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ruby44 posted 11/1/2013 16:46 PM

So just discovered that my Wh's employer has a sexual misconduct clause. The OW works for the same company. Why am I so tempted to out them both? I know that it could seriously mess with his income but the anger inside of me won't let go of hurting them as much as they hurt me.
Someone talk me down from the ledge please!

rachelc posted 11/1/2013 17:44 PM

ruby - I had an affair with a co-worker and we both signed morality contracts. Thing is, I've never seen them enforced, although they should be, in my case as well.

People in my "firm" have been arrested for OWI, beating their wife, etc, etc. They just don't do anything.

If completely understand the need to hurt and get some sort of revenge. It's a way for the BS to get back some power.

For what it's worth, I outed my husband's first AP to her boss. 30 second after I left that meeting I hit send on an email to every shareholder in that company. Don't regret it a bit.
not sure anything was done but it felt SO GOOD. I'm noticing she never gets promoted.

just thoughts.

BeyondBreaking posted 11/1/2013 17:50 PM

I think a huge part of it is wanting to see the two of them suffer consequences. So often it feels a lot like they made a huge mess of pain and hurt for you to deal with, and they just kind of "get over it" and "move on."

I would wait to see if you R with your H before doing anything. Don't mess with his income unless you can afford it.

ILINIA posted 11/1/2013 18:00 PM

((ruby44))
Believe me those few weeks, I wanted to out him to everyone or at least wear a scarlet letter A to work, but I held off. They still work for the same company, different teams now. Part of R, was that he had to tell all his leadership. I wanted him accountable. No morality clause at his company. HR deals with this "a lot" per one of his leadership, so they were more than happy to move him immediately to another team.

I am only 4 months out, so I am not the most sane-minded at this time, but I would save that card until you are in a better mental position. You are still in shock and even though it seems like a logical consequence, you don't want to add more stress like loss of income or health insurance at this time

I don't know your story, but has the A has ended? Does the other BS know if there is one? Has a NC letter been sent?

Start with protecting yourself (and kids if any). Eat, drink water, and try and get some sleep. Get an STD test, move money into an account, research lawyers, and look into the 180.

Edited to add: If you decide not to R, then him having an income could be to your benefit for spousal support.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 6:05 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

beenthere2? posted 11/1/2013 23:58 PM

If he gets fired, will you be able to make ends meet? Do you need child support?

I didn't want WH to lose his job because at the time he was the sole breadwinner in our family. Even now, I would want child support from him.

ShatteredLove00 posted 11/2/2013 00:05 AM

BeyondBreaking - that was my reasoning when I was struggling with a similar temptation. I feel like my husband suffered NO consequences and he seriously put his health, job, family, reputation, safety, FREEDOM on the line. He could have been arrested, demoted at his job, robbed, blackmailed, gotten diseases because he let a prostitute give him oral with NO CONDOM...and yeah, none of it. And now that he's in IC, he's getting and feeling better every day while I suffer greatly everyday. I am humiliated with having to carefully ask for things at doctor's appointments, lie to my friends and family, and even today get questioned about a postpartum depression screening and have doctors look at me like I am a harm to my baby because I answered the screening honestly...I'm not depressed because I had a baby, I'm depressed because my husband cheated on me!