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H gave his number to our new neighbor

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SoAngryAndHurt posted 11/1/2013 16:00 PM

Lets start by saying I feel totally gutted. Like a fish. H has been great these last few months. 100% remorseful. Taking on anything and everything to make my life easier. About a month ago we moved to a new place. I really needed the change and it has been helping me cope and lessen the pain of being in the same neighborhood as OW. Well of course there's a SAHM next door that has come out to meet and welcome H to the neighborhood. Three times. Not me. Only when H is out front with the kids. Well guess what? SAHM came by last night to bring the kids some candy. I was with one child out trick or treating and H was home with the other giving out candy. They exchange phone numbers at her request. He tells me immediately when I get home. Apologizes profusely and marches next door to say that he wants her to have my number instead. So I march over and introduce myself and we exchange numbers. Needless to say my head exploded and my guts spilled out. I let him have it and then him out (again) he said he thought a it was harmless and that he tried to correct it right away. "He wasn't thinking". Where have I heard that before? This might be the end of the rope for me. His OW was a SAHM and mother of one of our daughters friends. Am I overreacting? Please any words of wisdom. This hurts so damn bad. I'm having déjà vu

RedRose posted 11/1/2013 16:14 PM

((SoAngry))

I don't think you are overreacting, since his A partner was so similar. It is good that he told you right away, but he should never have given her the number in the first place. Did he give her your home number, or his own cell number?

SoAngryAndHurt posted 11/1/2013 16:18 PM

Thank you red rose. We don't have a home number. We just have cells so that's what he gave her. I told him I want him to change his number and he said he will. We changed both our numbers after dday.

Holly-Isis posted 11/1/2013 16:24 PM

Ugh. MrH gave his number to a mom on our kids' baseball team. He thought it was ok because he wasn't attracted to her. Just a few days before she had stood talking to him while he was in his car and she actually physically blocked me when I walked up. He didn't see a problem with that either. For me...red flags were up. Even if she wasn't on his radar, he was probably on hers from her behavior.

That's what I see here. Weak boundaries on his part and red flags on hers.

You guys need a game plan for incidents like this. Even if it's not socially acceptable, like telling the woman he doesn't give his personal number out to women. If she needed to contact him, it could be through the shared home phone or his precious wife's phone.

He needs to read up on boundaries though, because all of the planning in the world won't matter if he doesn't have boundaries set that protect the M. He has to want to build strong castle walls and be your knight and your knight only, ready to slay anything that risks your M.

lieshurt posted 11/1/2013 16:26 PM

If he thought it was harmless, then why did he tell you immediately and apologize?

thebighurt posted 11/1/2013 16:26 PM

It's good that he told you and she now has your number. I hope he follows through and changes his number soon and loses her number from his phone as well.

You are not overreacting. Not.one.bit!

SoAngryAndHurt posted 11/1/2013 16:31 PM

Lieshurt. When I got home he looked like his dog died. I could see it all over his face. He thought it as harmless cause he would just give me her number and delete hers from his. I think after it was done he realized that's exactly how his A started and realized he needed to correct it.

Nature_Girl posted 11/1/2013 16:36 PM

FWIW, as soon as I see someone new in the neighborhood I always go over & introduce myself, including name & phone number. I do at least TRY to meet the wife/girlfriend, though.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 11/1/2013 16:40 PM

Thank you Holly and the big hurt. It's like has he learned a lesson or not?? Obviously not. Mind boggling

SoAngryAndHurt posted 11/1/2013 16:48 PM

Thanks nature girl. I get it. That she could just be friendly. I may be super sensitive. But the one thing I have learned is trust no one. I'm sure it could be nothing. But some times it's nothing that leads to some thing.

Holly-Isis posted 11/1/2013 16:54 PM

Personally, I don't think she was just being friendly. Just being friendly means not singling out the male in the family, but including whoever you see. So unless this SAHM has never seen you, SAAH, she's focused on your H. To me, that's a red flag.

Spelljean posted 11/1/2013 16:54 PM

I agree, you are not overreacting. The female neighbor's behavior is also inappropriate if you ask me. I've witnessed this behavior in many women in my life, the way they act around men, married or otherwise. (she should have also introduced herself to you) I sometimes feel I can spot them from a mile away.

Not that any of that matters if our spouses have firm boundaries in place, but it used to drive me crazy when women would circumvent me to get to my husband. It was always so obvious.

idkam posted 11/1/2013 17:11 PM

Oh HELL no there is no way i would go up to a married man and give him my number... Both of them disrespected you... Now she knows you are an insecure wife because you ran over to her place and introduced yourself and gave her your number. Where was your husband? i wonder if he was standing behind you giving the eye signals to the neighbor like " she made me fo this"

This brings back memories.. My exhusband sold life insurance and gave his number out freely...

idkam posted 11/1/2013 17:12 PM

Oh HELL no there is no way i would go up to a married man and give him my number... Both of them disrespected you... Now she knows you are an insecure wife because you ran over to her place and introduced yourself and gave her your number. Where was your husband? i wonder if he was standing behind you giving the eye signals to the neighbor like " she made me fo this"

This brings back memories.. My exhusband sold life insurance and gave his number out freely...

I hope he does learn some boundaries soon otherwise you will find yourselves moving again...

SoAngryAndHurt posted 11/1/2013 17:13 PM

A year ago this wouldn't have bothered me. I trusted my H and I really truly believe that the OW was married with kids and it would never happen. I feel so stupid and naive. Now all I see are lying cheating ppol who care only about themselves. Not even their own children. Breaks my heart. I don't need any more "friends".

pewpewpew posted 11/1/2013 17:56 PM

No. Hell no.
He should NEVER feel the need to give anyone -especially another W his cell number.
I'm sorry but when you have betrayed your spouse - that shit is off limits.
Where are his boundaries?!
Has he not learned anything from your pain?!

BeyondBreaking posted 11/1/2013 19:01 PM

My H said something not too long ago that really was true, and I am going to share it with you:

Before the A, if H gave our his phone number to someone like the neighbor, or a mom in my DD's class, or anything like that- I would assume the best. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that the neighbor lady had his number in case something happened with the house/yard, because it is good to have neighbor contacts in case we go out of town and someone needs to check on the cat. I would assume the mom in DD's class had his number because of carpool coordination, etc... I would assume that if he gave a female coworker a ride home, it meant just that- someone needed to be driven home and that was it. A cup of coffee was a cup of coffee.

Those days are gone. Now- I assume the worst when it comes to him and other women because I have seen what can happen when I give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is just being a nice neighbor/parent/friend/whatever.

He needs to get out of that mindset. That "I'm just being nice" mindset. Because of what he did, he is in a situation where if he is friendly with another woman- even if she is being friendly with him first- I assume it is out of the norm and I jump on the defensive right away.

I believe your H was in that mindset when he gave out his number. I believe he realized what he did and told you- which is a good thing! Praise him for this.

He needs to work on getting out of that "I'm just being nice" mindset and stay guarded with other women. Unfortunately, that is a long term consequence of what he did and the loss of trust.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 11/1/2013 21:16 PM

Thank u all for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. Beyond breaking I have a hard time praising him for telling me right away. I get so angry. Why not think before he acts and not regret his actions? He should have known better.....

nowiknow23 posted 11/1/2013 21:36 PM

((((SoHurt))))

Clarrissa posted 11/1/2013 21:41 PM

As a FWS I know I'm in the minority here but please hear me out.

First, what your WH did was insensitive at the very least. He didn't *think* until the deed was done BUT he *did* tell you and apologize. He didn't get defensive, shrug it off or accuse you of being too sensitive.

I think many BS lose sight of the fact that we waywards also go through a process. Change, as we all know, is difficult even for a truly remorseful WS. In my view he's still new to this process of changing and will have some missteps, as in this case. IMO this is understandable since the path isn't exactly a four lane paved highway. As he continues on this path of changing, he'll learn to spot the dangers *before* he runs into them.

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