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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: To ask or not to ask - the sex question
lhhell
♀ 40332
Member # 40332
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's coming up A season for me and I'm feeling really off and sensitive and sad and angry etc etc etc.

One thing that I've struggled with since Dday is asking the "sex question", ie. what did you do with her? what was so great about it?

Some context, my WH used escorts, expensive ones, ones where I can find out plenty online about their "talents". I caught my WH by finding an email to the last one telling her how much fun he had.

I haven't directly asked the sex question of my WH. I've asked around it, I've made comments about the email I found, but I've never come out and asked what he did with her and why it was so great. BUT I think about it every day. I think about it every time we have sex.

I know there is differing opinions as to whether to ask this. Some say that knowing everything is the way to go. Others have said that knowing the details is not productive and could be harmful. I'm on the fence.

So I wanted to ask other BS whether they've asked or not. And if they did ask, how did they feel about the response? I'm not looking for advice, just some ideas about how others approached this and how it affected R and their feelings towards their WS.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Dday: Jan 4, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
MC_Jack
♂ 35016
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In your case I might ask...after all we are talking about an escort 'servicing'...not a 'lover'. There was no thinking that the escort would be the 'one'. No 'romance'...


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 901 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
whattheh
♀ 40032
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked and am glad I know the details. My questions also focused on his feelings before during and after. In our case it helped my fWH to share the info.

It was hard to hear but my imagination was way off from the reality. Talking about the details and his feelings and things she did or said helped me see the full picture. It was important to me that he had no more secrets from me esp those shared with OW.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 608 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
BeyondBreaking
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a detail oriented person and I feel incomplete without them. So I would personally ask and get as much information as possible.

If nothing else, asking if he used condoms or not, and making sure he (and I) have been tested would be an absolute must for me. I see WAY too many gross and life-altering STI's patients come in with not to be concerned about it.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked. I had to. I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head. I could not put it to bed... Forgive the pun.
It hurt so bad and there were definitely aftershocks- but mostly, it really helped. I don't know how or why, but it did.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
15 years
DD- 14 and DS- 13
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
plainpain
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked, and he told me, and I guess I'm glad I know. It hurts - the jealousy is insane - but the trade-off was worth it. I never wanted OW to be able to present me with any information that I didn't already have, so for me it was about him betraying all their secrets to me. It also did give me some insight into what my H actually really likes when he's at his most selfish. Sometimes that is information I'm glad I have. Sometimes I really want to be the one to give him what he likes, and sometimes I swear he's never ever getting that from me ever again.

Sometimes my H would be angry that I asked him and got upset over the answer - he pretty much said right up front, 'Don't ask any questions where you can't handle the answer.' (That one came after I had asked him if she was prettier than me - but of course now, 6 months post A, I'm back to being the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. Yay me.)

But I only asked him about the LTA OW. I never asked anything at all about the escort, the massage lady, or the woman from the internet. I know the very basics for those, and I don't need or want to know more.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
ShatteredLove00
♀ 40830
Member # 40830
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked. And I pushed when I didn't believe all the answers. And now that I know, I wish I didn't. But I know it would have killed me to wonder all the time. He did EVERYTHING that was special between us with a prostitute. I can't even kiss him because they kissed. He was hugging me and then pulled me on top of him as he lay back on our bed...I completely flipped out and had a panic attack, because that's how the sex was...even him running his hand along my body one day...he rubbed his hands all over her body too. Nothing is safe. Everything is tied to that woman. He can't call me "Baby" anymore...he can't even rest his hand on my knee when we are sitting together...because he did it to her as he was asking her how much she cost...he even told me that he enjoyed the sex a great deal because it was just such a thrill.

God, I just can't stand it. Maybe you'll have better luck and not have EVERYTHING be tied to those women...ugh.


Me: BS (29) Him: SAWH (30)
HS Sweethearts, WAS each other's 1st/onlys. 1 child & 8 months pregnant when he hired prostitute/confessed.
D-Day: September 1, 2013
Shocked, disgusted, and struggling.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
niaveone
♀ 40317
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked because he was MY husband and I REFUSED to have that woman know anything or have any secrets with the ONE PERSON that was supposed be my sacred place.

I was NOT letting him or her have any secrets from me. I know every scar, tattoo, hole, blemish on that woman's body. I know when they did it, where they did it, and what positions they did them in.

I HATED hearing it. But I wanted him to HATE to tell me too. I wanted him to see the hurt, devastation, and sick looks I had on my face when he was telling me these things.

Said it was the most vulnerable and rock bottom moment of his life. Good.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays
Reconciling

Posts: 310 | Registered: Aug 2013
Marathonwaseasy
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked and continue to ask
I need the details
When I feel strong I can reclaim the things they didn't do. When I feel less strong I get relief from doing the things they did not. Either way he's doing them with me and not her
The worst thing is he called her "beautiful" as a name. A noun. He called me that. Haven't managed to reclaim that yet. Will do though.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
SoAngryAndHurt
♀ 40150
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked for all the details. I think it was so totally unbelievable to me that I had to hear how when where and what happened. I asked everything. Every little detail. I couldn't stand the idea that he had any secrets from me or anything special between them. I deserve to know. How can I make a decision without all the facts? Just be ready to hear the worst possible answer.


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013
Struggling3005
♀ 41111
Member # 41111
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked. And I asked for every single gory detail. I was asking for the wrong reasons. I felt like I was somehow to blame for his poor choices, and that hearing those details was my punishment. In the end though, I'm glad I do know. My imagination painted this amazing love affairs with these gorgeous women with whom I could never compare. Knowing the truth has actually eased those images in my mind.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Oct 2013
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one thing I know, I wish I didn't. I asked bc I was having nightmares about it and thought that knowing the truth would make them go away. Which it did, but now I have "daymares", which I think are probably worse.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1091 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Thessalian
♀ 40633
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About the main OW: I have asked a couple of things but have stayed way, way far away from most specific details. I'm well aware I can't handle the answers. They had sex many times, and I simply assume there's nothing they didn't do. I'd rather assume they did everything and live with the smallest possibility that they didn't, than have something confirmed and have it hurt me forever and obsess about it. Hearing the few things that have been confirmed have been like taking a knife in the chest. I'll never be able to un-hear or un-see those things in my head. I'd rather have it just be "sex".

I did ask about condom usage, for safety and health reasons.

I did ask how many times he got off.

I did ask, much much later, if she went down on him.

I did ask how many times they slept together, and where.

That's about it.

I have considered asking WH to tell me every single gory detail, but only to punish him because he gets really physically uncomfortable having to talk about that stuff. I don't consider these things "secrets" he has with the OW - there's nothing novel or secret about what happens during sex.

About the ONS and prostitutes: Strangely, I've asked way more details about these because, frankly, I'm curious, and hearing about this doesn't bug me very much. I am very emotionally jealous but not particularly physically jealous, so a random ONS kills me in the sense that he lied to me about it, but the sex doesn't have anywhere near the impact on me that thoughts of him having sex with OW do. He never went back to the same ONS / prostitute for more, so I don't really feel like I have anything to be jealous of.

The thought of him having sex with the main OW, on the other hand, makes me want to slit my wrists, and these days makes me burst into hysterical sobs pretty much whenever and wherever, because there was emotional involvement, and I don't want to ask any questions I can't handle the answers to. When I ask for details, I know I'm asking because I want to hear "no, I didn't do that with her". But when he says "yes", I die inside. I just don't want to be able to picture it any more specifically than I already can.

On the other hand, I do want him to have to face down those demons, so he'll be doing that with his IC.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 2:49 AM, November 4th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 168 | Registered: Sep 2013
DefeatedDad
♂ 41026
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked. And I pushed when I didn't believe all the answers. And now that I know, I wish I didn't. But I know it would have killed me to wonder all the time. He did EVERYTHING that was special between us with a prostitute. I can't even kiss him because they kissed. He was hugging me and then pulled me on top of him as he lay back on our bed...I completely flipped out and had a panic attack, because that's how the sex was...even him running his hand along my body one day...he rubbed his hands all over her body too. Nothing is safe. Everything is tied to that woman. He can't call me "Baby" anymore...he can't even rest his hand on my knee when we are sitting together...because he did it to her as he was asking her how much she cost...he even told me that he enjoyed the sex a great deal because it was just such a thrill.
God, I just can't stand it. Maybe you'll have better luck and not have EVERYTHING be tied to those women...ugh.

My WW and I have been in R since last August, but three weeks ago, during a conversation she let slip that she had done things sexually for her OM that for 20 years of marriage she had refused or shied away from doing with me... her husband, the guy she was supposed to have trusted the most.

It gutted me, and pretty much destroyed over a year of R progress.

Now I cannot look at her without revulsion and disgust... and she is a beautiful, sexy woman by any standard. Now she is fighting desperately to get me to want her sexually again and I just don't. I just don't.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 12:29 AM, November 4th (Monday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
standinghere
♂ 34689
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wax patient and told her that I wanted to know everything when she was ready, who, when, what, where.

She initially refused to tell me who, would not speak his name. This could have led to divorce, but I figured it out and not only confronted her with he name, but also his court records.

She lied about when, what and where.

Then later broke down and told.

I wanted to know what took place before and after, but apparently her alcohol use messed up much of that memory.

Honestly, I think most of us will do whatever we want in an affair, is we get involved. Sexually, we are so far over the boundary line with the first touch, that anything more is just not as big as the first violation of trust with our spouse, with my wife, it was almost as if she had to make it extreme in an attempt to make it seem more special than what it was.

It was just cheating in the end, nothing more.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
chick
♀ 41073
Member # 41073
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked - my husband had a one night stand so there wasn't an enormous amount of information as there would be if it was multiple times but it was in a hotel room and his friend was there with an other girl - so as you can imagine I had all sorts of disgusting things flying around my head involving things that would be way more exciting than sex with me.

But as it turned out it was much more tame than I was imagining - and I do believe the details he has given me, there were still some very hard things to hear so that's how I know he didn't sugar coat and lie - but I was imagining the most fun and wild night of sex possible and so for me it was good to hear that I won't be totally boring in comparison.

We have only had sex twice since D Day as it was only a month ago - and it has definitely entered my head as I know which position they were in so I haven't wanted to do the same, but overall I am very glad I know the details.

However I can imagine it would be very different for some people depending on what details are revealed so it is a personal choice whether you find out. I hope that if you do then it makes you feel a bit better.


Me - 32
Him - 32
D-Day - 6th Oct 2013
He had a ONS on 23rd Sept 2013

Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2013
DefeatedDad
♂ 41026
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You just cannot look at your WS the same again.

That is where my WW and I are at. We are literally rediscovering each other. The woman I am with now is not the woman I knew 20 years before her affair. I literally feel like I've been married to a lie... a stranger who I barely knew.

Shakes every beliefe I have ever had to the core. It literally is like waking up to a whole new world.

But is it a world I want to inhabit? I'm not sure yet.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Knowing
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As BSs we can be so easily blinded by all our emotions. The A is not about you, your sex life or the sex they had with other people.

The real issues in your case are why does he value sex more than his M vows? Why anonymous sex with prostitutes? Does he have a sex addiction? Other addictions or alcoholism? Fear of intimacy? Where did he learn that paying someone for sex is acceptable? What is it in his thinking that allowed him to risk everything (family, health, self-respect) for cheap thrills? What lies did he tell himself to justify his actions?


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know pretty much all the where, the general when, and I just assume a lot of the what. I have a hard enough time with that. Do I need to know more? I struggle with it a little - but I have asked lots of questions about how he felt, how he felt after, etc., condom usage, etc. and our MC had advised into not getting into more specifics unless I feel I can't live without them. So far, I have. I am enjoying my sex life now, and am afraid of the mind movies if I have confirmation of specifics. I just assume they did damn near everything. (Although he has told me a few things they did not do.)

I am so surprised that most people seem to want all of them. IDK, maybe I am in denial? But are the actual acts the issue, here? If it is true that affairs really aren't about the sex, then do I really need to know?


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
lhhell
♀ 40332
Member # 40332
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this matter. You've given me a lot to consider.

The mind-movies: ug. So awful.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Dday: Jan 4, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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