It may just be the feelings of hopelessness, despair, rage, anger and just remembering life with WH and going on my FB and reliving the moments, recalling the memories during the time that he cheated, but reading what he has to say about the A (we're texting back and forth atm), just makes me not want to try anymore.
I spoke with a friend who is a life coach and she told me that it's not really HIM that I'm angry at or even depressed at, it's me that I'm angry at and me that I'm despairing over: I'm angry that I was acting like a faithful spouse, being true to my vows, restricting myself from doing, saying or even being myself because I had just "assumed" that he would do the same for me. I'm angry at myself for thinking he and I were on the same page, and we weren't and so I was acting in accordance to a belief that was really based on lies and deceit. When I took my vows, I was serious about them. When WH took his vows, it was all situational and at the whims of his feelings. And so I'm angry and depressed because that I was my life and I did everything for him that I thought I could/should and I could've been out living my life, raising my daughter by myself and not wasting time on him at all.
I'm not articulating this right, I don't think. This is not to say I blame him for my shitty choices, I blame myself because I made choices in restricting myself, lessening myself, disrespecting myself and degrading myself, and he didn't do the same for me (not necessarily degrading himself or disrespecting himself). It's just - when he asked me to do things - there was no discussion or argument; a lot of things, I just did because I thought I "loved" him and that if I asked him to make a sacrifice for me, he would because I thought he "loved" me just as much.
No, such action. He argued and fought me on what I needed/asked him to do, but had no qualms making known (or in his roundabout passive-agressive way) what he wanted, and if I challenged him, it would be another fight or a manipulation on his part to get what he wanted (silent treatment, more arguments, hanging outside of the home more, just stupid, nitpicky shit).
I thought he loved me so I endured it. Now, I know he didn't love me the way I thought he did and so now, I hate him, but I hate myself more because WHY DIDN'T I JUST LEAVE? Why did I see this stupid shit and just keep hanging on? Why am I hanging on now when I feel like all hope is lost?
I bounce from one emotion to another, and this all just hurts too much.