean I'm not cinderella and my husband is not prince charming but many women still believe in that kind of "love". See my signature? that's based on REALITY. Most people who commit A, truly believe in soulmates and destinies... crazyland.

Hope that helps.

Ostrich80 posted 11/1/2013 15:58 PM

Some really good things to ponder on here. A lot of diff views, why I love this place

pewpewpew posted 11/1/2013 17:00 PM

Luckily, I have never had issues with porn.
I'm not M to a SA so I completely do not understand how damaging that would be to a M. So please, if that is the case, excuse me.

However, I am from a generation where this is the norm.
I feel that porn and masturbation is healthy. I am all for written or viewing porn - unless it is in the form where there is an actual "person" stimulating the spouse.
I enjoy watching porn and have always expressed this to WH. I would not be upset to learn he's masturbating or viewing porn in any way, unless it's hurtful to myself.
I loved the 50 shades series, books of erotica, and women inspired porn.
Personally, I do not care to view hardcore porn or any of the like.
Unless it is a problem for you - as the spouse - it's harmless and enjoyable.
Possibly you could read the 50 shades together?

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