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How to not care?

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WImama posted 11/1/2013 14:58 PM

My husband cheated and we separated a year ago. Since then we've been trying to work things out. He would constantly gamble his entire paycheck away every two weeks. Every two weeks after he gambled he would disappear and I wouldn't hear from him from anywhere between a day - 2 weeks.

I've finally had enough of the lies and mistrust and filed for divorce. Me being a stay at home mom, the gambling forced us into bankruptcy. No bills were being paid. He lied to me about everything saying things were paid. Come to find one day I realized my car was up for repo and they were looking for it. I just found out my husband is for far behind on rent that the landlord could have a sheriff come and kick my kids and I out at any time. My husband already went to court over this, and I knew none of this.

After filing for divorce we continued to work on things. My final breaking point was last week. He gambled everything again. We're being kicked out of our home and his solution is not to pay anything, but to spend all his money. After he gambled everything away again last week, he left as usual. At this point I don't want him back.

I haven't seen him in a week. He will not answer any phone calls. He hasn't seen or asked about the kids, who are three and one. He recently signed up for Facebook for the first time. I saw the people you may know suggestion, I didn't search for him. How do I let go? How do I move on with my life and do what's best for my kids? I spend so much of my day thinking about why he's doing this and what he's thinking. I need to move on its time I just don't know how.
Thanks for reading my rambling. I haven't talked to anyone about this

Nature_Girl posted 11/1/2013 15:04 PM

Ohmygosh, what a horrible thing to do to you!

My very best suggestion for you is to pretend that he's dead. Doesn't exist on this earth anymore. By doing this you will be better able to remove all expectations from him.

So first things first. You & your babies need shelter. Have you called your landlord & begged for a one-month extension? You never know, they might show you some mercy if they know what's happening to you. If that's not going to work, then do you have friends or family who will take you & your children in? If not, then you need to contact a woman's shelter immediately & find a place for you & your kiddos to land.


WImama posted 11/1/2013 15:17 PM

Yes, I'm sorry for not mentioning that in the first post. I have talked to the landlord. Because he hasn't paid since August I think? He can't work with us anymore. I would owe him about 5,000 to stay here. There's no way I can make that up. However I do have a fabulous mother who went out of her way and provided us a safe place to go. She turned her basement into a small one bedroom apartment for me and the babies free of rent.

I guess the mentioning us being kicked out is mor about frustration that we have to move from a three bedroom 2 1/2 bath to a 1 bed 1 bath.

I would love to pretend he doesn't exist but stupid Facebook rubes his face out there for me to see. Is there a way so I wouldn't see that they recommend him to be my friend?

By the way I just looked past my post history and now I feel like a goof. Like who wouldn't tell me this is how it will all turn out?

WImama posted 11/1/2013 15:23 PM

Sorry I keep posting and can't get it all out in one. Also my three year old son cries and screams daddy all the time. I don't mention him at all. I don't know how I can help him get through this. My one year old daughter doesn't seem to care.

Nature_Girl posted 11/1/2013 15:32 PM

Okay, so you have shelter. WHEW!

I urge you to contact three places. One is your local Legal Aid organization to find an attorney who will work with you. Two is the women's resource center at your local college. They can connect you with resources you didn't even know existed. And three is your local domestic violence group. That last one is a hard call to make. I know, I've had to make it. It doesn't matter that you weren't subjected to physical beat downs, you've been abused in other ways. That group may have information for you on even more community resources. They can also connect you with compassionate counselors who understand what you've been through and can help you get your head & heart wrapped around WTF is happening.

So, that's your next task. Start reaching out in your community and making connections with the people & resources who can help you.

ladies_first posted 11/1/2013 15:55 PM

Isn't there an (800) number to telephone & report problem gamblers?

Unsure if that "blacklists" them at the casinos, but it's certainly worth a call.

WImama posted 11/1/2013 16:05 PM

There is? I had no idea. I'll look that up. I should also mention here he's spent about $10,000 at the casino in the past 5 months

[This message edited by WImama at 4:07 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

WImama posted 11/1/2013 23:22 PM

And just found out he's back on dating sites. FML. How does he abandon us and move on

Nature_Girl posted 11/2/2013 01:01 AM

Hon, I've read through your past posts. I'm going to offer you a gentle, well-intentioned 2x4: You need to detach and move on.

It's been what, a year? He abandoned you, he's fully made it clear you mean nothing to him. YOU need to move on. YOU need to start working on yourself. You need to get a hold of your thoughts & emotions and chart a life for yourself and your babies that doesn't include him. He is your husband in name only.

Are you able to get IC? Or are you a reader? I can recommend some fantastic books that changed my life and might help you change yours.

You need to shout out "STOP!" each & every time you find your thoughts wandering in the direction of that loser. You need to retrain yourself. It is very hard work, but the fact that you posted here indicates you recognize it's time and you want this to happen. You have to make it happen, though.

At least for now, no more looking for him on the internet. Who cares if he's on dating websites? He's been "dating" for a very long time. This isn't new information. You shouldn't be retraumatizing yourself by looking for him on dating websites, and if you were on those websites trying to do some online dating for yourself, you need to cancel your profile and stop that, too. You're not ready.

Did you make any of those phone calls today that I suggested? If not, why not? If not, what did you do today to help get you going in a new, healthy direction?

WImama posted 11/2/2013 01:13 AM

I love the honesty you're giving me. Thank you. No matter how hard it is I need brutal honesty. I haven't called anything today. I was having panic attacks and was prescribed xanax. I will make a list tonight of the places I need to call Monday. Please don't be afraid to be blunt, I need to hear it. BTW what's IC? I'd also love to hear the books you recommend. Also, do I need to get in touch with a lawyer. It doesn't seem like he's challenging me much. We had a temp. order that I have full physical and legal custody when I filed.

[This message edited by WImama at 1:17 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

Nature_Girl posted 11/2/2013 02:09 AM

IC = Individual Counseling

It's how most of us survive this giant shitstorm of betrayal.

Lawyer? YES. That's why I suggested you call Legal Aid or other pro bono group. Also, a women's shelter/domestic violence group can refer you to counselors and lawyers.

The women's resource center at a college can put you in touch with career counselors and others who can help you figure out WTH you're going to do with your life. Speaking as a SAHM, having to surrender the life I'd built and the life I thought I was going to lead and transition to a life I do not fucking want is a very bitter pill to swallow.

You sound like you are starting to wake up to your reality. I know it took me a long time to wake up. It's painful. It's shameful. It's horrifying. It's humiliating. But more than that? It's liberating. It's freeing. It's freedom. It's a second chance. Waking up from this nightmare is the same as the merry-go-round coming to a full stop with you next to the brass ring. You need to reach out and take it, take the second chance life is offering you.

Even now, I consider it a good day if I do just one measly thing to get myself further along this road of healing, authenticity and freedom. That's what you need to be focusing on, too. If you can manage one thing per day. Doesn't have to be a big thing. Just one positive step to reclaim your life.

And self-care is very important. You have to be a physically strong mama! So take your meds, they're going to help you. Take your vitamins. Take some time each day to just sit & love on your babies & let their innocent baby love just flow back to you & fill your heart. Let your mom mother you if she's the mothering type. Let people IRL (In Real Life) support you.

Do you make To Do lists? I know I am making progress when I can check things off my To Do list. Let's make a To Do list for you. You have some phone calls to make. You have some meds and maybe vitamins to take. You have some "self care" time to take each & every ding-dong day. You have to spend some time every day just talking to another adult. You need to think about what kind of job you should have, what kind of additional education you need to make an independent life for yourself. You need to move forward with the divorce with a lawyer guiding you.

When I first started with my IC she had me reading a bunch of books. I still am reading books she hands me. But back then she handed me a few which I think might have a few tidbits of helpful stuff for you:

Boundaries, by Cloud & Townsend

Codependent No More
The New Codependent
both by Melody Beattie

From this day forward your focus needs to be on YOU. You need to heal you. Get strong physically and mentally. You need to deliberately detach from your toxic husband. You need to get to a point - and it will take a while - in which you don't care if he fucks a zoo full of monkeys and zebras. He is a bad person and deserves no part in your life.

WImama posted 11/2/2013 02:32 AM

You are an extremely wise woman. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for you kind and honest words. I'm making a list as I type and I'll add to check out some books also. The last quote you put in your message fit so well into my life. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm so glad I found this site with so many people who (unfortunately) share these experiences and give great advice.

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