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To ask or not to ask - the sex question

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lhhell posted 11/1/2013 16:20 PM

It's coming up A season for me and I'm feeling really off and sensitive and sad and angry etc etc etc.

One thing that I've struggled with since Dday is asking the "sex question", ie. what did you do with her? what was so great about it?

Some context, my WH used escorts, expensive ones, ones where I can find out plenty online about their "talents". I caught my WH by finding an email to the last one telling her how much fun he had.

I haven't directly asked the sex question of my WH. I've asked around it, I've made comments about the email I found, but I've never come out and asked what he did with her and why it was so great. BUT I think about it every day. I think about it every time we have sex.

I know there is differing opinions as to whether to ask this. Some say that knowing everything is the way to go. Others have said that knowing the details is not productive and could be harmful. I'm on the fence.

So I wanted to ask other BS whether they've asked or not. And if they did ask, how did they feel about the response? I'm not looking for advice, just some ideas about how others approached this and how it affected R and their feelings towards their WS.

MC_Jack posted 11/1/2013 16:29 PM

In your case I might ask...after all we are talking about an escort 'servicing'...not a 'lover'. There was no thinking that the escort would be the 'one'. No 'romance'...

whattheh posted 11/1/2013 16:37 PM

I asked and am glad I know the details. My questions also focused on his feelings before during and after. In our case it helped my fWH to share the info.

It was hard to hear but my imagination was way off from the reality. Talking about the details and his feelings and things she did or said helped me see the full picture. It was important to me that he had no more secrets from me esp those shared with OW.

BeyondBreaking posted 11/1/2013 17:01 PM

I am a detail oriented person and I feel incomplete without them. So I would personally ask and get as much information as possible.

If nothing else, asking if he used condoms or not, and making sure he (and I) have been tested would be an absolute must for me. I see WAY too many gross and life-altering STI's patients come in with not to be concerned about it.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/1/2013 17:49 PM

I asked. I had to. I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head. I could not put it to bed... Forgive the pun.
It hurt so bad and there were definitely aftershocks- but mostly, it really helped. I don't know how or why, but it did.

plainpain posted 11/1/2013 20:17 PM

I asked, and he told me, and I guess I'm glad I know. It hurts - the jealousy is insane - but the trade-off was worth it. I never wanted OW to be able to present me with any information that I didn't already have, so for me it was about him betraying all their secrets to me. It also did give me some insight into what my H actually really likes when he's at his most selfish. Sometimes that is information I'm glad I have. Sometimes I really want to be the one to give him what he likes, and sometimes I swear he's never ever getting that from me ever again.

Sometimes my H would be angry that I asked him and got upset over the answer - he pretty much said right up front, 'Don't ask any questions where you can't handle the answer.' (That one came after I had asked him if she was prettier than me - but of course now, 6 months post A, I'm back to being the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. Yay me.)

But I only asked him about the LTA OW. I never asked anything at all about the escort, the massage lady, or the woman from the internet. I know the very basics for those, and I don't need or want to know more.

ShatteredLove00 posted 11/1/2013 21:23 PM

I asked. And I pushed when I didn't believe all the answers. And now that I know, I wish I didn't. But I know it would have killed me to wonder all the time. He did EVERYTHING that was special between us with a prostitute. I can't even kiss him because they kissed. He was hugging me and then pulled me on top of him as he lay back on our bed...I completely flipped out and had a panic attack, because that's how the sex was...even him running his hand along my body one day...he rubbed his hands all over her body too. Nothing is safe. Everything is tied to that woman. He can't call me "Baby" anymore...he can't even rest his hand on my knee when we are sitting together...because he did it to her as he was asking her how much she cost...he even told me that he enjoyed the sex a great deal because it was just such a thrill.

God, I just can't stand it. Maybe you'll have better luck and not have EVERYTHING be tied to those women...ugh.

niaveone posted 11/1/2013 21:34 PM

I asked because he was MY husband and I REFUSED to have that woman know anything or have any secrets with the ONE PERSON that was supposed be my sacred place.

I was NOT letting him or her have any secrets from me. I know every scar, tattoo, hole, blemish on that woman's body. I know when they did it, where they did it, and what positions they did them in.

I HATED hearing it. But I wanted him to HATE to tell me too. I wanted him to see the hurt, devastation, and sick looks I had on my face when he was telling me these things.

Said it was the most vulnerable and rock bottom moment of his life. Good.

Marathonwaseasy posted 11/1/2013 23:14 PM

I asked and continue to ask
I need the details
When I feel strong I can reclaim the things they didn't do. When I feel less strong I get relief from doing the things they did not. Either way he's doing them with me and not her
The worst thing is he called her "beautiful" as a name. A noun. He called me that. Haven't managed to reclaim that yet. Will do though.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 11/1/2013 23:50 PM

I asked for all the details. I think it was so totally unbelievable to me that I had to hear how when where and what happened. I asked everything. Every little detail. I couldn't stand the idea that he had any secrets from me or anything special between them. I deserve to know. How can I make a decision without all the facts? Just be ready to hear the worst possible answer.

Struggling3005 posted 11/2/2013 12:37 PM

I asked. And I asked for every single gory detail. I was asking for the wrong reasons. I felt like I was somehow to blame for his poor choices, and that hearing those details was my punishment. In the end though, I'm glad I do know. My imagination painted this amazing love affairs with these gorgeous women with whom I could never compare. Knowing the truth has actually eased those images in my mind.

heforgotme posted 11/2/2013 12:48 PM

The one thing I know, I wish I didn't. I asked bc I was having nightmares about it and thought that knowing the truth would make them go away. Which it did, but now I have "daymares", which I think are probably worse.

Thessalian posted 11/3/2013 23:27 PM

About the main OW: I have asked a couple of things but have stayed way, way far away from most specific details. I'm well aware I can't handle the answers. They had sex many times, and I simply assume there's nothing they didn't do. I'd rather assume they did everything and live with the smallest possibility that they didn't, than have something confirmed and have it hurt me forever and obsess about it. Hearing the few things that have been confirmed have been like taking a knife in the chest. I'll never be able to un-hear or un-see those things in my head. I'd rather have it just be "sex".

I did ask about condom usage, for safety and health reasons.

I did ask how many times he got off.

I did ask, much much later, if she went down on him.

I did ask how many times they slept together, and where.

That's about it.

I have considered asking WH to tell me every single gory detail, but only to punish him because he gets really physically uncomfortable having to talk about that stuff. I don't consider these things "secrets" he has with the OW - there's nothing novel or secret about what happens during sex.

About the ONS and prostitutes: Strangely, I've asked way more details about these because, frankly, I'm curious, and hearing about this doesn't bug me very much. I am very emotionally jealous but not particularly physically jealous, so a random ONS kills me in the sense that he lied to me about it, but the sex doesn't have anywhere near the impact on me that thoughts of him having sex with OW do. He never went back to the same ONS / prostitute for more, so I don't really feel like I have anything to be jealous of.

The thought of him having sex with the main OW, on the other hand, makes me want to slit my wrists, and these days makes me burst into hysterical sobs pretty much whenever and wherever, because there was emotional involvement, and I don't want to ask any questions I can't handle the answers to. When I ask for details, I know I'm asking because I want to hear "no, I didn't do that with her". But when he says "yes", I die inside. I just don't want to be able to picture it any more specifically than I already can.

On the other hand, I do want him to have to face down those demons, so he'll be doing that with his IC.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 2:49 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

DefeatedDad posted 11/4/2013 00:28 AM

I asked. And I pushed when I didn't believe all the answers. And now that I know, I wish I didn't. But I know it would have killed me to wonder all the time. He did EVERYTHING that was special between us with a prostitute. I can't even kiss him because they kissed. He was hugging me and then pulled me on top of him as he lay back on our bed...I completely flipped out and had a panic attack, because that's how the sex was...even him running his hand along my body one day...he rubbed his hands all over her body too. Nothing is safe. Everything is tied to that woman. He can't call me "Baby" anymore...he can't even rest his hand on my knee when we are sitting together...because he did it to her as he was asking her how much she cost...he even told me that he enjoyed the sex a great deal because it was just such a thrill.
God, I just can't stand it. Maybe you'll have better luck and not have EVERYTHING be tied to those women...ugh.

My WW and I have been in R since last August, but three weeks ago, during a conversation she let slip that she had done things sexually for her OM that for 20 years of marriage she had refused or shied away from doing with me... her husband, the guy she was supposed to have trusted the most.

It gutted me, and pretty much destroyed over a year of R progress.

Now I cannot look at her without revulsion and disgust... and she is a beautiful, sexy woman by any standard. Now she is fighting desperately to get me to want her sexually again and I just don't. I just don't.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 12:29 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

standinghere posted 11/4/2013 02:24 AM

I wax patient and told her that I wanted to know everything when she was ready, who, when, what, where.

She initially refused to tell me who, would not speak his name. This could have led to divorce, but I figured it out and not only confronted her with he name, but also his court records.

She lied about when, what and where.

Then later broke down and told.

I wanted to know what took place before and after, but apparently her alcohol use messed up much of that memory.

Honestly, I think most of us will do whatever we want in an affair, is we get involved. Sexually, we are so far over the boundary line with the first touch, that anything more is just not as big as the first violation of trust with our spouse, with my wife, it was almost as if she had to make it extreme in an attempt to make it seem more special than what it was.

It was just cheating in the end, nothing more.

chick posted 11/4/2013 02:47 AM

I asked - my husband had a one night stand so there wasn't an enormous amount of information as there would be if it was multiple times but it was in a hotel room and his friend was there with an other girl - so as you can imagine I had all sorts of disgusting things flying around my head involving things that would be way more exciting than sex with me.

But as it turned out it was much more tame than I was imagining - and I do believe the details he has given me, there were still some very hard things to hear so that's how I know he didn't sugar coat and lie - but I was imagining the most fun and wild night of sex possible and so for me it was good to hear that I won't be totally boring in comparison.

We have only had sex twice since D Day as it was only a month ago - and it has definitely entered my head as I know which position they were in so I haven't wanted to do the same, but overall I am very glad I know the details.

However I can imagine it would be very different for some people depending on what details are revealed so it is a personal choice whether you find out. I hope that if you do then it makes you feel a bit better.

DefeatedDad posted 11/4/2013 09:51 AM

You just cannot look at your WS the same again.

That is where my WW and I are at. We are literally rediscovering each other. The woman I am with now is not the woman I knew 20 years before her affair. I literally feel like I've been married to a lie... a stranger who I barely knew.

Shakes every beliefe I have ever had to the core. It literally is like waking up to a whole new world.

But is it a world I want to inhabit? I'm not sure yet.

Knowing posted 11/4/2013 11:40 AM

As BSs we can be so easily blinded by all our emotions. The A is not about you, your sex life or the sex they had with other people.

The real issues in your case are why does he value sex more than his M vows? Why anonymous sex with prostitutes? Does he have a sex addiction? Other addictions or alcoholism? Fear of intimacy? Where did he learn that paying someone for sex is acceptable? What is it in his thinking that allowed him to risk everything (family, health, self-respect) for cheap thrills? What lies did he tell himself to justify his actions?

bionicgal posted 11/4/2013 16:56 PM

I know pretty much all the where, the general when, and I just assume a lot of the what. I have a hard enough time with that. Do I need to know more? I struggle with it a little - but I have asked lots of questions about how he felt, how he felt after, etc., condom usage, etc. and our MC had advised into not getting into more specifics unless I feel I can't live without them. So far, I have. I am enjoying my sex life now, and am afraid of the mind movies if I have confirmation of specifics. I just assume they did damn near everything. (Although he has told me a few things they did not do.)

I am so surprised that most people seem to want all of them. IDK, maybe I am in denial? But are the actual acts the issue, here? If it is true that affairs really aren't about the sex, then do I really need to know?

lhhell posted 11/5/2013 13:59 PM

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this matter. You've given me a lot to consider.

The mind-movies: ug. So awful.

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